


Rearviewmirror

by crazyTXgradstudent



Category: Eddie Vedder - Fandom, Eddie Vedder/OFC - Fandom, Pearl Jam, Real Person Fiction
Genre: 90s, Angst, As if I need to start another fic, Cheating, Chris Cornell - Freeform, Dave Grohl - Freeform, Eddie Vedder/OFC, F/M, Family Death, Family Member Death, Family Secrets, Foo Fighters - Freeform, Grunge, I have no idea what I'm doing here, Nirvana - Freeform, Past Relationship(s), Pearl Jam - Freeform, Pregnancy Scares, Sad, Unplanned Pregnancy, seattle grunge, soundgarden - Freeform, temple of the dog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 17:42:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 54
Words: 65,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7901812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyTXgradstudent/pseuds/crazyTXgradstudent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tried to endure what I could not forgive..</p><p>Saw things...<br/>Clearer...<br/>Once you, were in my rearview mirror.</p><p>~ "Rearview Mirror" Pearl Jam </p><p>I blame this on that damn PJ tour that just ended. I've got way too many Eddie feels right now.  This is how I deal with them haha</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I realize the timelines might not add up, so for purposes of this fic, I am completely disregarding Soundgarden as a band. TOTD is where it'll start, just FYI

**Seattle, around 1990 or so...**

 

Seattle was way different than Houston. Way, way different. The humidity was not nearly as oppressive, if at all. It was still raining, but that I was used to; _it rained a lot in Houston._   It was just a different kind of atmosphere up here. For one, it was much colder, and I cursed myself for not bringing a heavier coat. I shook my head, knowing it was no use now. I'd  packed way too quickly, and jetted out of my house way too fast, to worry about packing the right clothes.  I'd  just have to get more.  With a resigned smile, I pulled my hoodie around my shoulders and made my way out of the Greyhound terminal. 3 days,  a few bus changes, and some weirdo on the Arizona leg,  but I was finally here.  Mom would be pissed, but she would get over it.  

Eventually.

 _Besides, it was partly her fault anyways..._  I shivered under my flannel hoodie as I thought about the lecture I  was sure to get from my mom. Part of me was terrified, while the other part was inwardly gloating at being so rebellious.  It's what Mom deserved for the shit move she pulled on her own daughter -- _and for so damn long._   I honestly felt like I would never be able to forgive my mother.  Ever. 

“Sammie!” A voice called, drawing my eyes to the edge of the parking lot.  I broke out in a grin as I saw my cousin waving at me, and I hurriedly made my way over to where he was leaned up against his car. 

  

‘Chris!” I squealed as my oldest -- _and most favorite_ \-- cousin scooped me up in his arms, and swung me around.  He set me down on the ground and looked me over, his smiled widening appreciatively. 

“Damn, sis! You got hot!”

I punched him in the gut, but tempered it with a smile. “And you’re still a pervert.”

“Fuck. I'm gonna have to keep you away from the guys,” Chris teased as he helped me put my things in the trunk of his beat-up Escort. Once inside, I pulled my jacket around my shoulders and held my hands up to my mouth to warm them.  Chris noticed the action.

“Sorry, the heat went out.”

“It’s okay,” I assured him. “How’s Aunt Karen?”

“Good, good. Still working.” He pulled the car out onto the highway and headed towards home. Light rain was still falling, but I thought it was beautiful. It was the first time I'd been out of Texas, and I felt freer than I'd ever been before.  Even if it came at a cost...

“Any plans? Anything you wanna do while you’re here?” Chris asked as he turned the radio on. _The Who_ filled the air, and I found herself humming along.

“Nothing.  Just hanging out, I guess."  I turned to him, getting a good look at my older cousin for the first time in a few years. His hair had grown long, down past his shoulders as it fell in soft, dark waves. He had a mustache, along with a half-hearted goatee.  He had definitely gotten taller, but he was always tall, and I'd always been on the short side.  At nearly ten years older than me, he had always been more of a big brother rather than a cousin,  and we'd always been incredibly close.

“I have to say, I’m a little jealous that your hair looks better than mine,” I teased.  Chris burst out laughing as he subconsciously ran a hand through his wild mane.

“It’s part of being in a band, don’t you know?” His dark eyes, full of humor, cut to me. 

“ _You’re in a band?_   Oh my god! Why didn’t you tell me?” I whined.  Chris laughed harder.

“It’s nothing serious, not yet anyways.” He exited the highway and made his way down another road. “Just a bunch of us, playing and stuff. Hopefully it’ll take off soon, but I don’t know.”

We made small talk for the remainder of the ride, each talking about the turns their lives had taken since the last time we'd seen each other. I avoided the big stuff; that could wait till later.  Finally, after about 30 minutes, Christ turned down another road, this one heading more into the outskirts of the city.

“Where are we going now?” I looked out the window as the trees flew by.

“My house.” He turned down Aurora Avenue, and finally pulled into a driveway. He put the car in park and turned to me. “Look, it’s a crappy house. Just being real. We play a lot, so we had to get out of the apartment, and this as all we can afford.”

“We?” I asked as I unbuckled. I zipped my jacket back up and grabbed my small purse.

“Yeah, I got some guys that come over frequently. Sometimes they crash, but I told them you were coming. They’ll behave, I promise.” Chris placed a hand over his heart for emphasis.

“I’m not a baby anymore, CeCe. You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“Okay, please don’t call me CeCe in front of the guys, okay?” Chris groaned as I laughed at him.  He hated that nickname I'd always had for him!  I hopped out of the car, neither agreeing or disagreeing to the use of said nickname. 

“Sammie!” Chris yelled after me as I bounded up the steps to his house, leaving him alone to get my luggage.  Chris stared after me with a grimace. 

Some things never changed — _I_   _was still a brat…_


	2. Chapter 2

Chris wasn’t lying - this house was trashed beyond what mere words could adequately describe.  It was comical, actually, all things considered.  As I walked through the house, I took note of the holes in the walls, the empty beer cans, and ashtrays laying about. I made my way down the hall, snooping through the small house as I went.

There wasn’t much to it.

From what I could see, and gather from the conversation with Chris, there was 2 bedrooms, one bathroom, a small kitchen, and what I assumed was at one time a living room. It had now been converted into a studio of some sort.  Guitars lay carefully placed on their stands, the drums, and pedals, and stands all clean and in place - _a_   _stark contrast to the rest of the house._  It was clear where the priorities lay in this household.   I ran my finger over the snare, thumping it lightly before tapping on the cymbals to elicit the noise.  Not able to resist, I picked up a drumstick and lightly tapped the snare, making the loud thump.  Feeling mischieveous, I tapped the cymbal again, this time the crash being much louder in the too-quiet house. 

“Hey! What the fuck, man?” A sleepy voice called from behind an old couch shoved against the far wall. I watched with confusion as a man crawled out from behind the couch.  He was young, and tall like Chris, but his hair was straight, and jet black. He crawled on his knees around over to the drums and pulled himself up into a sitting position. He stared up at me as he pushed the mass of dark hair back out of his eyes. “Who are you?”

“I’m Sammie. Chris’s cousin.” I lifted an eyebrow as I stared down at him.   He was cute, in a dirty, _too-many-teeth-in-his-head_ sorta way. 

_“Cousin?”_ The man squinted as if he’d never heard that word before.  I bit my lip to keep from laughing. 

“Yeah, fucker.  My cousin that I told you about?” Chris came into the living room, a scowl on his face. “Put some clothes on, jackass.” Chris reached down and snatched some article of clothing from the ground and threw it at the man.

“I’m Dave,” the man smiled as he pulled his shirt on.  He stood up, pulling his unzipped jeans up around his waist and closing them. He held his hand out, but I politely declined. _Who knows where the hell that hand had been??_ Dave dropped his hand, smile still in place as his dark eyes raked over me.

“Sammie will be staying with us for as long as she wants,” Chris pulled me into his side, almost protectively, “so you need to act like you’ve got some damn sense. And keep your fucking clothes on.”

Dave laughed. “What about the rest of the guys?”

“I’ll worry about them when they get here,” Chris grumbled as he let me go.

“Chris, chill, okay?” I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not a baby.” I shrugged off the unease I felt at hearing that more _"guys"_ would be coming over.  Were they all going to be half-naked and stumbling about like Dave?!   _I trusted Chris completely, but still..._

“Well, you’re my little cousin, so these fuckers are gonna behave.” Chris pointedly glared at Dave again.

“Where’s she staying?” Dave asked. He had made his way back over to the couch and was pulling his shoes on.  When he was finished, he sat down, his back against the wall, and stared up at us. “Ed’s coming over later, probably Jeff and Stone, too.  Gonna be loud as fuck.”  He lit a cigarette and pulled it to his lips. 

 

Chris narrowed his eyes at his friend, but continued on.   “She’s getting my room.  And watch your fucking language, okay?”

“I can’t take your room, CeCe!” I protested, but immediately slapped my hand over my mouth once I realized what I’d said. Chris groaned pathetically while Dave burst out laughing again.

_“CeCe?”_ Dave laughed again.  When he looked at me, I smiled back.  I couldn’t help it; his grin was infectious.  Seeing that he’d made me laugh, he winked at me, and I felt my cheeks bloom with color at the moment that had passed between us, unbeknownst to Chris.

“Don’t call me that. I’ll fuckin’ kill you, Grohl, I swear to god.” Chris warned as he wagged a finger at Dave. “Come on, Sammie. Let’s get you settled upstairs before the other idiots get here.” Chris jerked his head towards the stairs and headed that direction.

With a small wave goodbye at Dave, I followed my cousin up the stairs and to the room I’d be staying in for the foreseeable future.


	3. Chapter 3

I stepped out of the shower, wrapping the towel around my body to ward off the chill. It seemed like the heat didn’t work in the house either! I grimaced when I stepped on a a wet roll of toilet paper, and I swore that tomorrow, come hell or high water, this house was going to get cleaned up. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I was thankful that the bathroom was up here at least. The noise coming from downstairs was atrocious, and I could only assume that the other guys had shown up while I was showering. I quickly dressed and made my way back into Chris’s bedroom — _well, my bedroom for now_ — and sat down on the bed to brush my hair out.

That was when I heard it.

The house had seemed to quiet, and all I heard was this voice, unlike any I’d ever heard before. It was deep, and rich, and soulful, and I felt the goosebumps rise on my skin at the sound of it drifting upstairs. 

**_“You don’t, have to stray, the oceans away…”_ **

**__ **

Without realizing it, I found myself creeping down the stairs, ever so quietly, just to be able to hear better. I made it just far enough to catch a glimpse of the singer. He was young, like Chris and Dave, and seated on a stool before the microphone.  He had on a backwards ball cap that I was sure contained a mass of hair. His brown jacket was buttoned all the way up, and he looked to be wearing corduroy pants.  He had his eyes closed as he sang, and I felt myself melting as I listened to the haunting words of this song.  I could listen to this man sing for days, I knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt.  

 

 

 **_"Waves roll in my thoughts,_ _hold tight the ring,_ **  
**_The sea will rise._ **  
**_Please stand by the shore..._ **  
**_Oh, oh, oh, I will be..._ **  
**_I will be there once more”_ **

Abruptly the music died off, and curse words ensued.

 _“You fucker!”_ Unknown, deep voice...

 _“Nah, fuck you man. The key was off, I dunno.”_ That was Chris, I could tell.

 _“Here, take a hit of this.”_ That was Dave, I could tell that now as well.

 _“Nah, not right now.”_ That voice, I had no idea who it belonged to, but I needed to find out.  Swallowing the butterflies in my stomach, I stood and made my way down the stairs. Dave was the first to see me.

“Sammie!” Dave leapt up from behind the drums and made his way to me. Chris looked up as well, but the other guy, the singer, ducked his head back down and fiddled with the microphone.  I swallowed again, but turned my attention to Dave.

“You guys are loud.” I protested with a smile.  Dave grinned back.

“I told you we would be!” He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me over to the guys. I now noticed there were two other dudes, one with some kind of ridiculous hat on, and one that was as dorky a man as I’d ever seen.  Little did I know, Stone would become one of my very best friends…

“This is Stone,” Dave pointed at the dorky guy on the couch; dorky guy barely acknowledged me.  “This is Jeff” —guy with the goofy hat grinned at me.  “And this is Eddie,” Dave nodded in the singer’s direction. The singer lifted his head, blue eyes peeking up at me from under thick lashes.  He nodded his head at me, and then ducked down again. I noticed that he was writing in a black Mead notebook, his fingers furiously filling up the page as the words poured out.  I wondered what he was writing...

“Hey, Sammie,” Chris called as he came around and stood before me. “Did we wake you?”

I shook my head and smiled. “No, it was beautiful. I wanted to hear more.”

Singer dude — _Eddie_ — shifted on his stool, but said nothing.  I was such a loser, and I immediately regretted my words. _Beautiful? Really??_

"Wanna hang out with us for the evening?"  Chris smiled down at me.  I shifted uncomfortably on my feet. I had never felt more out of place than I did right now.  I tugged my sweatshirt around my neck, trying to cover up even more than I already was. 

"I don't want to interfere," I began, but Dave cut me off.  

"No way! We need some feedback, especially from a chick."  He blinked back at me, oblivious to how sexist he sounded right now.  I narrowed my eyes at him. Dave could be such a douche, as I was quickly finding out. 

"Ed, Stone?  Jeff? You guys mind?"  Chris turned to the other guys.  They all shook their heads, but continued doing whatever it was they were doing. Chris turned back to me.  "You can take the couch if you want to listen.  Otherwise, we'll try to keep it down." 

"Please, Chris," -- _I was sure to use his name this time_ \-- "don't change anything for me.  I'm fine with whatever you guys wanna do, okay?" Unable to help myself, I glanced over at Eddie again, and was a little shocked to see him staring at me.  Catching me staring back at him, he smiled at me...and then quickly looked away.  My stupid heart thumped in my stupid chest at the appearance of his stupid dimples.  He was so damn cute, and I swear to god, my stupid self fell in love, right then and there. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize I am taking some liberties with the songs and when they were written and released. I had to, forgive me :-) Heavy on the Eddie gifs, cause they are so damn adorable!! 
> 
> Pearl Jam Unplugged, 1992
> 
> Gif credit belongs to the owners - fuckyeahpearljamgifs (I think for all, but IDK)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eddie's POV will occasionally appear, just because it's so damn cute haha

**Eddie's notebook - October 21st, 1990...**

The first time I saw her, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my lungs. I found it hard to breathe, and all I wanted to do was stare at her, but each time I did, she stared back at me with those big brown eyes. I felt like a creep when she caught me staring at her, but I couldn’t hide my happiness - pride maybe?? – when she said the singing was beautiful. That made me want to sing more, and I was so happy when she stayed down stairs with us. I remember watching her, as secretly as I could, while we played. I made sure we sang the quieter songs, and even when I sang **_“Alive”_** I toned it down. She was falling asleep on the couch, and I didn’t want to bother her. I wanted to run to her, to wrap her up in that blanket, but I knew I’d get my ass kicked if I did that.  Chris is way protective of her.

She’s so cute when she sleeps.

I know she’s only 17, and that’s way too young for me. I’m 26, so yeah, way too young. Plus she’s too pretty for me. I have nothing to offer someone like her. Chris said she’s going to college next year, and I wouldn’t want to mess that up for her. Chris would kill me if he knew the thoughts running through my head right now. Fuck. Chris would kill me if he were to ever get ahold of this notebook. It’s kinda funny actually, but sad, all at the same time. This house is always such a damn mess, and we’re disgusting, and she’s like this sun that came in and brightened everything up.  I don't even know her, but she inspired me. It's crazy. 

~~_‘I know you’ll be bright”_ ~~

~~_You’ll be bright for somebody’s life?_ ~~

_A sun in somebody’s sky?_

_I know you’ll be a sun in somebody’s sky, but why not mine?_

_Why can’t it be mine?_

 

** YOUR FUCKING STUPID!!! **

 

Besides, I have Beth to think about.

  


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up the next morning in Chris’s bed. The house was quiet, and as I looked around, it all came back to me. The band, the music… _Eddie._

He was so cute. I wanted to watch him all night, but jetlag caught up with me I guess. I was so tired, and his voice literally put me to sleep. It was a great night, all things considered.  I sat up, stretching happily as the sun peeked in through the windows.  I wondered where everyone was…

I quickly got dressed, brushed my hair and teeth, and threw on some makeup – **_just in case!_ ** -, before making my way downstairs. The house was deserted, save for Chris on the couch. I was little disappointed.   _A lot disappointed actually._ I could feel myself frowning as I piddled around in the kitchen, looking for something to eat. I was trying to be quiet, but I obviously wasn’t, as Chris hollered at me from the living room.

“Sammie? Ya alright?” His voice was heavy with sleep, and I smiled at his concern for me. I carried my bowl of dry cereal --  _there’s no milk of course --_  into the living room, and plopped down next to Chris on the couch. He lifted his legs, and I slid underneath them.

“We have to go grocery shopping. You have nothing here to eat.” I crunched on a piece of _Cap’N’Crunch_ , wincing as it didn’t crunch back. It was stale. Gross. “And, I’m gonna clean this place up today. It’s pretty gross. Aunt Karen would beat your ass.”

Chris lifted his head and squinted at me. “Mom would beat your ass if she heard you talking like that.” He dropped his head back down and flung an arm over his eyes. “Did you talk to _your_ mom yet?”

I set the bowl of cereal down, no longer hungry. “Nope.”

“Don’t you think you should eventually? At least let her know you’re here, and you’re fine?”

“Why should I tell her anything, when she’s lied to me about so much?” I could feel the anger rising up inside me, with nowhere to go but up. I’d pushed it down so long. So very long.

“You only told me bits and pieces, what’s up?” Chris lifted his head again to stare at me.  He could hear in my voice how angry I was.

“I don’t feel like talking about it right now. I’ll call her later, or you can let your mom know to let her know.” I stood up, shoving Chris’s legs off my lap unceremoniously. He grunted with disapproval as I stood over him, hands on hips. “When are we going shopping?”

“If we’re gonna go, we need to go soon,” Chris grumbled as he rolled off the couch.  He held his head in his hands as he tried to recover from last night. “The guys will be back tonight to practice.”

“Will Eddie be here?” The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them, and I felt myself turning an embarrassing shade of crimson as Chris looked up at me.

“Probably. Why?” He cocked an eyebrow at me. I squirmed under his gaze.

“No reason.” I tried to shrug it off as if I didn’t care, but Chris saw right through me. He stood up, towering over me.

“He’s no good for you, Sammie.”

My anger rising again, I stared up at him defiantly. “Funny, you sound just like my mother.” 

Chris immediately looked remorseful, and I felt guilty for being a jerk to him.  I reached out and grabbed his elbow.  

"I'm sorry, okay? It's just a tough subject for me right now." I squeezed his him affectionately. 

"I know.  I'm just worried about you, you know that."  

"I know you are, and I appreciate it, but I'm almost 18.  I can take care of myself, okay?"  I stepped away from him, and pulled my denim jacket on.  Chris shoved his feet in his shoes, and quickly pulled his shirt and jacket on. He grabbed the keys to his car, and shoved his wallet in his pocket. He followed me out the door and to the car, but once we were inside the car and buckled, he didn't immediately drive off.  

"What's wrong?" I looked over at him, curiously. 

"You have a lot going for you, Sam.  Don't fuck it up with some half-assed musician in a half-ass band, okay?"  Chris stared out over the hood of his car, his jaw tensed. I knew he was talking about Eddie, but I also knew that I was almost an adult, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted to do.  

"We're wasting time, CeCe.  Let's go shopping, okay?"  I ignored him, forcing a smile... _and a change of subject._  Sighing, Chris jammed the car in reverse. 

"I hate that damn name, you know that," he grumbled as we rolled out into the street.  

_I looked over at him and couldn't stop laughing..._

  

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And....here we go haha

I was so anxious that night. I must have changed at least 4 times, each time finding something wrong my outfit. Pretty soon I’d run out of all the clothes I had packed. Feeling disgusted -- and not pretty at all -- I settled on my favorite pair of jeans, a flannel that Chris had left in his room, and my trusted Docs. They were the only footwear I'd brought, so it wasn't as if I had much choice as far as shoes went... If nothing else, I was gonna look the part, whatever the part was!

I was still trying to straighten my hair, to make it as smooth as possible, when I heard the commotion downstairs. It was after 9pm, so I knew it would be another late night. I didn’t care, 'cause this time I was rested and ready to go.  I sprayed on some perfume - ** _Exclamation_** , to be exact — and headed downstairs. I tried to play it cool, to not run like I wanted to, but I was breathing heavy with anticipation once I made my way into the kitchen.

Like a balloon that was having the air let out, I was immediately deflated when I saw only Chris, Dave, and Stone sitting at the table.  Jeff was propped up on the countertop, a beer in hand already.  Eddie was nowhere to be found.

“Hey, Sammie!” Dave hopped up and hugged me. He never missed an opportunity to hug me. I felt myself smiling, even though I was still very much disappointed.

“What’s up, Dave?” I smiled up at him, before turning my gaze to the others. “Stone, Jeff, how are you guys?”

“Good, good. Ready for some music?” Stone asked with a smirk.  Stone hardly ever spoke, so I gave him a smile of encouragement. 

“Of course!” I made my way over to the table and took up the empty seat. “Who’s gonna sing, though?” I tried to be dismissive, like I didn’t care that Eddie wasn't there.

“Hey now!” Chris whined, looking wounded. “I’m a better singer than Vedder any day!”

‘Where is he, by the way?"   _Damn I couldn’t help myself, could I?_   I cringed as I waited for some smart-ass remark.

“Working, I think. Some gas station downtown.” Jeff hopped off the countertop and crunched his beer can in his hand. I looked over at Chris, and saw that he was watching me; my cheeks bloomed with embarrassment at being so openly nosy.

“I think we need to get started,” Chris stated as he stood up and shoved his chair under the table.  Properly chastised, I avoided his gaze as long as I could, and quietly followed them into the living room.

* * *

  
Three days later, it was after midnight when Eddie finally showed up. I was just dozing off in Chris’s room, long having given up on him, when I heard something thump outside my door. I stumbled from the bed, opened the door, and came face to face with Eddie. He looked at me, then looked down at the ground, then looked up again. He reached down and picked up whatever had fallen, then stood, staring up at the ceiling.  His hair hung loose about his shoulders in dark waves, but it looked shorter, or maybe it was just behind his head. I dunno.  He had on a short-sleeved flannel, and that composition book was tucked at his side as usual.   Again, I wondered what was inside it...

  

“I’m sorry.” It came out as a mumble, barely passable for words.   He still wasn't looking at me. 

“It’s okay!” I squeaked out. “I wasn’t sleeping!"  

Eddie chuckled, this time finally looking at me as he started speaking. “I brought you these chocolate caramel things. Don’t know if they have them in Texas, but they’re popular here, so yeah. Place called _Fran’s_ , by my job.” He shoved a small, crumpled bag in to my hands.  I took it and clutched it to my chest as if someone had just given me a million dollars. With a final, furtive glance my direction, Eddie turned to leave.

“Eddie?”

He stopped at the top of the stairs and turned around. His fingers tucked hair back behind his ears. “Yeah?”

“Wanna share them with me?” I don’t know where this courage came from.  It was so unlike me to talk to a guy — **_no, a man!_** — like this!  Eddie looked down the stairs, then back in my direction.

“I think Chris wouldn’t like that…”

“So? He’s not my boss.”  My eyes narrowed at my cousin's name. 

Eddie laughed, and I turned beet red, realizing how immature I sounded.  He probably thought I was so childish, so stupid.

“He’s kinda my boss, though.” Eddie shuffled on his feet, and I could tell I’d made him uncomfortable with my boldness. I shrank back against the doorframe, feeling completely foolish, and stupid, and everything else.  Completely dejected.  

“I get it. I do.” I mumbled down at the floor. “Thanks for the chocolates.”

“Hey, I don’t mean it like that,” Eddie stepped forward, one hand raised up to stop me from retreating back into my bedroom.  I looked up at him, hopeful, not even bothering to hide it. He smiled at me, and I melted a little more as I broke out into a smile of my own. 

“He’s knocked out, so I don’t think he’ll know.  But let’s sit in the hallway, just to be safe.”  Eddie backed up against the wall across from my door and slid down it.  With my ever-increasing smile, I did the same.

For the next few hours, we passed that bag of chocolates back and forth, each taking a bite of one before passing it back across to the other for their opinion. We talked about stupid things like my high school and how I'd rushed to graduate early, and he talked about his stupid job pumping gas. We talked about Texas, and Eddie talked about Washington and California.  We laughed about Jeff’s stupid hats, and how Dave was weird.  We talked about the new guy, Mike, who I'd yet to meet.  I complemented Eddie on his voice, and he blushed. He told me how much he liked my Docs, and how he wished he could afford to buy some new ones. _His were busted,_ he said. I told him they were just getting broken in. Eddie talked about his dreams of singing, of how he was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to sing the way he wanted, that it would be too much one day. I assured him that he was great, and that I had never heard a voice like his, and that I wished I could sing like that.

“I sound like a dead animal when I sing,” I laughed as I drank from the lukewarm beer that Eddie had snuck down to get from the kitchen. 

“I refuse to fuckin' believe that you have a bad voice,” Eddie reached across and took the bottle from me, pressing it to his lips as he smiled.

“Why?” I reached for the bottle and took it from him.

“Cause you’re too pretty to sound like a dead animal.”

I choked on the beer, sputtering and spitting in the most unladylike manner.  I barely registered Eddie thumping me on the back as I cleared my throat. When I could finally breathe, I was shocked to see Eddie still sitting beside me on _my side_ of the hallway. I turned my head, and realized just how close I was to him. It was almost as if I could feel the charge in the air, something that I’d never experienced  - but I instinctively knew what it was.

_“Eddie?”_ I whispered in the dim light.  I shivered when I felt his hand come up to cup my cheek, and turn me more fully to him. I had already stopped breathing, and I nearly died when I felt him tentatively press his lips against mine. He tasted like chocolate and cheap beer, and I was in heaven, my body coming alive in ways I never knew possible. He was so gentle with me…but I was stupid and greedy, and in my naivety, did what I thought I should do, and wrapped my hands around his neck to hold him to me. Eddie kissed me again, but then pulled my hands from around his neck with a sigh. He enveloped my hands with his, and placed them against his chest;   I could feel his heart thumping against my hands.  He was smiling at me, but I could tell he was pulling away. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this.  It's not right.” _Yep, pulling away._ He dropped my hands and scooted away from me, retreating back across the hall to his side. It felt like 100 miles away.

“Why?” _Why did my voice sound so breathless?? It was one little kiss!_

“Chris will kill me.” Eddie wearily ran a hand over his face.

“Who the fuck cares about my cousin?” I was livid, so damn aggravated with everyone worrying about Chris! I was also frustrated as hell, and I didn’t exactly know what I wanted, but I know I wanted Eddie to give it to me.

“He’s my friend, and bandmate, Sammie. Besides, you’re 17, and I’m fuckin' 26 fuckin' years old.”  His tone was derisive, full of self-loathing that even I could hear. 

Like a child who’d been rebuked, I felt my eyes well with tears of frustration.  I drew myself up and stood, knowing I needed to get away from Eddie before I did something even more stupid than what I’d already done. I childishly shoved the almost-empty bag of chocolates at Eddie, and headed for my room.  Just as I was about to enter, Eddie grabbed my arm and spun me back around to face him. Again, his mouth was on mine, this time fully tasting me as he pressed me against the wall. Our breaths blended as his tongue plundered my mouth, and all I could think was that I needed to hold on to something lest I fall. I tangled my fingers in his hair as I held him to me, and when he pressed his body against mine, I felt what I knew to be arousal.

_He wanted me._

This beautiful man wanted me. I groaned into his mouth as he nipped at my lips, licking, and sucking, and biting.  He was driving me mad. I felt like my knees were going to buckle, and I let my hands fall down to clutch at his shirt front.  Unfortunately for me, that seemed to bring Eddie back to the present, and he released my mouth with a groan of his own. He rested his forehead against mine, our breaths still blending as we struggled for air. I still gripped his shirt for dear life, his hands still rested against my neck.  

“I tried…I tried to stay away from you,” Eddie’s voice was raspy, deeper than ever as it hummed against my cheek.

“I don’t want you to.” I boldly pressed a kiss against his cheek, needing him to believe me.

“It’s not right, Sammie,” Eddie repeated again. Only this time, he pushed himself away from me, leaving me clutching the wall. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

Without another word, Eddie walked away and headed downstairs, leaving me alone in the dark with all these emotions and feelings.  I was trembling as I made my way back into Chris’s bedroom, and dropped down on the bed. I wrapped myself up in the blanket, and ran shaky fingers over my swollen lips as the first tear seeped out. I didn’t even know why I was crying.

_I didn’t even know why._

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Eddie’s journal - October 25, 1990**

I did something really stupid last night.  I kissed her.  I tried to stay away, and I did for a few days, but then I needed to practice, and she was there.  I am so stupid.  I hate cheaters. I said I’d never be one, but look at me.  I think what I did was cheating. I jumped in way too fast with her.  I really feel like a creep now.  

_if you hate something, don’t do it too_

_young virgin from heaven, ~~stopping by...~~ visiting..._

_In too deep, way too deep_

Beth would be pissed.  We’re thinking about getting married.  We’ve talked about it, but I wonder if it’s just a habit now since we’ve been together for so long?  I don’t even know if I want to get married right now.  I think the bands are about to take off, and I’m worried about being married and all that shit.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I should tell Beth what happened with Sammie, but nothing really happened.  It was just a kiss.  
   
Except it wasn’t. It wasn’t like anything I’ve ever felt before, and it scared the shit out of me.  I’m still scared.  I could go to jail for messing with a 17 year old, but she’s all I can think about.  I saw Beth last night, and all I could think about was Sammie.  I am such a loser.  I don’t deserve anything good. I don’t deserve Beth, and for sure not Sammie.  

I have to stay away from her. No matter what.  Chris is going on tour soon, and I think Temple is gonna kick off, so I can't screw anything up.  I am so stupid.  

**I'm nothing. Man. I'm fucking nothing.**

~~**nothingman** ~~ **a nothing**

**FUCK**

 

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I've finally settled on Jessica Alba as a loose face-claim for Sammie...I dunno though...

“What do you mean, you’re going on a tour? For how long?” I whined as Chris shoved things into his duffle bag. I was sprawled on the bed, being as pathetic as I could. "What am I supposed to do while you’re gone?”

“It’s only two weeks, Sammie. Besides, Stone and Jeff will still be here.”  He stopped packing and looked up at me. “Eddie’ll also be around.” His stare was pointed, full of meaning.

I inwardly perked up at that knowledge, but didn’t let it show on the outside. I’d not heard from Eddie for over 2 weeks now. He’d not stopped by for any sessions. Dave said he was working a lot, but I kinda figured it had something to do with me and that kiss we shared. I know I embarrassed the shit out of myself, and Eddie probably thought I was a loser.

“Sammie?”

I looked up, my cheeks rosy from embarrassment. “What?”   ** _Why did I sound so guilty?_**

“I said you can call on them if you need anything. The weather shouldn’t be too bad, and I’ll leave plenty of money for you.” Chris zipped up his bag.

“You’re gonna miss my birthday.”  I couldn’t hide the sadness in my voice at being left alone on my 18th birthday. I picked at the pilling on the comforter, rolling some into little dejected balls between my fingers. Chris dropped down beside me.

“I’m sorry, Sammie. We’ll celebrate when I get back, I promise. This was last minute and I can’t turn it down, ya know?”

“I know, I know. Big musician.” I looked up at him, a small smile in place. “Not to sound like a cheeseball, but I’m proud of you, Chris..”

“You are a cheeseball,”  Chris teased as he pushed me back down on the bed with a hand at my forehead. He stood up and pulled his duffle over his shoulder. “Car’s gonna be here soon. Come see me out, ‘k?”

* * *

 

  
Less than an hour later, I was sitting in Chris’s bed - _my bed, dammit_ \- all alone and flipping through the 15 or so channels on television. I settled on **_“Full House”_ ,** not that I had much choice in the matter.  I was so bummed.  My birthday was in three days, and I was going to be celebrating it alone. It seemed like nothing really changed.

I was always alone, even when I was around people.

* * *

 

  
Someone was pounding on the door. Startled, I rolled off the couch, scared shitless. It was my third day being alone in the house, and I couldn’t sleep at night. So I stayed up all day and slept during the day; it was safe to say I was in a weird head-state.  And I had no idea who the hell would be knocking at the door. I spoke with Chris earlier, but he’d not said to be expecting anyone or anything. The pounding continued and I sat up, rubbing my eyes with my fingers.

_**“Sammie!!”**_ It was Dave; I knew that voice. With a sigh of relief, I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders and stumbled over to the door. Dave was smiling when I opened the door, but it fell once he took in my appearance.

“ _Je_ - _sus_. What the fuck happened to you?” He asked as he pushed his way into the house. He was carrying brown paper bags in both arms. “Sick?” He stopped in the kitchen. I followed behind him.

“No. Just whatever.” I shrugged as I leaned up against the doorframe. “What’s up?”

‘What’s up, you say?” He smiled as he pulled a party hat of the bag. It had **_“Happy Birthday”_** written in big, glittery letters. I started grinning as he brought it to me and propped it on my messy head. “It’s your fuckin’ birthday, babe! That’s what’s up! We are going to party our assess off tonight!”

“We?” I asked, curious as to who the _we_ was. I’d really given up on Eddie now, and I felt my mood sink again at the thought of not seeing him again.

“Stone, Jeff, Mike — they’re all coming over later.  Stone will probably bring a girl, and Jeff too, but I’m not sure.” Dave started pulling things out of the bags and set them on the table. He stopped, a 6 pack of Budweiser held mid-air as his eyebrows raised to the ceiling. “ _Woah._ I just noticed how clean this place is. _Damn_.”

I arched an eyebrow of my own. “I was wondering when you’d notice that.”

“We’re fuckin’ pigs, I know. Can you forgive me?” Dave set the beers down and reached in the bag, pulling out a bottle of tequila.

“Maybe…” I eyed the bottle with a smirk. Dave narrow his eyes at me and held the bottle up high out of my reach.

“You’re 18, not 21! I shouldn’t influence a minor like that.” He set the tequila on the fridge, far out of my reach.

I half-snorted, half-laughed at that statement. I’d barely been here for a month, and Dave had already given me my first taste of weed - c _ompletely unbeknownst to_ _Chris, of course!_ Dave pulled out a Bud Light, popped the top, and handed it to me.

“But if somebody’s gonna do it, it might as well be me!” He winked at me as he grabbed his own beer. “Now come help me set this grill up. I’m cooking tonight.”

 

* * *

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

Later that evening, we were sitting around the fire in the backyard, attempting to eat burnt hamburgers and _really_ burnt hot dogs. Dave should probably stick to his dayjob, cause cooking definitely wasn’t his forte. In his defense, we were all pretty hammered, and having way too much fun to worry about the grill...which is precisely why it flamed up, and toasted all the food on it.  It was nearing 1am, and it was me, Dave, Stone and some girl named Ava, and Jeff and his girlfriend Kelly, and Mike, whom I’d never met before tonight.  Ava was older, but Kelly was my age, and we kinda bonded pretty early on.  Ava was super-sweet as well; she and Stone were so cute together.

“Okay, it’s Sammie’s turn!” Dave had spun the bottle on the ground in front of us, and I cringed when it pointed at me. _Fucking fuck._ “Truth or dare?”

I took a big gulp of beer. “Truth, of course.” _No way in hell was I gonna do a dare, especially not with Dave Grohl!_

“I got one, I got one!” Jeff held his hand up to quiet everyone. “Have you ever kissed …someone in a band?”

I felt my cheeks flame, and I knew it had nothing to do with the fire in front of us. I wanted to say, _“yeah, about two or three weeks ago I kissed someone in a band”…_

“Well?” Dave grinned. “I know you haven’t kissed me, so have you, yes or no?”

“Yes.” It came out as a whisper. I was completely mortified.

“I knew it!” Jeff crowed as he stood up. “Who did you kiss, Samantha?”

“Sit down, Jeff!” Kelly tugged at her boyfriend’s shorts, seeing how uncomfortable I was.

“She kissed me, you fuckers.”

I looked up, my heart thumping loudly in my chest as Eddie stepped out onto the patio.  He had a handful of mismatched flowers, and a familiar bag in his hands that I knew was from _Fran’s._ He walked over, handed the flowers to me, then leaned down and kissed me on my cheek.  He pressed the bag of chocolates into my hands as he stood back up.

“Happy birthday, Sammie.” He took a seat on the picnic table behind me. Uncomfortable with him staring at the back of my head, I scooted over.  "See? Now she's kissed someone in a band." 

“I don’t fucking believe it,” Dave shook his head at Eddie. “You, of all people, get to kiss Sammie.”

“It was just a kiss on the cheek, so that doesn’t really count,” Jeff shook his own head in disagreement.  Stone just kinda stared at Eddie with a weird look on his face, but said nothing.  I found that for the first time that night, Stone wouldn’t meet my eyes, and I mentally put a note away to myself to ask him about that later. _Weird…_

“Okay, Sammie, your turn to spin.” Ava's voice called to me from across the fire.  

I looked up, silently thanking Ava for seeing how uncomfortable I was, and attempting to alleviate it. She winked at me, and I smiled back. I spun the bottle, and it landed on Eddie this time.

“Uh, Truth or Dare?” My voice was weak as I spoke.

“Dare.” His voice, as usual, was deep and confident, and did things to my belly.

“Oh, please let me do this!” Jeff stood up again. I nodded, relieved that the dare was taken off my hands.

 “Hit me with your best shot, fucker,” Eddie grinned as he sipped on his beer.

“I dare you to climb up on the roof, and jump in the pool.”

“First floor or second?” Eddie took another sip of his beer before standing.  He pulled his jacket off and handed it to me. His Docs followed, then his shirt, and finally his socks. He was left in nothing but his knee-length cargo shorts. I did everything in my power to not stare at his chest. _Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it…_

“Second, fucker.” Jeff threw down the gauntlet. **_And a gorilla mask._** “Climb up there, put this on, beat your chest like Tarzan, and jump.”

“You guys are fucking nuts,” Mike commented from his chair. He was always kinda quiet it seemed.  “Completely fucking crazy.”

“Eddie will climb anything, so I don’t really think that’s a dare.” Stone offered from his seat.

“Yeah, but will he jump in the pool?” It was unseasonably cool, in the upper 30s tonight.

They didn’t have to ask. Eddie was already climbing up the side of the house, using the tree next to it as leverage for one leg. He had that gorilla mask held firmly between his teeth. He was like a damn monkey, and I stared in awe as he finally pulled himself up to the ledge of the second floor. He stood at the edge and cracked his knuckles dramatically before pulling the gorilla mask on. As requested, he beat his chest and did that Tarzan yelling-thing as he got ready.  

“You fuckers get outta my way!” 

Before we could scatter, Eddie had jumped, yelling once again like Tarzan.  I nearly screamed as he landed in the pool, just barely missing the concrete edge. I was still holding my breath when he surfaced, a shit-eating grin on his face as he stared up at us from the water. The gorilla mask floated next to him.

 

“You are fucking insane, dude. Hats off to you.” Jeff held up his beer in salute.

“Told you it wasn’t really a dare,” Stone remarked. He stood, along with Ava. “With that, I’m going to bid you all good night.”

“Leaving so soon?”  Eddie crawled from the pool, his hair wet and stringy as it fell down his shoulders and chest. He headed straight for me. I handed him the pile of clothes, and still did my best to not look at him.  I was shaking when his hands brushed mine.  “Thanks.”

“Welcome.” _There I went, squeaky voice again._

“We’re gonna head out too, then.” Jeff and Kelly came to stand before me and Eddie. “You are one crazy son of a bitch, man.  I'm fuckin' in awe.”

“It was a dare, so I had to.” Eddie laughed as he dried himself with his tee-shirt, and then pulled his jacket on.  

Eddie and I walked Jeff, and the rest of them, to the front and watched as they drove away. The realization hit me:  it was just Eddie and me - _and Dave._  Eddie turned to me. 

"We should probably go back out there before he falls in the pool."  Eddie was grinning, and I found myself smiling as we headed back to the backyard. 

**_I was way happier to see him than I'd like to admit..._ **


	10. Chapter 10

A few minutes later,  I found myself sitting before the fire, listening as a very drunk Dave tried to lecture Eddie on the ways of the world.

“It’s all political bullshit, man.” Dave waved his hand around for emphasis. “If we don’t play some bullshit pop music shit, they’re gonna shit all over us.”

“Yeah, I’m not into that,” Eddie grinned as he took a sip of his beer.  He cut his eyes to me, smile still in place. His hair was still wet, and I felt my cheeks bloom with color again.  He just had me so flustered! I couldn't think when he smiled at me like that. I quickly looked away, back down at the ground in front of me. 

  

“And that’s why I love you, Vedder. You are like a fucking brother to me, y’know that?” Dave slurred out as he reached out for Eddie.  Obviously unable to gauge the distance adequately, Dave nearly fell over.  The beer fell from his hand and shattered on the concrete patio.  My head jerked up at that.  Dave barely flinched at the noise, but did fall over and land on his back on the reclining patio chair.  Eddie looked over at me, grinned again, and then looked back at Dave.

“I think we need to get you inside, brother.” Eddie stood and pulled a half-asleep Dave up. The two made their way into the house, where Eddie deposited Dave on the couch. He was snoring before Eddie had pulled his shoes off. I carried a blanket down from upstairs and tucked him in.

“I’ve not seen him like this yet.” I crossed my arms over my chest in concern. 

“It's pretty typical. He won’t remember anything tomorrow,” Eddie smiled as he turned to me. I squirmed on my feet as I felt his eyes on me. “Wanna go back outside?”

“Aren’t you cold?” I looked up, flustered to see he was still smiling at me.

“It’s your birthday, we do whatever you wanna do.”  His smile was going to be the death of me, I was sure. 

“It was my birthday”— I looked at my watch — “3 hours ago.”  That was me trying to be cool, to act like I didn't care. 

“Can you forgive me for missing it?” He stepped closer, standing mere inches from my face.  I concentrated on his jacket, on the fabric of the corduroy, all the while my heart was thumping in my chest.  I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss, and wondering why he'd not been back since.

 “Why haven’t you been back?” I swallowed hard as I forced the words from my mouth.  I sounded accusatory, and I immediately regretted what I’d said. _He owed me nothing._

“I don’t know. I’m a coward, I really don’t know.” His voice was so deep, so close, I could feel his breath as he talked.  Still staring down at the ground, I saw his hand move as he reached out and tilted up my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look at him. “I’m here now, though.”

My lips parted as I breathed out, and I saw Eddie’s blue eyes darken as he stared at my mouth.

“Want me to leave?” Eddie asked softly. I quickly  - _and too adamantly probably_ \- shook my head at him.

“N—no.” I was stuttering. I knew what I was inviting, knew what I was potentially setting myself up for by asking him to stay. For just a moment, I saw his jaw tense, almost as if he were making some huge decision. The intensity in his eyes...then it was gone, and that dimpled smile was back in place.

“Wanna just go watch a movie or something?” Eddie released my chin, and stepped back.

“That sounds good.” _Squeaky voice again._ Eddie looked around the living room, then back at me.

“Where’s the TV?”

“My room.” Still squeaky voice, and now red cheeks to boot.

Eddie chuckled and held out his hand. I took it, and followed him upstairs to where the only television and VCR was.

We settled on **_Rocky III._**   Big fucking huge ass mistake. I’d only ever seen the first one, so had no idea what I was in for. I was a blubbering mess when Micky died. Like, I seriously couldn't stop crying. It was so embarrassing.  Eddie finally got up and turned it off. The silence was overwhelming, and filled the room, only broken up by my occasional sniffling. Eddie sat back down next to me on the bed, and wrapped an arm around me as he pulled me against him.

“Are you always that emotional over movies?” Eddie was trying to be serious, but I could see the corners of his lips lifting in a smile.

‘It’s just sad, cause he was so old, and then Rocky was crying, and…god I am so embarrassed!” I laughed through my tears, and Eddie laughed with me. He pushed some hair off my forehead with his fingers.

“I think it’s cute." 

"You do?"  I looked up, red nose watery eyes.  He nodded at me. 

"I think you're very cute."  

I don't know what came over me next.  Maybe it was teenage hormones, all the liquor I'd consumed, or just the fact that I just was downright pathetically desperate, but I kissed him.   ** _Yep._ **  I didn't give him any indication that I was going to, and of course my nose smashed into his nose before my lips touched his lips. It was awkward, and sloppy, and messy... _and then he kissed me back._

_He started kissing me back._

His hands cupped my cheeks as he held me to him, his lips moving over mine ever so gently at first.  Then, just like last time, it escalated quickly, and it seemed as if he was trying to devour me. I didn't care that he was being rough; all I cared about was the feeling of him against me, of his breath against my skin, his lips against mine.  His lips were everywhere, and then his hands were everywhere.  I instinctively jumped when I felt one cup my breast.  Eddie quickly pulled back from me, fearful that he may have done something wrong. 

"I'm sorry! Oh god, I'm sorry, Sammie!"  Eddie scooted back from me, two fingers rubbing his lips nervously. "I'm just gonna go, okay?"  He crawled off the bed and stood up.  This time, I grabbed his hand.  

"Don't go." I stared up at him, hoping that he would get the message I was trying to convey through my inexperienced naivety.  I laced my fingers with his and tugged.  "Please don't go."  

After staring at me for a few moments, his jaw tensing again, Eddie sighed as he released my hand. I sat back, just knowing he was about to leave.  To my surprise, he pulled his jacked off and dropped it on the floor.  His boots followed next.   

Then he was on me again...

 


	11. Chapter 11

Eddie was kissing me, his hands roaming everywhere as he scooted me back on the bed.  I squirmed underneath him, not knowing where to put my hands or what to do.  He must have picked up on my hesitation. 

“Sammie?” Eddie was practically growling as he pulled back to stare in my eyes. "Have you ever done this before?”

I shook my head, my cheeks red with embarrassment.  Eddie’s demeanor softened, the harsh lines disappearing as he gave me a lopsided smile.

“Maybe we shouldn’t then,” he leaned back on the balls of his feet. I sat up, pulling my shirt down as I did so. I didn’t miss the way Eddie was staring at the bare skin of my stomach, and for some reason seeing him looking at me so... _hungrily, I guess?_ — made my insides flip-flop. He looked at me as if I were a piece of meat that he desperately wanted to eat.

I sat there, awkward in my awkwardness, not knowing what to do.  
  
“I need you to tell me to leave.” Eddie’s voice was hard as steel, and when I looked up at him, I could see the fire in his stormy blue eyes. He didn’t want to leave;  I knew that.

**_What he needed was me to tell him to stay._ **

I reached out, tentatively cupping his cheek with my palm. I brazenly rubbed my thumb over his bottom lip, and my insides flip-flopped again as Eddie closed his eyes and nuzzled my hand.

“I don’t want you to leave.” It came out as a whisper. “I …I want you to stay. I want you.” I chewed on my lip as I withdrew my hand from him. Eddie followed, crawling back over me and forcing me back down on the bed. I pulled him to me, sighing as his lips met mine again.

He braced himself against my side, one hand holding him up, while the other rested against my cheek. He was the best kisser I’d ever known. Hell, he was the only kisser I’d ever known, unless you count that loser boyfriend in the 9th grade. _Gag._

Eddie was soft as he moved against me, but I could feel the hardness pressed against that spot between my thighs. Instinctively, I ground my hips against his, wanting and needing to be closer. Eddie released my lips, and hissed through his teeth as he turned his head from me. His hair fell around us like a blanket, shutting out the world, and leaving only us two.

‘What did I do wrong?” I breathed out, worried. Eddie grinned against my cheek, his nose touching mine as he turned his head back to me. 

“You’re doing everything right, baby. It just feels” —he pressed himself against my groin with another groan—“too good.” I whimpered at the friction, wiggling restlessly underneath him.

“Eddie?” I asked, not knowing what the question was. Eddie knew though, cause he helped me rid myself of my clothing, and quickly rid himself of his. I tried not to stare at him — _to not stare at him!!_ —but I was terrified.  Having clothes on was one thing, being completely nude was another thing entirely. ** _Holy shit._**

“It might hurt a little the first time, but I’ll go slow, okay?” Eddie pushed himself up and nuzzled my nose with his. “Do you trust me?”

I nodded, unable to find words. Of course I trusted him, but I was still about to pass out. I was freaking out at what was to come, but I knew there was no turning back now. I closed my eyes as Eddie leaned back on his knees and pulled on a condom. I didn’t even care that I was wide-open to him, completely nude as he knelt before me. His hands rested on my knees, rubbing lazy circles that broke my skin out in goosebumps.

“Open your eyes, Sammie.” Eddie’s voice was gruff, ragged even. I opened my eyes. I was trembling under his fingers, my whole body on alert for whatever came next. “You’re beautiful, baby.”

I realized that Eddie was staring at me, like really staring at me, and I felt my chest heat with embarrassment. I tried to cover myself, to cover my breasts at least, but Eddie pulled my hands away and passed them at my side. He lay down on top of me, his chest pressed against mine... _his crotch pressed against mine._   My nipples hardened against the rough hair on his chest.

“Don’t be shy with me, Sammie.” He kissed me again, gently prying my lips open as he sought entrance. “Never with me.”

I felt his hand travel down my side, ghosting my hip as shivers followied in it’s wake. I felt him press my leg out, opening me to him. I then felt him press against that wet spot between my thighs, and I bit down hard on my lip in expectation.

  

“Just my fingers, sweetie,” Eddie murmured against my lips. “You’ve touched yourself before, haven’t you?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, mortified at his insinuation.

“You have.” He knew the answer without me answering.  He pressed his thumb against that little nub, that little piece of flesh that drove me insane. I felt my hips moving against him, utterly and completely out of my control.

“When was the last time you touched yourself?” He ran one long finger completely up my slit, from bottom to top, eliciting soft gasps from my parted lips. “When?”

“Two,” I panted, “two days ago.” I could no longer control the movement of my hips, and moved in-tune to the rhythm of his fingers against my most sensitive area. “But before that, it was after…after…” _I couldn't form words when he had his hand down there!_

“After I kissed you.” Eddie’s voice was tinged with pride that even I could detect. “Did you think about me?”

“Yes,” I breathed out, wriggling and squirming underneath him. He continued his slow onslaught, his fingers spreading out on each side of my vagina as he rubbed against me.

“What did you think about?” He slid his fingers up, tugging my clitoris between his thumb and forefinger. I could feel the slickness of my body as his coated his rough fingers, each smooth slip and slide making it harder and harder to breathe.  

“About you,” I moaned up at the ceiling.

"What about me? What did you want me to do?” Eddie released my clitoris, trailing his fingers down my soaking wet core yet again. I felt him press his thumb against my opening, teasing me, testing me. I was aching, burning up from the inside out.

“I…I want…wanted you to touch me.” I was ready to beg him to do whatever it was he needed to do to stop the ache that was tearing me up between my legs. It was almost painful, and all I could think was Eddie had the answer. He knew how to solve it.  I felt his hand slide back up my body, and cup my breast possessively. His fingers played with my aching nipple, pulling it into a taut peak. At the same time, I felt a dull pressure in-between my legs, and I subconsciously tensed up. Eddie stilled above me.

“Relax, baby.” Eddie had propped himself up on his hands, his forehead against mine as he slowly pushed into me. I felt a burning pressure, a stretching, stinging pleasure tinged with pain, and I grabbed for Eddie, wrapping my hands around his hips to still him.

“Slow, please.” My face was buried against his neck, our sweat mingling. Eddie pressed into me a little harder, and I forced myself to relax, to let my legs fall away. He sank all the way in, and I felt a throbbing beginning deep inside. My hips started moving, wanting him closer, even though I knew it wasn’t physically possible. He started rocking against me, each time withdrawing a bit before plunging back in. I no longer felt pain; now I felt something entirely different.  It didn't sneak up on me, but rather started crashing over me in wave after wave of almost unbearable pleasure.  

“Ugh, god… Eddie!” I screamed, but I didn't care.  I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, burying my face against his neck as he continued slamming into me. My world had exploded, the lights went dim, I couldn’t breathe, I was dying… _I was in heaven._ It was as if pleasure was rolling over me, radiating out from every part of my body, and quite literally making my toes curl. I pulled at the sheets with my toes, wanting to get every last little bit of this feeling that I could. I felt Eddie grip my thigh painfully and pull me to him, his body stilling as his hips jerked a few times against me. I could feel him inside me, could feel the movements as he came. Finally he collapsed, his breathing labored and heavy.

“God…goddamn,” he grunted against my neck. “Fuck.”

My heart was pounding in my chest, in my ears, the thumping erratic as I tried to calm my breathing, tried to catch my breath. 

“Eddie?” I breathed out.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.” I pressed a kiss to his sweaty temple, and was rewarded with that dimpled 'Eddie Vedder smile' as he looked down at me.

“I’m the one that should be thanking you.” He kissed me on the tip of my nose. “You’re fuckin’ amazing.”

‘Really?” I was shocked, being that it was my first time.

“Really,” Eddie affirmed. I winced as he pulled out of me. He rolled over, and discretely got rid of the condom. He quickly joined me back in bed, and pulled me into his chest. We lay naked, face to face, in the dim light. I lightly traced the contours of his apple-shaped cheeks, smiling as I felt the tell-tale stubble growing back.

His blue eyes stared back at me, glinting in the soft light let in by the moon.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life.”

I giggled, embarassesd and not sure of what to do. I’d never had anyone pay me such compliments before. I’d never had sex before. I’d never done a lot of things before.  I leaned over and pressed a tentative kiss against his lips. 

“I have to leave soon,” Eddie trailed a finger down my jaw. I pressed my hand against his chest, my fingers tracing patterns in the scarce chest hair there.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I don’t wanna leave either, but if Dave wakes up…”

“I know.” I pushed myself into his chest, burying my face against his throat. Eddie’s arms wrapped around me, holding me tight.

“Why could’t I have met you a few years ago?” His lips moved against my forehead.  I didn't want to address the emotion I heard in his voice, didn't want to give it room to grow. 

“I would have been 12 or 13.”

“I bet you were adorable.” Eddie hugged me tighter. “Probably a pain, but adorable.”

“Nah. At that age, I was very pissed off and very angry.” My voice dropped as the strain crept in.  All of a sudden I felt sad again, felt the depression starting to creep in. Would I ever get peace? 

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Will you stay with me if I do?” I tightened my arms about him, needing his warmth and strength.

“I’ll stay as long as I can.” Eddie kissed my forehead again. “Talk to me, sweetie.”

Talk to him, I did.  I let it all out.  I told him all about the years of not knowing my stepdad was in fact just that -  my stepdad.  I told him how my mom had lied to me and told me he was my real dad. I told Eddie, how that when I found out at 13, that the man I thought was my father was indeed not my father, and that I spent years thereafter looking at every blonde-haired, blue-eyed man I ran into, wondering if that was him, _wondering if he was my dad_.  My mom had revealed he lived in the same town as we did, so had I run into him before? Maybe he had been the guy at the convenience store that day buying a coke? The guy standing in line at Burger King, was that him? Nope, not him. My mother said my dad spent the majority of my life in and out of prison. Where he was now, I had no idea. I’d only been introduced to him once or twice, and each time was a disaster.  I told him how I felt like an outsider in my own family, how after that day, everything changed for me. 

“When’s the last time you talked to him?”

“At some funeral, I saw him. It was his father, my grandfather - someone else I didn’t know from that side of the family.” I was crying, not bothering to wipe away the tears that rolled down my cheeks.

‘I’m sorry.” Eddie kissed me on the forehead again. “Would it help to know I had pretty much the exact same thing happen to me?”

“Really?” I was sniffling again.

“Yep.”

His story was eerily similar to mine.  Frightfully similar.  Eddie told me how he’d also been led to believe that his stepdad was his real father, when in reality he wasn’t. That the man he thought was a family friend was actually his real dad.   How he'd felt like a fool when he found out, and how he was so damn angry at his mom and everyone else.  How he had regrets about so much. 

“He died a few years later, from multiple sclerosis.”

I started crying again, and not knowing what else to do, I got even closer and buried my face against Eddie’s neck.  As sad as I was, I felt relieved that somebody finally understood what I was going through.  Somebody else knew that pain all too well.   

_For the first time in who knows how long, I didn't feel alone._

_Somebody got me._


	12. Chapter 12

Eddie and I spent the next 6 days together. Most of our time was spent making love, although we did occasionally venture out for food. Whenever Dave came by, I pretended like I was sick one time, and the other time I was PMS’ing. He ran out quickly, although he did call to check up on me. Chris called, too, each time asking if I’d seen Eddie.

_Each time I said no._ Chris didn't need to worry with that. 

Imagine my surprise, when 3 days ahead of schedule, I walk into the living room, and see Chris sitting on the couch instead of Eddie. I nearly dropped my bowl of cereal as I scrambled to pull Eddie’s tee-shirt down my thighs.

“Chris?”

“Surprised?” Chris stood up. He tossed me the blanket from the couch. I wrapped it around me, feeling altogether childish.  He knew. **_I knew that he knew._**

“Where’s Eddie?”   _No point in beating around the bush, right?_

“Out front, talking to Stone.” Chris stopped before me. I could see that I’d hurt him, could see the betrayal reflected back at me in his eyes. I felt bad, really I did, but still. I was an adult.

“I’m sorry, Chris, really I am. But I’m also 18, and I can do what I want you know? Nothing happened till after I was 18, so there’s nothing illegal going on.” I lifted my chin defiantly.

“He has a girlfriend, Sammie. Did he tell you that?”

Was not expecting that.  I felt the the floor wobble beneath my feet, felt my stomach start churning as my heart began beating faster. I was gonna pass out.  This isn't happening.  I didn’t even know that I was shaking my head in denial until Chris spoke again.

“He does. Beth. They’ve been together for a long time, and they’re getting married.”

“You’re lying.” I shook my head as I tried to convince myself that I’d not just heard what he’d said. **_Married?!_** He told me 3 days ago that he loved me, that he was in love with me. _He told me loved me._

“I wish I was.” Chris reached for me, but I pulled out of his grasp. I was shaking, my whole body trembling with rising panic. 

“He loves me, and I love him.” I blinked rapidly.  I was crying, furious and sad and pissed off and hurt — all at the same time. “We love each other.”

“You’re naive, Sammie. And Ed’s confused.” Chris reached for me again, and this time I let him pull me against his chest. I was crying, sad, pathetic tears. _How could I be so stupid?_   The door opened, and with the way Chris stiffened against me,  I knew that Eddie was inside.  I pulled back, turning to stare at him through blurry eyes.

I could tell right away that what Chris had told me was the truth. This can't be happening. The look on Eddie’s face told me everything I needed to know. I felt my whole world cave in, felt all the happiness float out the window as if it never existed. The past week or so with Eddie was nothing now. _This can't be happening to me._

“Sammie? I can explain, okay?” Eddie cautiously approached me, hands held out before him as if he were attempting to calm a wild animal.  He was dressed now, and I vaguely wondered where he'd gotten his clothes from. _Stupid, stupid girl, with stupid, stupid thoughts._  I was so stupid to believe him. 

“What’s to explain?” I stepped out of Chris’s embrace. “Does she know?”

Eddie moved closer, stopping barely a foot in front of me. “Sammie, look—”

**_“Does she know?”_** I asked again. I was no longer crying. The tears had dried up as anger took over. I was hissing, spitting mad.  I was beyond furious, my entire body shaking with white-hot rage.

“No.”

I stepped closer to Eddie and slapped him.   **Hard.**   My hand stung, but I didn’t care.  I tried to hit him again, tried to slap his face and pound on his chest, but Chris grabbed me from behind, and pulled me back even as I wildly swung at Eddie.  

“Don’t do this, Sammie,” Chris whispered in my ear.  Stone stood awkwardly in the doorway, not looking, but not looking away either.  I knew it was him that alerted Chris. I fucking hate Stone.  I was so damn embarrassed.  Everyone knew all along, but me.  I was crying again.  Eddie was crying. I stared at him, he was crying, and all I wanted to do was hurt him the way he’d hurt me. I hated him. _In that moment I hated him more than I ever loved him._

“I fucking hate you,” I hissed through my blurry eyes and tears. “I fucking hate you, you son of a bitch.”

“Please don’t say that, Sammie. Please. I’m sorry.” Eddie wiped at his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I am so sorry. I wanted to tell you.”

“ _You are sorry_ , Eddie. She doesn’t deserve you.” I pulled out of Chris’s arms and headed for the stairs. I turned back around. “Go back to her. Maybe she’ll take you back, but I hope she doesn’t. I hope you get exactly what you deserve — _nothing._ ”

With that, I ran up the stairs, blinded by another wave of tears. I slammed my bedroom door behind me, not caring any longer. I looked around the room, frantic in my need to do something, anything.  I needed to destroy something, I needed to let out this overwhelming rage that was tearing me up inside.  I found the flowers that Eddie had brought me yesterday, and I threw them at the wall. The vase shattered, glass, and water, and flowers scattering everywhere. I realized I was still in Eddie’s tee shirt; I quickly ripped it off and changed into my own clothing. I gathered all of his shit - _to include everything he’d given me_ — and ran back downstairs.

Eddie was backed up against the wall. Chris stood before him, one finger pointed in his friend’s face. I pushed past Chris and shoved the items into Eddie’s chest, and tried yet again to slap him, to hit him. **_Something._**   This time it was Stone that pulled me back, and I struggled even harder. 

“Come on, Sammie. Let’s go in the kitchen, okay?” Stone dragged me back to the kitchen, all the while I was struggling to be let free.  I just wanted to hit him. To pound his beautiful face into the ground. To tell him how much I had loved him, and now how much I hated him. **_I hated him so fucking much._**   Stone held me to his chest, his arms tight around me as I sagged against him and cried.

"Why would he do this to me?” I cried quietly.

“I don’t know, sweetie, but it’s over, okay?” Stone spoke softly, calmly. “It’ll all be okay.”

I could hear Chris and Eddie arguing, then another slammed door. Chris came in the kitchen, and pulled me from Stone’s arms, and into his.

“I’m sorry, Sammie. I was worried about this happening, and I hoped it wouldn’t.” He kissed me on the forehead. No longer crying, I pulled out of his arms.

“Leave me alone, okay? Just let me be by myself for a while.”

“Sammie-”

“No! Just let me be, please.” I walked back up the stairs, this time closing the door behind me softly.

I had no fight left in me. None. I was empty, he’d taken it all with him. Defeated, I lay down on the bed and wrapped myself up in the blanket. As I did so, I heard something crumple. I reached under the pillow and pulled out the piece of paper from Eddie’s notebook. I felt my eyes fill with the tears that I thought I’d run out of. Would I ever stop crying? 

  

He’d said he was writing songs about me, and this was the beginning of one. I read the words,  feeling my heart shatter into a million little pieces all over again.

 

**_there's a light when my baby's in my arms_ **  
**_there's a light when the window shades are drawn_ **  
**_hesitate when i feel i may do harm to her_ **  
**_wash it off cuz this feeling we can share_ **  
**_and i know she's reached my heart, in thin air_ **

  
For the first time in many nights to come to come, I would cry myself to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Eddie's journal - November 21st, 1990**

 

I lost her. I really fucked up. She hates me. She told me so. Chris came home early, and found out what was going on.  He told her what was going on with me and Beth. I should have been the one to tell her. I hate Chris for telling her. I fucking hate him. I can’t stay in the band any more.  I have to do my own thing. Chris hates me too, I can feel it. Chris warned me about Sammie, he trusted me to not fuck it up but I did.  I can't work with him anymore.  I still have Stone and Jeff and Mike, so we’re gonna do our own thing.

I just wish I could have done things differently with Sammie.  She's the best thing that ever happened to me.  She was light, and pure, and happy. I took that from her. I made her cry. I never wanted to do that. I never want her to be unhappy. I want to go to her, to beg her to forgive me. I’ll break up with Beth, call the wedding off. I don’t care anymore. I just want Sammie back.  But I know I can’t have her. She won’t take me back.

She told me she loved me first, but I knew I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. I fell in love first, even if I didn’t tell her first. Someone told me, or I read somewhere that the most true love is an unrequited one. The one that you really want is the one you can’t have. I think that’s true, cause she will never love me again. I also think it's such fucking bullshit how unfair this world is. Why did I have to meet her now? She fucking hates me.  I hurt her too bad. I’m such a fucking loser.

Beth and I are fucked up. We are not good for each other. I don’t trust her, and I don’t think she trusts me.  Maybe she’s what I deserve. Maybe she’s the best I’ll ever be able to do for myself. Beth understands me, even if she doesn’t love me the way I need to be loved. Sammie has never seen me at my worst, never seen me lose my cool, never seen me high as a fucking kite. Sammie deserves so much more than me. Beth understands what it’s like in the music world.

There’s nothing I can do now. I’m gonna marry Beth. I’ll try to make it work. It’s what she wants. I haven’t decided if I’ll tell her or not, but I think not. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate myself more than anyone else could ever hate me.

I started writing another song about her. Maybe she’ll listen and know that it’s about her. Know that I’m so very sorry, and that I would do anything to fix what I’ve broken.  I am so fucked up. 

**_If just one wish could bring her back_ **   
**_It’s sad._ **   
**_And his loneliness is proof_ **   
**_It’s sad._ **   
**_I will always love you_ **   
**_It’s sad._ **

 

**__ **


	14. Chapter 14

**My journal - April 1991 - Corpus Christi, TX**

****

Yeah, I started journaling. My therapist said I should. It seems to piss me off more, but whatever. I’ll do it until I find something else to do.  I'm just waiting to go off to college. I need to get away from here.  I love it here by the water.  I wish I could just live on the beach and never worry about anything. The salt in my hair, the waves coming in and out, makes me so happy. 

Eddie and _Pearl Jam,_ his new band, dropped their debut album in March of 1991.  I couldn’t help myself - I bought it. I bought it, and I listened to it in my Walkman and cried for more days than I could count.  I wondered about _Black._ What was that song about? I was stupid enough to think it might be about me. _Release,_ that was a way different story. I haven’t listened to it since that first time. It’s too hard.  Especially with all this shit with my dad.  He's been sending me letters from prison, and I think it's all bullshit, but a part of me wants to believe it's something more this time. Who the hell knows.  I kinda hate Eddie for writing that song, even though I know it's about his dad.  It's childish of me to think it's about my shit, when I know it's clearly about Eddie's dad.  I just wish he'd never have written that damn song. I hate it. 

I decided to start at UNT, since I wanna stay in Texas, at least for now. I’m thinking about biology, but specifically zoology. Or maybe environmental conservation. I’m interested in traveling abroad, and I want to study. Maybe one of those people that lives with indigenous people and see how they live. I don’t know what I want to do with myself. I just want to do something that takes me away from here.  I don't want to be tied down to anything, and I'm young, so why not do it now?   There's opportunities here starting in May, and I'm about 100% sure I'm going. 

Dave has been calling a lot. I think he wants to ask me out — I think he’s always wanted to ask me out.  I don’t know that I’m ready, though. I’m still hurting. Eddie is everywhere. I saw him yesterday in the grocery store on one of those teen magazines. I wonder if he cut his hair, or if it's just tucked under his hat?  I remember that flannel shirt.  

 

He doesn’t look sad.  He just looks like Eddie. Gorgeous, sweet, shy, funny Eddie. I’m still in love with him, I know it.  He was my first love, and I wonder when it’s going to ease up.  I wonder if he's happy with her.  I wonder if they're married yet. I feel stupid, cause I'm so young, and I feel like Eddie was just using me. But then I think about the time we spent together, and even though it was short, I feel like he knows me better than I know myself.  I feel like he gets me.  He told me he loved me. How could he lie like that?   I’m tired of crying.  I don't even listen to music anymore, except for when I cave and put Eddie's tape in.  Sometimes I just want to hear his voice, but then I get pissed, and I start crying, and it's horrible.  I have thrown that tape away at least 4 times, and each time, I go and dig it out of the trash.  I'm so pathetic. 

Chris has called to check on me, but I have told my mom I don't wanna talk to any of them, including him.  It's so embarrassing.  I feel like this little child that everyone is coddling, and trying to protect me.  I'm so sick of it.  I just wanna be out of here. 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Beginning of May, 1991**

 

“Sam?”

“Yeah?” I called from my bed. My mom peeked around my door.

“You have a visitor.”

I sighed as I sat up. “Who is it?”

“I don’t know him. He said not to tell you, that he wanted it to be a surprise.”

“I’m not in the mood for surprises,” I grumbled as I flopped back down on the bed. _Who the hell would be surprising me?_   My mom stepped in my room.

“You’re not in the mood for anything lately.” She sat down on the bed and patted my thigh. “You need to get up and do something with yourself.”

“I am doing something. I’m laying here, waiting to die.” I could be so dramatic when I wanted to.

Mom stood up. ‘Well, get your butt up, cause I’m letting him in, and he’s gonna see you like this. I’ll give you about 5 or 10 minutes to clean up.” With that, she disappeared. Frustrated,  I crawled off the bed, not knowing who was outside, but not wanting to look like a complete slug either. I brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, slapped on some deodorant, and changed shirts. It’s the best I could manage.   I headed down the hallway, towards the living room.

My mouth turned up in a smile when I saw Dave sitting on the couch. He saw me, and broke out in a toothy grin of his own.

“Sammie!” He stood up, and walked over to me, scooping me up in his arms and swinging me around like he always did.

“Put me down, you big ape!” I couldn’t suppress the laugh that escaped. I hadn’t laughed in so long. Dave set me down, but his hands remained at my shoulders.

“You look like shit, girl.” Dave shook his head. I laughed again. My mom frowned from behind him. 

“Mom, chill. This is Dave, he’s an old friend from Seattle. _One of Chris’s friends_.” I laced my arm through Dave’s for emphasis.

“Okay. In that case, I’ll leave you two to it.” My mom took her leave, leaving us in the living room.

“How did you get here?” I led Dave back over to the couch and we both sat down.

“Uhhh…in my car,” Dave rolled his eyes dramatically. I punched him in the shoulder.

“You’re still an ass, I see.”

“Actually, I think you’re the ass for leaving the way you did. You don’t return my calls, what was I supposed to do?” Dave turned to me, serious this time. I looked down at my hands, fiddling with my fingernails.  I knew I should have at least said goodbye to them all, but I couldn't. I just run away, it's what I do. It's what I've always done. None of them deserved it, though, especially not Dave.  

“I know. I’m sorry for that. I just couldn’t stay any longer after…after…” I trailed off, choking on tears again. I fucking hated Eddie so much for all this shit he’d caused.  Dave reached over and patted my knee.

“I know what happened. I heard it from everyone.”

I looked up, my eyes wide at that insinuation. “Did you talk to him?”

Dave rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “Yeah, he came to me after Chris nearly beat the shit out of him.  Was right after you left. He was torn up pretty badly, Sam. Talking crazy shit. I thought he was gonna hurt himself or something.”

“ _Wait, are you here for Eddie?_ _**Like did he send you**?_ ” My eyes narrowed accusingly. Dave leaned back, his brows raised in disbelief, and not a little anger. 

“Of- _fucking_ -course not. Eddie made his own fuckin' bed, he can fuckin' lie in it.” Dave reached over and grabbed my hand.  “I’m here for you, babe.”

I leaned back against the couch, still holding Dave’s hand.

“I don’t want to talk about him, hear about him, read about him - _nothing_. I’m serious, Dave.” I looked up at him, my jaw set in anger, matching his. “I want to forget about him. I hate him and I don’t want to know anything about him.”

“Got it.” Dave nodded, and squeezed my hand for emphasis.  We sat in silence for a few minutes. 

“How long are you here for?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

“Really just a day or so. I got a gig down in the Woodlands tomorrow night.” Dave smiled at me. “Wanna come? I’m playing with this group called _Nirvana_. They’re taking off pretty good.”

“I have heard of _Nirvana_ , actually.” **_Who hadn’t heard of Nirvana???_   **The grunge movement out of Seattle was exploding.  Chris was doing his thing with his band, used to be _Temple of The Dog_ , but now I think it’s _Soundgarden_ , or something like that?  Try as I might, I tried to avoid it all, even though I had secretly listened to _Pearl Jam’s_ first album more times than I could count. It was like a drug - I knew it was bad for me, but I couldn’t stop.  I needed to hear his voice, even if it broke my heart in ten thousand different ways. 

“Sammie?” Dave waved a hand in front of my face.

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m just not up for it, especially not that kind of scene or music, you know?” I pulled my hand from him and wrapped my arms around my knees as I pulled them to my chest. My throat was constricting again; I knew what was coming. 

“Still thinking about him, huh?” Dave sighed wearily.

“I wish I could stop, but he’s always there.” I swiped at a tear before it rolled down my cheek. _Damn you, Eddie. **Damn you.**_

“I really think he was sorry for the way things went down, you know?” Dave leaned forward, his chin propped in the palm of his left hand. “I’ve known Ed for a while, and I’ve never seen him act that way before. I do think he loved you.”

“Yeah, well, _he’s got a girlfriend_. Or did he get married yet?” I sniffled as the thought of him kissing her passed through my mind. I wondered what she looked like, how old she was. What did Eddie love about her? Did they have fun together like we did? These were the things that kept me up at night. Drove me fucking mad.

“Not as far as I know, but I haven’t talked to him in a while. Afterwards…after that shit went down, we all kinda went our separate ways. _Pearl Jam_ \- Eddie’s group - is doing well, as you probably know. They’ve been all over. Chris is doing good with his band. I like where I’m at.” Dave shrugged his shoulders as if to indicate that all was going as well as can be expected. I felt myself growing angrier by the second.

“Well, I’m glad all of your lives are working out so great.” I muttered as I picked at a hole in my pajama pants. 

“I didn’t mean it that way, Sammie,” Dave apologized quietly.

“Please go, okay?” I wiped at another tear. I was so pathetic, so full of self-pity that I couldn’t even stand myself. _I hated myself right now._

“Sammie-”

“Just go! _**Just go!”**_ I angrily stood up, and headed to the front door. I swung it open, and waited by it. Dave stood, his hands shoved in his pockets as he made his way over to me. He stopped at the door opening.

“I’m sorry he did that to you, Sammie. I really am.”

Tears rolled freely down my cheeks.  I couldn't speak, that lump in my throat was killing me.  

“We all cared about you, not just him.  Eddie fucked up - not me. Not Chris, not Jeff, not Stone - none of us.  Eddie did this to you.  None of us hurt you like he did, and I don't think we deserve to get treated like shit, but you go ahead and do what you want.” He leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss against the top of my head.  “Chris will know how to get in touch with me if you ever wanna see me again.”

I watched Dave walk out of my door and out of my life. I wouldn’t see him again for nearly 10 years.

 

 

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**November 11th, 1993 - Denton, TX - My 21st birthday**

I was back at the University of North Texas, just getting ready for my holiday break. Since it was my birthday, I was supposed to be going out with some friends.  It was my second year of college, and my life was going pretty good, all things considered.  I had lots of friends, I had good grades. Hell, I might even have a boyfriend if things went according to plan tonight.  I checked my reflection in the mirror again.  I was doing a semester abroad, living with a family in Germany, and had just returned the previous weekend in order to spend the holidays with my mom.  I was gonna drive down tomorrow, stay through the New Year, and then head back overseas. Only 2 years of college left. From there, I had no idea what I was going to do. Traveling abroad had kept me busy, and I was about 99% sure that was what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life — at least in some capacity. I shoved my lipstick in my purse just as my phone rang. With my free hand, I held up the receiver to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Don’t hang up on me, please.”

_I knew that voice._

“How did you get my number, Eddie?” My heart thumped loudly in my chest as his name rolled off my tongue. It had been so very long since I’ve heard him speak to me in person. I was immediately transported back to Seattle in 1990.  God. 

“Your mom. I pretended to be Dave.” He sounded sheepish, embarrassed.

“So nothing’s changed then, still a liar.” I blinked back tears.

“Ouch. I deserve that, I know.”

“And then some. What do you want?” Bitterness crept back into my voice. I was still so damn mad at him, still so hurt. And it bothered me that I was so mad at him. **_When would it end?_**

“I wanted to tell you happy birthday.”

 _He wanted to tell me happy birthday?!_ A tear rolled down my cheek. He had remembered every year since the first time, and every year, I got a letter or a card, forwarded by Chris to my mom’s house. No matter where he was, he sent me something. Like an idiot, I kept them all safely tucked away in a box in my closet. I couldn’t part with them.

“Why won’t you leave me alone?” I sniffled as I wiped my cheeks off.

“You know why.” Eddie sighed into the receiver. “You’re crying, aren’t you?”

“It’s what you do best, make me cry.”

“Will you ever believe I’m sorry?” Eddie’s voice had dropped, and knowing him, he was close to tears himself.

“You’re still with her, aren’t you?” I couldn’t help myself.

“It’s complicated, Sammie. I would like to talk to you, if you’ll see me.”

“Don’t call me again.” I hung up on him, and for good measure, pulled the plug from the wall.  I spent the next few hours, huddled in the corner of my bedroom, silently crying. My night was ruined. I felt like my life was ruined.  Eddie had once again taken my heart right out of my chest and crushed it in his hands.   It was like nothing had changed;  I was catapulted right back into the past. 

**I hated him.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Eddie’s journal -  November 11th 1993**

**University of North Texas Coliseum, Denton, TX**

I just spoke to her. The first time in 2 years. I pretended to be Dave when I called her mom. I don’t feel sorry for stealing her mom’s number off Chris’s fridge that one day. Not even a little. How was I supposed to get in touch with her after she left? 

It's her birthday today, and I know she's at home.  We're playing the coliseum here. I know she's here. I was hoping she'd come see me, or something. We're in the same city - probably miles from each other, and I can't see her.  It's killing me.  I don't wanna sing tonight. I just wanna get drunk, or high, or both.  I shoulda had Stone call her, or Jeff maybe.  Anybody but me. 

She still hates me.  Nothing’s changed there. I don’t think it ever will. She won’t even talk to me, won’t even let me explain. I guess I need to get it in my head that it’s really over. It was over long before it started, and all because I’m a lying asshole.

I think Beth is cheating on me. I think she has been cheating on me. But for whatever reason, Beth is safe for me. Even if I know she’s doing bad stuff, how can I judge her after what I’ve done? I think we’ll get married. It’s just kinda snowballing now.

Our band is taking off really fast. It’s scary as fuck.  I’m on a magazine cover. It’s fucking surreal. I have girls throwing panties and bras at me, grabbing me at the shows. It pisses me off. I just want to sing. I want to go back to Seattle, to the old house, and sing for Sammie like I used to. Those 7 days we spent together were the best time of my life. Me playing the guitar and signing, with her head resting against my shoulder, was heaven for me. I would give anything to go back to that.  Sammie didn’t care about the fame or the band - she loved me. I think she liked me just as I was.  I know she did.  I wonder if she still does even a little.  I still love her.

 I wrote this song for her, it doesn’t have a title yet. Maybe I won’t give it one. I just wish she would let me talk to her.

_**Untitled:** _

**_I got a car, got some gas…let’s get the fuck outta here, outta here fast…_ **

**_I wanna go, but I don’t wanna go…alone…_ **

**_I hope you get this message, you’re not home, I coulda been, there right in, 23 minutes or so…_ **

**_You don't gotta pack your things, we’ll make it up as we go along…_ **

**_I wanna go, but I don’t wanna go alone…_ **

**_It’s been two years, since you been gone, and I still love you, wherever you go…_ **

**_Oh I'm_ _so confused, so I sta **y in my roo** m_..**

**_I wanna go but I don’t wanna go alone…with you…with you, I could never feel alone…_ **

 

   

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**November 11th - 1994 - My 22nd birthday**

I was spending my birthday alone again, traipsing through downtown San Diego by myself.  I was back from my study abroad in Germany, and only here for about 2 weeks. Why I came to San Diego, I had no idea.  I had no interest in going home, and this was the airport I landed in, so here I stayed until it was time to leave. I was already missing Germany and the people I worked and lived with there. I intended to get my entire degree in Germany, I loved it there so much. Hell, maybe I would stay there forever, who knows? I was standing in line behind some dude at the gas station, a bottle of Pepsi, and a bag of Doritos in my hand, when I saw it.

_It was him._

_And her._

**_And they were married, if People magazine had reported correctly._ **

**__ **

 Without thinking, I pulled the magazine off the shelf and stepped back out of the line and into an empty aisle, turning the pages as fast as I could to find the evidence of what my heart didn’t want to believe. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I finally laid eyes on _her_.

She was not what I was expecting. She wasn’t a model, and she wasn’t super thin and lean like rock star girlfriends usually were.  She was normal. She was normal, and she was pretty, and she was married to him.  My eyes traveled to Eddie, desperately scanning his face for any trace of unhappiness, but I found none.  My heart broke a little more. He had done it — he’d gotten marred, and he was happy. _He looked happy._ Everyone looked happy.   Everyone but me.  I felt so damn guilty seeing her and him together.  Eddie was such an asshole, and my hatred for him grew.   _How could he do this to us?_

  

I closed the magazine. _What was I thinking opening it? **Why did I still care?**_ He obviously didn’t. He probably never did care.

I choked back tears as I headed back to the register, and placed my items on the counter.

$8.38:  one bottle of Pepsi, one bag of nacho cheese Doritos… _and one **People** magazine that I had no business buying._

                                                                                                              


	19. Chapter 19

**November 11th, 2000 - My 28th birthday - The Woodlands, TX, my apartment**

“You check the mail?” I dropped my purse on the counter as I walked into the living room.

“I did, actually.” James stood up, a worn, familiar shoe box in his hand. “Wanna explain this?”

“Where did you find that?” I swallowed hard, wondering how much he’d seen, wondering if he’d looked inside. He walked over to me and dropped the shoe box on the floor. Pictures, letters, cards - it all spilled out and scattered across the laminate floor.

“So you gotta thing for this guy?” He pulled a card from his back pocket. “This Eddie, guy? He sent this to you today. Looks like he’s been sending you stuff since 1990 or so.” James stepped closer, and I could see that he was very mad. _Like very, very mad._

“It’s just what he does. It doesn’t mean anything,” I hedged, doing my best to minimize it.  James lifted his eyebrows as he opened the card.  My knees started shaking as he began reading out loud. 

**_I still love you. It’s been 10 years, and I still love you. I hope you know that. I know things are still fucked up, cause that’s what I do - I fuck things up. I hope one day you can forgive me. I am so sorry._ **

**_I love you always,_ **

**_EV_ **

“Doesn’t sound like he doesn’t mean anything.” James tossed the card at me; I caught it against my chest.  He stepped forward, towering over me, and not for the first time in our two-year relationship did I feel unease.  James could be very jealous, I’d seen that increasing throughout our time together.  Questioning where I was, why it took so long at the store, why I was wearing that top, or those jeans. He was the reason why I’d not been back overseas.  For the most part, I just kinda dealt with it.  He'd only been physical once, and that was just when he grabbed my arm. I had pissed him off that day, so it was kinda my fault.  He was a good guy, all things considered, and I knew I was lucky to have him. 

“It doesn’t mean anything, James.”

“We’ve been together for two years, right?” James’ voice was low, menacing.

“Ye—yes,” I stuttered as I stared at a spot on his shirt.

“So you’ve been talking to this guy in that time, haven’t you? Behind my back?”

“Of course not, James! I would—”

The blow came out of nowhere, completely unexpected.  I would never forget it for as long as I lived.  James hit me so hard across my right cheek that my lip busted. I still remember that taste of blood as it pooled behind my teeth. I was reeling, literally rocked in my boots, and I stumbled back, feeling for the couch as I tried to get away from him.

“You wanna keep lying to me?” James followed, his hand clenched at his side in a tight fist. I held my hand up, trying to ward him off as I backed up.

“I swear, I won’t.” I was crying, my vision blurry from both the hit and my tears. “Please, James. I’m sorry. I swear, nothing happened.”

“I want that shit out of my house!” James screamed in my face as he leaned down. I could smell the liquor on his breath, and my stomach roiled with nausea. I did my best to not let my disgust show.

“Okay. I’ll get rid of it all. I promise.” I held my cheek with one hand, while the other I continued to hold out front of me, to hold him back. **_As if I could._**

He stared at me for a few moments more, but thankfully, finally left. The door slammed behind him, rattling our small apartment.

I dropped to my knees, the adrenaline pumping through me overwhelming me as I began trembling. With shaking hands, I scooped up all the letters, all the cards, and the pictures I had of Eddie and I. The polaroids of that time together in Seattle. I stared at one, a picture of Eddie sitting on Chris's old busted couch in the living room. I'm pretty sure it was the day after my birthday.  Dave had just left, and Eddie had snuck downstairs.  It was all so secretive and so fun.   He didn’t know I’d brought my camera out, and I snuck that picture when he had laughed at something I'd said about us getting caught.  We were so happy.

 

I watched as a tear landed on the photo, and reality slapped me back into the present.  I had to get out of this apartment before James came back. I had to go now.  I started picking up the mess, my fingers ghosting over 10 years of birthday cards, postcards, and letters.  Tears continued to roll down my cheeks. 

**_I hated Eddie._ **

I hated him for making me so happy back then. I hated him for sending me cards every year, hated him for making me feel like there was a chance. He filled up these cards with sentimental bullshit that he was too scared to act on.

I hated him for making me feel like James was what I deserved, that someone like James was the best I could do.  I hated Eddie.  I settled because of Eddie. 

_**I hated him.** _

I scooped up all the pictures and other things and shoved them back in the shoebox. I stood up, grabbed my purse and my keys, and quickly made my way to the front door. I peeked outside, relieved to see that James’ car was gone. I grabbed my jacked from the hook on the wall, and headed to my car.  As I pulled away from the parking lot, I glanced over at the seat next to me. The shoebox was still there.

**_I hated him, but I still couldn’t let him go._ **

* * *

   
I pulled into my mom’s house 2 hours later.  After much fussing, I finally told her what happened.  A few hours of flat-out refusing to go to the hospital, I took two Tylenol and some sleeping pill my mom had.  The next day, I woke up I found out that Chris knew as well.  He was pissed, Mom said.  Soon after that, I received a phone call from Eddie.

“I’m coming right now.” His voice was hard, full of anger that I could hear through the phone.

“Why bother? You’ve never come before.” I pulled the phone under my blanket, thankful to have a cordless phone. Why I was talking to Eddie, I had no idea. _I hated him._ I was too tired to hang up the phone. All I wanted to do was sleep.  I was still drowsy from the meds, but more so, I was mentally exhausted.  I was just done.   

“Sammie, please talk to me.”

“It’s been, what? 9 or 10 years, Eddie?” I started crying again. “Please leave me alone. Go be with your wife. Be happy, and leave me alone.”

“I’m not happy without you. Wherever I go, and you’re not there, I don’t wanna be there. I’m leaving her, Sammie.  We’re breaking up. It’s been shit since we got together, we both know that now.” Eddie’s voice resonated through the phone, and I could feel my eyes closing as the sound lulled me to sleep.

“Sammie? Are you there?”

“Uhh-huh,” I mumbled.

“You’re sleepy. I can hear it in your voice.”

“Sing something for me?” I whispered into the receiver, as my eyes finally closed.

“Okay.” I could vaguely hear Eddie chuckle, and then he was singing.

 

**_I have not been home, since you left long ago…_ **

**_I’m thumbing my way back to heaven…_ **

**_I wish that I could hold you, I wish that I had…_ **

**_I’m thumbing my way back to heaven.._ **

 

I fell asleep with the phone pressed against my ear.


	20. Chapter 20

  
Two days later, I received a phone call from Stone. Stone I had kept in touch with, Stone I still talked to regularly.  James didn’t know about it, no one did — not even Chris probably.

“Hey, Stoney. What’s up?” I yawned into the receiver. I winced as my swollen cheek and busted lip screamed in agony.

“First, how are you?” Stone’s voice was hard, angrier than I’d ever heard him. I knew he would have heard about what happened, and I was surprised he hadn’t shown up himself. It was safe to say that Stone was probably about one of the best friends I had — he knew all my dirty little secrets, and I knew his.  He never pressed me about Eddie, and he let me talk when I needed to. Stone was just Stone, and I loved him for it.

“I’m fine. Who told you?”

“Eddie. And Chris. And your mom.” I heard him sigh into the phone. “Why didn’t you tell me this guy was an asshole from the beginning?” His tone was accusatory; I knew I deserved it.

“I thought it was nothing big, you know? It was more annoying at first, but looking back, I can see the red flags that I missed along the way.” I pulled the blanket up around my waist. “Lesson learned, okay?”

“You’re not going back to him, are you?”

“Of course not. We’re gonna have the police come with me when I go get my things. I’ve filed a report and everything. It’s over.” For some reason I was sad, and I had no idea why. James was an asshole, I knew that. But still, it was the end of a relationship. _I sucked so bad at those..._

“Good. You staying with your mom for now?”

“Yeah. Til it’s time to go back to Germany. I’m almost done with school, so I may just get a small apartment there or something.” I picked at the blanket. “There’s nothing here for me.”

“Look, Sammie, I don’t wanna do this, but I need to tell you what’s going on.”

I felt my heart speed up, and begin thumping loudly against my ribs.   _Was he okay?_  '

“Is it Eddie? What’s wrong?” I couldn’t hide the fear; my blood had run cold. I knew his propensity for climbing stuff he shouldn't climb, and visions of him breaking his neck flashed before my eyes.  

“Have you been watching the news at all?”

“No.” I actively avoided the news, or anything that might have Eddie on. I was the most uninformed person I knew — and I liked it that way. _Out of sight, out of mind._

“Well, back in June, we played a show in Denmark, the Roskilde festival. Something happened with the crowd, and somehow 9 people ended up dead. Lots more injured. It was right when we were singing.”

“Oh my god, Stone. I don’t even know what to…how is… _is everyone okay?_ ” I was just above a whisper as horrifying images filled my head.

“We’re all fine. Physically I mean. But Ed, well, he took it very bad. He had been broken up with Beth for some time before that, but his divorce was final a few months later. He’s just been out of control since. I think he talked to you, told you they were breaking up right?”

“Yes, he called me yesterday.”

“Well, he’s a damn mess, Sammie. He’s been doing drugs since Roskilde, drinking too much. The divorce was hard, even though it was for the best. He still blames himself for everything, now even more so. I think he thought that once he left Beth, you two would get back together, and you haven’t, so it’s all eating him up.  He and her went back and forth.  He blames himself for the concert. He said we were never playing a show again.

“Why didn’t he say anything to me?” I was crying again. **_Damn him._**

“He’s so fucked up, Sammie. I don’t think he knows what to say to you.”

“What am I supposed to do? It’s been so long.” I pulled the old shoe box out from under my bed, and began sifting through the cards. I pulled out that picture of Eddie sitting on the couch and stared at it. I knew exactly what I wanted to to, but I was too scared to do it. I was too afraid that all this shit would start again, and I was barely recovered from what happened so long ago.

“We’re playing a small show next week. It’s the first one Eddie agreed to, and I’m worried about it. We can’t get him to calm down, I’m hoping maybe you can. Will you come?”

“Why?”

“I just want you to talk to him, see if you can get him to make some sense.” Stone sighed again. “Please? I’ll send you the ticket, and a pass. Just come watch the show, and if you wanna come backstage, then you can. If not, I’ll understand. I just want you to see what’s going on. I’m worried about all of us, but really worried about Eddie. He’s bad off. I think he needs help, but he won’t hear it from me.”

I hung up the phone a few minutes later, completely terrified at what I'd gotten myself into.   I knew that I was going to go see Eddie. _I knew it._   I didn’t have to worry about James, I wasn’t going back overseas for now. I had nothing holding me back, other than my fears. My heart was breaking for Eddie and the band. I could only imagine what they were going through. I had so many thoughts in my head.

_Why hadn’t he told me they were already divorced when he called me earlier?_

_Why hadn’t he told me about the festival? It might have made that call a little different._

I couldn’t figure out why Eddie did the things he did.

**_He made no damn sense._ **

 


	21. Chapter 21

The following week, I found myself landing in the Seattle-Tacoma airport. I was already nervous.  Stone was picking me up, and I would be staying with him and Ava until I went back home. They were engaged, and I was so happy for them, although I did tease Stone that it took him long enough; _better late than never I guess._ I couldn't deny I was a little jealous; the lucky ones were all in love, and I was just over here being fucked over by men, one right after the other.  Determined to not be miserable, I tried to push those negative thoughts aside. 

As I stepped out of the airport, I felt a sense of deja vu pass over me. The last time I was here, I was 17 years old. Naive and stupid and full of childish views on the world. I’d seen so much — _been through so much_ — since then, it was almost comical. Hell, if it weren't so sad, I'd probably laugh! I was such a different person now, in so many ways.

I wondered if Eddie would still have any feelings for me — _the current me_ — or if all his feelings were still tied to who I was. That girl, the one that thought Eddie was going to make all her dreams come true. That girl that thought Eddie Vedder was her soulmate, the love of her life. 

_How things had changed…_

**“Hey! Sammie!”**

I looked across the way and saw Stone waving at me from his car. Smiling, I quickly made my way over to him.

_He had changed too._

Gone was the long hair that he'd usually kept in a ponytail. The weird facial hair was gone, too. He’d morphed into a not-unattractive man, and I couldn’t help but smile a little bigger as he wrapped me in a hug. While we’d remained close over the years, we’d not seen each other since I left Seattle before. I always had an excuse, or was busy, or something so as to keep everyone - _even Stone_ \- at a safe distance. Being here now, I felt guilty for being so distant.

“I am so glad you came,” Stone mumbled against my hair. I could hear it in his voice; I hugged him a little harder.

“Don’t know if I am, but I’m glad to see you.”

Stone pulled back to stare down at me. He gave me a gentle smile, a confident smile.

“I’m not asking you to do anything you don’t wanna do, okay? Just be there, take a look, tell me what you see. Like I said, if you wanna come back and visit, that’s cool. I won’t be disappointed if you don’t; I’ll understand.”

“Does he know I’m here?” I asked the question I’d been too afraid to ask before.

“Nope.” Stone dropped his hands from my shoulders, and reached down and grabbed my suitcase. I followed him around to the back of the car. “I figured that was your decision to make, not mine.” He laid my suitcase inside and closed the trunk.

“Thank you.”

“You ready, then? Ava is dying to see you.” Stone walked to my side and opened the door. I climbed in and buckled, my heart steadily pounding in my chest.

_Here goes nothing…_

  

* * *

I walked down the halls of Stone’s house, doing my best to avoid looking at the pictures. There were so many of the band — so many of Eddie.  It was all too much for my poor heart to take. There was one picture in particular of Stone and Eddie, and I had no idea when it was taken, but I couldn’t believe the difference in Eddie.

  

His hair was gone, his cheeks had filled out, he looked… _older_.   ** _Wiser?_ ** He looked like a man that had been around the world, and seen too much shit. His hair was still curly - _there was no taming that_ \- but it was so short.  He was the same, but so different.  Stone was different.  We were all different, and I was immensely sad that we all grew up.

“That was ’98 I think? Seattle.” Stone came up behind me.

“Yeah, I remember that show,” Ava remarked she placed her arm around my shoulder. “You alright, Sammie?”

I looked away from the photo as I struggled not to cry. _Was I alright? Was that a fucking joke?_   “I’m fine, of course.”

“Let’s get outta here, go grab something to eat. Want to?” Stone offered. I shook my head.

“I think I’m just gonna turn in. I’m tired from the flight, and all that.” _Still lying._ I wanted to go crawl in that bed and pull the covers up over my head, and pretend like none of this was happening. I knew that Eddie was somewhere in this damn city, and I was pissed off. I was scared, but so damn aggravated. I wanted to go to him and slap the shit out of him again, just for all the hell that he put me through. For all the hell he was continuing to put me through.

“Then we’ll stay in, as well,” Ava smiled at me as she squeezed my shoulder. “No biggie.”

“Please don’t cancel your plans because of me. I’m fine. Really.” I waved them off as I picked up my bag from the floor.  "I just need to get some sleep, okay?  Honestly."  

I knew Stone didn't believe me, and Ava looked at me with such compassion that it made me want to burst into tears. I had to get out of there. Away from them.  

"I'll see you both in the morning." My voice was a hoarse whisper as I shuffled down the hall, and made my way into the guest bedroom.  

Thankfully, neither of them tried to follow me. 

 


	22. Chapter 22

The show wasn’t for two days, so I had time to escape should I want to. Stone and Ava were super accommodating, but never pushy. I think they knew on some level how close I was to breaking, so they left me alone. They made sure I ate, made sure I had everything I needed, but never pushed me to do anything or join in with them as they went about their day. It was late-afternoon on the second-day, a few hours before the concert, when Chris stopped by. I met him in the living room after having been alerted by Ava that he was here to see me.

“Chris?” I started crying, and laughing as my cousin wrapped his arms around me. “I thought you were in Australia?”

“I was, but as soon as Stone told me you were coming, I came back early.” He set me down and looked me over. I could see that his eyes were roaming my face, looking for any trace of what had happened with James.

“It’s all gone. Just a bad memory.” I smiled up at him in reassurance.

“You know I’m gonna beat the shit out of that dude if I ever see him, right?”

“And I would love it if you did, but he’s being taken care of. Charges pressed, all of it.”

“We’ll leave you two so you can… _uh_ …talk,” Stone spoke from behind Chris. Something in his tone drew my eyes up to his. He quickly looked away, and he and Ava quietly made their way out of the house. **_What the fuck was going on?_  ** Confused, I looked back up at Chris.

“What’s that all about?”

“I think we need to sit down, okay?” Chris led me over to the couch and waited as I sat. Once I did, he produced a small packet of something from his jacket pocket, and handed it to me.

“What’s this?” I asked, nervously smiling as I turned the item over in my hand. I peeked inside, seeing that it was a stack of envelopes. _Letters._ I swallowed hard as I pulled one out.

It was addressed to me. _From Eddie._ My fingers started trembling as my hand shook. Letter after letter, from 1991 on, all from Eddie and addressed to me. None were ever sent.

“Chris?” I looked up at my cousin. I did not want to believe what my mind was telling me. No way would he do this to me, no way. 

“I was trying to protect you, Sammie. I swear. I thought I was doing the right thing.” Chris’s voice was shaky with his own nervousness.  I opened one and started reading.

 

**_Sammie,_ **

**_I love you. I’m so sorry. I just need you to tell me what to do. I’ll leave her, I won’t get married.  Just tell me what to do.  I want to come see you, but I have no idea where you are. I'd drive there if I could. The tour is keeping me busy, but I would drop it all for you.  Please write back..._**

 

My disbelief growing, I opened another letter and began reading...

 

**_I knew it would come sooner or later. Chris told me you had a boyfriend, that you’d moved on. I hope he makes you happy. I wish I could have made you happy. I thought I could. I’m still sorry._ **

  
And another…

 

**_I got married today. I wish it had been you. I felt like I owed it to Beth, to make things right after everything I’d done. Besides, you moved on.  You're done with me. I don’t blame you. I’d leave me too, especially after everything I did to you._ **

  
One more…

 

**_I don’t know if these letters are getting lost in the mail, or if you’re ignoring me. Probably that. I don’t blame you. It’s been what, 5 or 6 years now? I still miss you everyday. I still write music about you. I feel guilty cause I’m married now, and I’m trying to make it work, but she’s not you.  She'll never be you._**

**_She’s not you._ **

Letter after letter, I skimmed through them all.  There must have been 20 at least, all saying the same things: _he was sorry, he wanted to come to me, he regretted everything_.  He was waiting on me to tell him what to do.   _He was waiting on me._

I looked up, tears in my eyes as I stared at Chris. _How could he betray me like_ _this?  Lie to me like this?!_

“Why would you keep this from me?” I was so damn angry I started crying harder.

“I was stupid, and trying to do the right thing, which I thought was keeping you apart from him. He was no good for you Sammie.” Chris shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry.”

“I wasted 10 years of my life crying over him. 10 years of running around the world trying to escape him. **_10 years of bad relationships where I got the shit beat out of me, all because I thought Eddie didn’t want me_**.”  I stood up, needing to get away from Chris.  The letters were clutched against my chest. Chris also stood.

“Tell me how you pulled this off.” It was a demanding whisper. I was still in disbelief as I sank back down onto the couch.  I didn't know what to do -- _stand up? sit down?  run away?_  Chris also sat back down, this time a little farther away from me.

 

He wouldn't meet my eyes as he started talking. 

“When he asked to send the cards, I told him only if he gave them to me. Then I would forward them on to your mom. I didn’t want him to have your address. The first time was just a card. The second time, he wanted to send a letter. I told him I would send them both.” Chris looked down at his hands in his lap. “I only ever sent the cards, and that was after I read through them. Sometimes I would send the letters, but not if they were full of shit."   He looked up at me, a shameful glance as he admitted out loud what he'd done. 

“And then what?” I was shocked. _There was no damn way this was happening. No way._

“I told Eddie you’d moved on, that the letters were a waste of time. He insisted on sending them, so I kept on... _collecting them_.” Chris rubbed a hand through his hair, causing it to spike even more. “Look, Sammie, I’m sorry. I should have never done this, I know that now. That’s why I came.”

“You waited 10 years to tell me this?” I was so pissed, but I was more hurt than anything. _How could he do this to me? I still couldn't wrap my mind around such deceit. **Did Stone know?**_

“I figured you’d be happy by now, settled. Eddie would be a thing of the past, that he’d be settled.”

'Well I'm not settled, Chris! _He's not settled!_   None of us are fucking settled!!" I was screaming, no longer caring what I was saying or doing.  I threw the stack of letters at Chris's face.  "I can't fucking believe you would do this to me! **Not you!!"**

I stood up, as did Chris.  "Get the fuck out of here!" I angrily scooped up the fallen letters and threw them at him again.  He stood there, taking it all.  _ **"Get out!"**_

"Sammie, look, okay?" Chris held his hands up to settle me, but I was having none of it.  

"Get out and don't fucking come back." I walked over to the front door and opened it. I stood there, furiously crying as Chris came to stand before me. 

"I was trying to protect you, Sammie." 

"Well I don't need your goddamned protection! Just get out!" I screamed in his face.  Chris stared down at me for a few moments, and then finally took his leave.  I slammed the door behind him. 


	23. Chapter 23

  
The next day, I traveled with Ava to the show.  I had said nothing to Stone or Ava about Chris's visit;  I think I didn't want to know that Stone knew the entire time.  I couldn't deal with that deception on top of everything else.  I would just have to deal with it later.

Ava and I both had our passes on, safely secured around our necks, as we pulled into the small venue.  Even though I was shaking the entire time, I managed to get through the gate, and Ava and I found our seats. I quickly found out that they were way too close to the front, and I explained to Ava that I wouldn't be sitting up front. She nodded in understanding, and didn't try to dissuade me as I left the best seats for the worst.  I made a stranger's day that evening when I swapped my front row ticket for their general admission.  

That night, I sat all the way in the back.

I wanted to make sure Eddie wouldn’t see me, even though I knew it would be hard for him to see anyone in this place. The lights were bright, it was crowded. It was insane the amount of people that showed up for Pearl Jam.  When he first took the stage, I think I must have stopped breathing.  He was so different looking.  His hair was even shorter, his skin tanned from what I knew not.  He was thicker, filling out his simple jeans, button-down shirt, and denim jacket.  He was undeniably handsome, even more so than he was before. _How was that possible?_ I could only wonder what he looked like up close. Did he still have those freckles across his nose that you could barely see? That small mole on his left cheek, right below his eye?  I wondered if he ever laughed anymore... _he looked so somber up there, so alone._ When he started singing, I felt my throat constrict with pain.  It was as if I were back in Seattle, sitting on those stairs as I listened to him.  

Song after song, Eddie ripped my heart out.

One song in particular, that I’d not heard before, had me crying from start to finish.  

Eddie was seated, the only lights in the building those given off by the candles lit behind him. To his left was Mike, and to his right was Stone.  It was just him and his guitar, and his emotions laid bare.  Even though I knew he didn't know I was there, I felt like it was only me and him in the room, and he was singing just for me. _Only me._  I would swear I felt his eyes on me when he looked up. 

 

 

I started crying after the first sentence of the song.  I didn’t know what he was singing about, or who, but I couldn’t stop crying.  He was talking about missing someone, and longing for them, and I could feel the raw emotion in his voice.  The tears rolled freely down my cheeks as he sang;  I didn't bother to try and hide it. It was no use.  

 

 

 **_I have wished for so long_ **  
**_How I wish for you today._ **

I couldn't make it through the rest of the show.  With tears blinding me, I stumbled out of the main area, and made my way to the bathroom.   I locked myself in one of the stalls, and slid down the wall to the cold, tile floor. 

I would spend the next hour sitting in there, my back against a corner, crying my eyes out.  


	24. Chapter 24

I stood in the hallway, nervous as I decided what to do.   The concert was over, and I'd been run out of the bathroom by concert-goers needing to use it.  Many of them looked at me with concern, while other's looked at me as if I were a freak.  I didn't talk to any one;  I simply cleaned my face as best as possible, and headed back out into the hallway.  Knowing it was now or never, I pushed open the door to the backstage pass area. Jeff saw me first, as he was standing close by, talking to what I assumed were fans. I gave a weak smile, and his face lit up with recognition. He quickly excused himself and made his way over to me. Just like all the others, he scooped me up into his arms and and hugged me tight.

“God! Sammie! What are you doing here?” He set me down and looked me over. “You look good!”

“Thanks,” I smiled, nervously tucking some hair back under my hat. “Stone asked me to come. Said he was not doing good.” I looked around for Eddie, relieved — **_and sad_** — to not see him immediately.

“Yeah, he was really bad off in the beginning. Better now, I think, but he has his moments, you know? We all do. We’ve all changed since Seattle. Especially after the divorce and the festival.”

I placed my hand on Jeff’s forearm, wanting to console him but not knowing how.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know about that. Stone just told me. I’ve been trying to stay away from the news. I’m sorry, Jeff.”

“I know, I know. Nothing you could do. Nothing any of us could do. Just sucks pretty bad.” Jeff rubbed his bearded jaw. “Eddie took it really bad. He said we weren’t playing shows anymore, he started drinking too much. Stone says he was doing drugs. It was crazy. I feel like he’s getting better - _like we’re all getting better_ \- but he has these weird moments, days sometimes, where we can’t reach him. He goes off into _"Eddie-world"_ , and it’s hard to pull him back. I don’t know what’s going on in his head half the time anymore.”

I was so sad for all of them. I moved back into Jeff’s arms, and hugged him again. He rested his chin against my shoulder, and we just stood there for a few moments. It was odd to see Jeff so serious, so sober. _It was sad._

“Where is he? I think I should go see him.” I stepped back and wiped a hand over my face. I was doing my best to not cry. Not again; _not yet at least._

“I believe he escaped and went up to the roof. I’ve caught him doing that after a few shows. He says the crowds make him nervous. He goes up and smokes. Usually drinks. Does his thing.” Jeff adjusted his hat and looked over his shoulder.  Stone, catching sight of us, nodded his head up at the ceiling.  Jeff turned back to me. “Yeah, the roof is probably where you’ll find him. If not, just come back down here.”

“Okay.” I adjusted my beanie, and my purse, and made my way out to the fire exit. The sign on the door read  **'STAIRS';** I shivered when I opened the door. It was much, much colder in the stairwell, and I wondered what the hell Eddie was thinking sitting up on the roof in this weather. **He made no damn sense.**

Once I reached the top, two floors later, I opened the door and stepped out on the roof. A blast of icy air hit me, and I pulled my jacket up around my neck to ward it off. In the distance, maybe 15 or 20 feet away, I saw him. He was sitting down, his back against the concrete roof ledge. I could see the red dot indicating he was smoking, and it looked like he had a bottle of wine cradled his lap.

“Eddie?” My voice was timid, too quiet. He looked up, the cigarette held between his fingers as he focused on me. I blinked rapidly, not sure if it was the biting wind - _or seeing him for the first time in 10 years_ \- that had me nearly crying.

He ground out the cigarette on the concrete beside him before standing. He held the bottle of wine by the neck; it dangled at his side awkwardly.

“What’s going on?” His voice was deep, deeper than I remembered it being.  It was also wary, cautious as he stared back at me. 

“Stone…uh…Stone asked me to come.” I stepped forward, unsure of what to do or what to say. “How are you?”

Eddie gave a humorless chuckle as he looked off in the distance. “I’m fucking great. You?”

“I’m serious, Eddie. How are you?” I stepped closer. Close enough to see how short his hair was.  All those curls, all gone. _It made me even sadder._

“I don’t know how I am, Sammie. I’m fucking miserable. I hate myself. I hate this life. I hate the band.” He looked up, his mouth set in a angry line, his blue eyes flashing in the dim light. _“I hate you for never talking to me again.”_

That was completely unexpected, and to say I was taken aback was an understatement. _I felt like he’d punched me in the stomach._  I started getting pissed. Downright furious.

“I’m sorry, don’t you remember who fucked this up?” I pointed at him, jabbing a finger at his chest. “It was you, Eddie! You fucked us up, not me!”

“And I tried to fix us! For 10 fucking years, I tried! I begged and pleaded and died a million times over, but you couldn’t even bother to call me back? To write me? **_To tell me to fuck off, I’m done, Vedder?_** Didn’t you get all my letters and stuff?” He had stepped closer, and was now mere inches away. I could smell his cologne, his body wash, that smell that was uniquely Eddie. I dropped my head to my chest.

“I got some of them, not all.”

“What? What does that mean?” Eddie was confused.

“It means that Chris kept a lot of them from me. He went through them, and the ones that he thought were no good, he kept them. He only sent me the ' _safe_ ' ones.” I put my fingers up in air quotes for emphasis.

“He told me he would make sure they were sent to you.” Eddie stumbled back and sat down again, his back pressed against the ledge. I walked over and sat next to him, but not close enough to touch. “He said you were traveling, and that you had a boyfriend, and that you were getting married. I married her because Chris said you were done with me. _Holy fucking shit_.”

“I know. All these years wasted.” I wiped at my cheeks. Yep, I was fucking crying. _As usual._

“Did you get married?” Eddie's eyes darted over to me.

“No. The only person I had a long-term relationship with was this last guy, but that’s over.”

“The one that hit you?” I could hear the rising anger in Eddie’s voice.

“Yep. He found my box of cards from you. The letter you sent for my birthday is what kicked it off.” I tugged at my gloves, pulling them tighter to ward off the chill.

“Another thing I fucked up, huh?” Eddie dropped his head back against the wall. “Sorry won’t cut it, I know that. What can I do, Sammie? Short of killing him.”

“Get in line,” I chuckled sadly.

“I feel like killing Chris too, not gonna lie.”  Eddie took a long drink from the bottle of wine. 

“I already threatened him, Eddie. He knows what he did was so wrong. He had good intentions, but still.” I turned to Eddie, searching his face. “Did you ever love me? Like truly, or was it some stupid fling thing?”

“Are you serious? I’ve loved you ever since the day you came down those stairs. I’ve loved you every day since then. I told you so in each of my letters.” Eddie’s voice was cracking with emotion. Made me cry harder.

“Then why didn’t you come for me? **_Why did you wait so long?”_**

“Because I fucked up and lied about Beth. Because you never returned my phone calls. Because you never answered my letters. Because Chris said you moved on and was happy. He said you were getting married!” Eddie stood up, pacing angrily.  He threw his bottle of wine down on the ground, smashing it into pieces. I started crying even harder.

 **“God fucking damn him!”** Eddie walked over to the door, and slammed his fist into it, once, twice, three times. Each time he hit the wall, I could hear the sickening crunch of skin and bone against concrete. **“Fuck!** ” Eddie hit the wall again.

“Please stop,” I stood up, watching him through watery eyes.  I held up my gloved hand to stop him from hurting himself any further.  “Please, Eddie. Just stop.”

Eddie turned to look at me, mouth open, and his chest heaving angrily as he shook his fist to ease the pain. I walked over to him, and without an invitation, wrapped my arms around him. I pressed my face against his chest as another wave of tears hit me. I nearly sobbed in relief when I felt his arms come around me, enveloping me in his warmth.  He was shaking, I could feel him against me as he trembled in my arms.

“Let’s just stop, okay?” I cried against his chest. “Please. _Just stop_.”

“Sammie, I love you. I have nothing left. Not a fuckin' thing.  I’m sorry, and I love you.” Eddie kissed the top of my head. I leaned back and looked up at him, smiling through my tears.

“I love you, too.” I reached up and tugged at his jacket to pull him down. “Kiss me.”

Eddie gave me a small smile as he pressed his lips to mine. I sighed into him, feeling like I was right where I was supposed to be. Eddie cupped my cheeks, warming them with his hands as he kissed me.

“I love you, Sammie. I’m gonna fix all this shit, and make it all up to you.” His lips moved against mine in a soft caress. I could feel his fingers as they splayed up towards my temple.

“I’m freezing.” I giggled against his lips. 

With another kiss, Eddie released me and together we walked back to the stairwell door. I followed him inside. As soon as the door closed, he had his arms wrapped around me again. One of his hands reached up and pulled his hat off; he stuffed it in his jacket pocket.

“Why did you cut off your hair?” I pouted as I reached up and ran a hand over his head. “I miss it.” Eddie laughed against my cheek.

“I’ll grow it back if you like.” He moved his head against my hand, clearly enjoying the feeling of my fingernails scratching against his scalp. He pulled back to stare down at me; I was relieved to see the light back in his blue eyes.

“What do we do now?”

“We go somewhere to talk.” I pulled out of his arms. “I’m still super pissed at you, and you know why.”

“I know. I don’t blame you, but I’ll do whatever it takes.” He reached for me again; I didn’t fight back, and let him pull me into his chest again. His lips found mine in a sweet, gentle kiss,  and I kissed him back, lingering as I reacquainted myself with him. It had been so long, and I honestly never thought I’d be here again. Still, we had lots of stuff to work through before we went any further. Again, I pulled out of his arms.

“Last kiss until we talk, okay?” I crossed my arms over my chest. Eddie scrunched up his lips in displeasure, but made no move to reach for me again. I stared back at him. “Let’s go downstairs. I wanna see the guys.”

“How long are you gonna make me wait?” Eddie asked, one brow arched.   I could hear the frustration in his voice, and it pissed me off to no end. Still, I tried to remain calm.  Arguing would get us nowhere. 

“I don’t know, Eddie. I’m happy to see you, but there’s so much stuff we have to talk about. Let’s not put any timeframes on anything, okay?” I rubbed my hands up and down my arms. Eddie shoved his hands in his pockets. I could feel the distance growing between us, just like that. And, just like that, I could feel my anger resurfacing.  And like a child, I blindly lashed out. 

“You didn't just expect me to come back, and forgive and forget, did you?” My tone was super sarcastic, but I didn’t care. _He had a lot of damn nerve!_

“Well, when you love someone like you say you do, you forgive them.” Eddie pulled his hands from his pockets, and crossed his arms over his chest as well.  There was this huge impasse between us, and we each took our positions on opposite sides.  

“Look, I’m not doing this here!” I spat, infuriated at his attitude towards everything. “I’m going downstairs to talk with everyone. You can come or not. I don’t care.” With that, I turned, and left Eddie standing in the cold corridor.

I really didn’t care at that moment if he followed me or not.


	25. Chapter 25

 

  

Once I got back downstairs, I was relieved to see that most everyone had cleared out, save for a few lingering fans. Stone was sitting on the couch, drinking a beer. He smiled when he saw me, and I made a beeline for him.

“You saw him?” He asked as he gave me a quick hug.

“Yep. We’re already fighting.” I sat back against the couch, my foot tapping angrily.

“ _Damn!_ About what?” Stone handed me a beer. I drank from it, my lips still pursed in annoyance. The door opened, and Eddie walked in. His angry blue eyes caught mine before he headed into the bathroom. The door slammed behind him.  My eyes narrowed after him -- _fucking asshole._

“Everything. Nothing. I don’t know.” I took another drink as I glared at the bathroom door. I hope he could feel how pissed I was. He had no right to expect me to just jump on him the moment I saw him. We had so much unresolved shit to work through!

I sat in silence, barely hearing Stone, when Eddie reappeared.  His eyes met mine again.

I lifted a brow, pursing my lips at him.  Eddie shook his head, his own lips screwed up in displeasure, and then he was gone again; he disappeared behind some other door.

“Asshole,” I muttered under my breath.

“Did I make a huge mistake?” Stone asked, finally drawing my attention back to him.

“Everything is a mistake, Stone. He’s a mistake, I’m a mistake. _Our lives are a fucking mistake_.” I took another long drink of my beer. I was so fucking agitated.

“So tell me about things, then. Forget him for a while. How’s work?” Stone turned to me. He smiled encouragement.

I proceeded to tell him about my job at a local college. How I taught undergrad courses for the University of North Texas in International Studies, and that I volunteered for a local 501c that provided humanitarian missions as needed. I told him how I’d spent the majority of my education overseas, that I now could speak German fluently. I was getting rusty though, due to not having been there for so long. That led to a discussion about James, how we met, how we started dating...and finally what happened _that night._

“So he opened the letter, I guess?”

“Yeah. He opened the letter, and I guess he was snooping for more, and found my box with the others.” I turned the bottle around in my hands.

“Is that the only time he’s ever hit you?” Stone gently asked.

“No. I mean, yes. I don’t know what you’d call it. He’s been rough before, but nothing like that.” I absentmindedly touched my cheek. “I never thought he would go that far, you know?”

Stone wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his side.

“I’m sorry, Sammie.”

“You knew about me and Eddie, right?” I looked at Stone. “You knew about us, and you also knew about Beth. Why didn’t you tell me?” I couldn’t keep the accusatory tone out of my voice. I tried, but I couldn’t.

“I wanted to, but I didn’t think stuff with you and Eddie would go that quick. I’ve never seen him like that. I told Chris, Chris said he would handle it" -- _Stone pressed a hand to his chest_ —“but I swear to God, I didn’t know he was going to bust you guys like that. I totally didn’t agree with that.”

I sat back against the couch again. I was trying to digest all of this info, trying to not be pissed at Eddie, at Chris - _ **at Stone!!** _ — but I was so damn mad. They were all making decisions for me, and I was beyond sick of it. _How fucking old did I need to be to decide what the hell I wanted to do?_

“Wanna get out of here?  We can go back to my place, Ava is out of town, so it’ll just be us. We can have a few beers, watch some TV...not talk about Eddie?” Stone gave a sly grin as he bumped me in the shoulder.  

I felt my lips quirking up at the corner - I could never stay mad at Stone...


	26. Chapter 26

My watch read almost 3am.

I sat up, disoriented, until I figured out I was at Stone’s apartment. I drank too much, I realized that now as the room spun before my eyes. I pressed my fingers against my temples, trying to dull the ache that had started to throb there.  And to top it off, someone was banging on the door; I winced at the unwelcome noise.   _Where the hell was Stone?_ As I crawled off the couch, I realized Stone was making his way to the front door.

He peeked through the peephole, and turned around to face me.  

“It’s Eddie. He’s fucked up, I can tell.” Stone wearily ran a hand through his hair. I pulled the blanket around my shoulders a little tighter.

“What should we do?”

_“Sammie! I know you’re in there!”_ More pounding as Eddie banged on the door. “Open the door. **OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!** ” More pounding, then a loud crash that had me jumping. Stone peeked out the peephole again, an annoyed sigh escaping his lips. 

“He just fell down.” He turned back to me. “We can’t leave him out there. He’ll freeze.”

“Well I don’t want him in here,” I lifted my chin stubbornly. Stone rolled his eyes at me.

“You’re full of shit, just like him.” He unlocked the door. “I’ll drag him in, make him sleep on the couch. You can take the spare bedroom.”

I was pissed.  And sad.   _And really, really pissed that I was sad._   I quickly made my way down the hall and locked myself in the spare bedroom, although my ear was pressed against the door.

_“Sammie!”_ Eddie yelled again. I closed my eyes to ward off tears.  He was so damn drunk. I wondered how he’d gotten here? I felt my heart lurch a little when I thought about him driving over here, drunk as hell. He could have gotten in a wreck.. _.or worse._ I shuddered at the thought.

I heard something crash again, and unable to help myself, pulled the door open and made my way back into the living room.  Eddie had fallen on the small side table, breaking it nearly in half as it's legs folded underneath his weight. He was now laying on his back, and I could see that his shirt was torn from the fall.  He would have a nasty scratch, and probably a bruise, over his ribs in the morning. _Idiot._

“Is he alright?” I whispered to Stone. I didn’t want Eddie to know I was here.  Stone shook his head, shrugging his shoulders helplessly, as he tried to lift Eddie up and place him on the couch.  Eddie was nearly dead weight, and Stone almost dropped him; I stepped in just in time to get an arm under Eddie. His eyes fluttered open, just barely focusing on me, and his face broke out in a smile.

“I fuckin’ knewww you were here, Sam-an-tha,” Eddie slurred out with a giggle.  His head wobbled on his neck as we deposited him on the couch.

“Go to sleep, Ed,” Stone ordered as he tossed a blanket over his friend.  Eddie childishly kicked it off.

“Fu..fu-ck you, Gossa—ard. Don’t tell me what—” Eddie’s words were cut off as he proceeded to throw up all over the couch.  I covered my mouth in disgust;  Stone started gagging, Eddie fell to his knees in front of the couch as he continued retching.  I did the only thing I could think of, and reached down and patted Eddie’s back.  Luckily, I managed to drag the blanket under him, and most of the vomit landed on that.  Finished, Eddie fell back on the floor, his hands roaming over his chest as he groaned in a agony.

“Okay, I can’t deal with this shit. I’ll throw up.” Stone stepped back, one hand over his mouth. “I’m sorry, Sammie, but he is _your_ problem. Deal with him please.”

**_“Stone!!”_** I hissed at his retreating back, but Stone had already disappeared into his room. _Motherfucker._ I turned back to Eddie.

_Stupid idiot._ He was laying there in a pool of his own vomit, grinning up at the ceiling. I knew I needed to either get him in the shower, or leave him here to sleep in his throw-up. And although I wanted to, my conscience wouldn’t let me do the latter...

“Eddie?” I leaned over him, my nose scrunching up as he breathed into my face.

“Sammie? I think you should kiss me, and we make up.” He reached for me, but I moved out of his grasp.

“Ugh, no. I don’t think so. You’re laying in throw-up, Eddie. You need to get up and get in the shower.” I tugged at his hands, trying to drag him. Eddie tried to pull me back down, but this time I tugged harder. ** _“Get your ass up, Eddie!”_**

He rolled over to his knees, and finally stood, albeit wobbly. I cringed as I placed my hand against his stomach; I could feel the disgustingly wet, warm liquid touching my hands, and I did my best not to gag. Fucking gross. We made our way down the hall to the bathroom, and once there, I helped Eddie strip. He attempted to pull me in the shower with him, but after much arguing - _**well, him whining, me cussing him out**_ — he finally managed to to get in the shower and get cleaned up. I did my best to not look at him, but it was hard. I missed him so much. The rational part of me knew I needed to leave, and so I did. I went down the hall and barged in Stone’s room to get some clothes for Eddie to wear.

“This is such bullshit,” I grumbled as I dug through Stone’s drawers for clothes, slamming things around and knocking stuff off his dresser. I wasn’t even trying to be quiet. I was so fucking pissed off, and Stone was going to suffer just as much as I did.  Much to my annoyance, Stone just pulled a pillow over his head, and proceeded to ignore me. Worried that Eddie might slip and fall down again, I forewent my plan to make Stone pay, and made my way back down the hall with the clothes.

“Eddie?” I peeked around the door. My breath caught.  Eddie was standing before the mirror, looking much better with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. He turned, giving me a dimpled smile. I felt my traitorous heart leap in my chest. _Damn him._

“Here.” I handed him the clothes through the small opening, and turned around to leave, but before I could get out of reach, Eddie had pulled me into the bathroom. He shut the door behind me as he pressed me up against it, one hand on either side of my head.

“I brushed my teeth.”

“I don’t care.” I turned my head to the side, doing my best to not look at him. He was dangerous. _This was dangerous._ “I want to leave.”

“Do you really?” Eddie leaned down, pressing his lips at the bast of my throat. I couldn’t hide the traitorous moan that made it’s way past my lips;  my heart and body yearned for him, even as my brain screamed for me to stop.   **This was so wrong.**

“I don’t want to do this, Eddie,” I protested, even as my hands made their way up into his short hair and held him to me.

“I kinda think you do,” Eddie murmured as he kissed along my collarbone.  Doing my best to keep my wits about me, I pushed at his shoulders, forcing him away from me. His blues eyes met my brown ones, the first time in many, many years that we’d just looked at each other.   _I knew in that moment that I not only still loved him, but I probably hated him just as much._

If we slept together now, I knew that nothing would ever be right.  We had too much shit to deal with before we involved the physical stuff just yet. I knew that.  I think Eddie knew that, somewhere in his brain. 

"Please, Eddie. I can’t do this, okay? Not like this.” I blinked a few times as my chin began trembling.  Seeing the emotion coursing through me, Eddie’s face immediately softened, and he pulled me into his chest, his arms wrapped around me as he held me.

“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Sammie. I’m so stupid.” His hand stroked the back of my head. “I’m still buzzed, not thinking straight. I didn’t mean to push you like that.”

“I need to go lay down.”  I pulled out of his arms and made my way down the hall to the spare bedroom. I crawled on the bed and burrowed back under the blankets, emotionless and numb.  Too much had happened in too short of a time, and I was exhausted.   I wanted to cry. I wanted to fight. I wanted him to make love to me. _... **I wanted him to never touch me again.**_  

I wanted it all.  

A few moments later, I felt the bed dip as Eddie sat down, and once again, his hand was stroking my hair.

“I’m sorry, Sammie. I swear to god, I never meant to hurt you. Not then, not now.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss against my temple. “I love you more than you’ll ever know, and I am so fuckin’ sorry.” He kissed me again, and stood up.  

“Stay with me, please? I don’t wanna be alone.” I was whispering, doing my best to hold back tears. Without a word, Eddie crawled in beside me, and just like all those years ago, he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me as he held me tightly to his chest.  

And, just like all those years ago, we fit together like two pieces of a fucked up puzzle.


	27. Chapter 27

 

 

**Eddie's Journal, November 23rd, 2000**

I am so fucking stupid. I went to Stone’s house to see her. I knew I shouldn’t have, but the alcohol and weed said otherwise. I was so fucking high, I can barely remember any of it. I know I’m the one that threw up though. I fucking threw up all over the damn place. How damn gross. I hope Stone likes the new couch I’m gonna buy him, cause shit ain’t coming clean. I scrubbed for way too long this morning, and almost threw up again.  It's almost Thanksgiving, so maybe I can spend it with her. 

She is still pissed at me. I knew she would be. I don’t know what I was expecting from her. She’s more beautiful today than she was back then. Seems impossible but she is. I’m fucking pissed at Chris.  **FUCK.** Pissed is not even close to what I’m feeling right now. We wasted so many fucking years over this shit, and now what? I’m divorced. Sammie hates me. I don’t know what to fucking do.  I'm gonna talk to Chris, I know that. Man to man, we're gonna talk about this shit. 

 

 

I watched her sleeping this morning. I swear she smiled when I touched her face. I wanted to kiss her, but I knew she’d be pissed.  Still, I know she smiled. I think she still loves me. She asked me to stay with her last night, I remember that. I held her all night. I didn’t want to sleep - I tried not to fall asleep - but I think that was the best sleep I’ve had in years. She’s good for me. I wish she knew that it was more than me just loving her. She’s good for me. Like air or water, I need her to live. I need her, MORE THAN SHE KNOWS

**MORE THAN SHE KNOWS?**

Loving her

Loving her the way I do  
There’s nothing I can do about it  
And when she gives me a little love back  
And ~~her~~ the little love I get back  
I can’t live without it.

I cry when she says goodbye  
~~I’ll cry if she says goodbye~~  
If she gets tired and says goodbye I’ll cry


	28. Chapter 28

  
I woke up the next morning, alone. Eddie was gone, and I didn’t know what I was feeling about that. Sad? Happy? Disappointed? _Abandoned?_

_Probably all of the above._

I sighed as I crawled out of bed and got dressed for the day. As I brushed my teeth, I peeked out the window. It was gloomy today, 2 days before Thanksgiving. I spit my toothpaste out and rinsed out the sink. I needed to go the grocery store and buy the stuff to make dinner. Turkey, stuffing, rolls, I mentally ticked things off in my head as I pulled my socks on. Stone said he liked pumpkin pie, but sweet potato was his favorite. _I wondered what Eddie’s favorite pie was?_

 _“Stop it,”_ I chided myself as I rolled on some deodorant. Eddie was probably hungover somewhere. _Who the hell knew?_ I reached for my brush, and as I did so, a scrap of paper fell down to the ground. I picked it up and opened it. I knew that handwriting.

**It’s almost Thanksgiving, and I wanted to tell you how thankful I am for you.**

**I WILL BE BACK, WHETHER YOU WANT ME TO OR NOT.**

**EV**

Unable to help myself, I smiled as I held the scrap of paper against my chest. I missed this. _I missed him._ I tucked the paper inside my pocket, and headed down to the living room. I needed to survey the damage, and try to clean it up as best as I could before we went to the store.

Stone was in the kitchen, sitting at the bar, eating from a bowl of cereal. He was already dressed, and ready to go.

“Good morning.” He took another bite of his cereal. “ ‘Bout time you woke up.”

I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Yeah, thanks for all your help last night.” I put my hands on my hips and looked around. “Where is he?”

Stone shrugged. “Dunno. He was gone before I got up. He took the couch outside, cleaned up the mess, too.”

“Really?” I walked over to the living room, and sure enough, the couch was gone. I peeked out the window and saw it sitting on the curb.   _Huh._   I turned back around. Stone was right, all the evidence of last night’s excitement was gone, to include the couch that now sat out on the curb.

“Yep. He left a note, telling me he’s gonna buy me a new couch.” Stone tilted his bowl up as he drank the milk that remained. “Did he stay with you?”

“Yeah.” I hopped up on a stool. “He was gone before I woke up, too.”

“Well?” Stone asked.

“Well, what?”

“Did you settle anything? Talk about anything? _Do anything?_ ” Stone waggled his eyebrows at me. I glared back.

“Yep. We had mad sex all over the house, to include this countertop.” I ran my hands over said countertop for emphasis. Stone’s lips flattened in displeasure. 

“That’s pretty damn gross, okay?” He stood up and carried his bowl to the sink. “It’s Thanksgiving. Ava will be here tonight.  I don’t want any fighting, okay? So that’s why I’m asking, did you guys work anything out?” He turned back to me, arms crossed over his chest.  He was all serious now. 

“No. Eddie was too drunk. He did stay with me for a while, but we fell asleep.” I slid off the stool. “I'll make sure there isn't any fighting. I just don’t really wanna talk about it right now, okay?” I zipped up my hoodie. Stone walked over to me and stood before me.

“You still care about him, I know that much. He wouldn’t bother you so much if you didn’t.  And I know that he still loves you.” Stone placed his hands on my shoulders. “You just gotta figure it out, okay?”

“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled as I moved out of his reach. “When are you gonna ask Ava to marry you again?” I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. I giggled as he shuffled uncomfortably on his feet.

“I knew she was gonna tell you.” Stone grouched as he pulled his jacket on, and then jerked his keys off the wall. I walked over and patted his arm as if I would a child that needed comforting.

“Well, maybe next time you should do it the right way, you know? _Like with a ring, and probably not drunk?_ I dunno.” I laughed as I walked out the door behind Stone.  He turned around, giving me a pointed look;  I sobered up as best as I could.  

 

 


	29. Chapter 29

We made it back to Stone’s a few hours later. It was a nightmare in Seattle that day, and Stone swore on his life -   ** _and mine_ ** \- that, one, he was never going shopping with me again, and, two, he was never going shopping the day before Thanksgiving. _Ever, ever again._

“God damn it!” Stone grouched as the carton of eggs fell to the ground. Now it was raining, just adding to his misery.  I personally thought it was funny, but I did my best to hide it from him;  I knew my humor wouldn’t be well-received at the moment. We finally managed to get all the groceries inside, and I started setting things out in preparation. Stone stood awkwardly off to the side, hands in pockets.

“What?” I asked him.

“What should I do?”

“You can leave, cause I know that’s what you want to do.” I smiled at him, relieved when he smiled back. Stone could be such a… _man_ …when he wanted to be.

“I’ll be in the living room, watching tv, if you need me.”

“I won’t.” I turned back to the big-ass turkey that Stone had decided we needed. I had no idea if it would even fit in the stove. Half of the stuff, I could make tonight, the rest, I could cook tomorrow. I grabbed the potatoes and started peeling…

* * *

 

It was late that evening, and I’d just showered, and crawled into bed when I heard the knock at my door. Thinking it was Stone, I hollered for him to come in. No answer came. Frustrated, I climbed off the bed and walked to the door, and opened it.

Eddie was standing there, a familiar white bag in one hand, and a bouquet of mismatched flowers in the other.  One side of his mouth quirked up in a shy smile.

“Hi.”

“Eddie?” I asked, confused at what was going on. He held the hand that contained the flowers.  I stared up at him, wondering what was going on... 

“Wait!” He shook his head. “I haven’t introduced myself yet.”

I continued staring at him, still confused, but feeling my heart soften a bit at his gesture. He was trying to fix things. The big idiot. The chocolate, the flowers, the late night visit... _He was trying to fix us._

__

Eddie started talking, although his words were not confident -  not in the least. He looked downright uncomfortable.   _I thought it was adorable._

“So, I’m Eddie. Eddie Vedder. I am in a band, and I like to drink cheap beer and even cheaper wine. I like to write songs, and just write really. Uhmm…” he tilted his head up at the ceiling, deep in thought. “What else? Oh yeah, I like the beach, and I like to surf.” He looked back down at me. “Oh. What’s your name?”

I started giggling, so I covered my mouth with my hand. Eddie bit his lip to keep from laughing, but his smile won out, dimples and all.   _He could always weaken my knees with that smile..._

 

He handed me the flowers first, and then the bag that I knew contained Fran’s chocolates. I took both, and held them to my chest.  His smile grew.  

“My name is Sammie. I just turned 28 a few days ago. I’m a adjunct professor in my spare time. I like to travel the world, and really just wanna save the world.” I shook the bag of chocolates. “Oh, and I love these chocolates.” I smiled at him, and he smiled back.  I couldn't help but think how much I loved how the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, and the way his nose bunched up when he really smiled.  When he was really happy, you could tell. 

“What’s going on, Eddie?” I asked as I opened the door wider, inviting him in. He walked in, hands shoved in pockets, and looked around the room. He turned back to me.

“I want to start over. _I wanted to start over._ So I tried to recreate Chris’s house.” He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. I could tell he was embarrassed. “It’s stupid, I know. I just wanted to…I don’t know,” — he looked up at me, and then looked back down — “I just want to fix things, you know?”

I felt my heart soften a little more towards him, felt the ice melting, and unable to help myself, I stepped forward. I moved the flowers to my other hand, freeing myself so that I could touch him. He flinched when I pressed my palm against his stubbled cheek, and again, his blue eyes darted up to meet mine. He was so wary, so skittish. It was sad and comical, all at the same time.

“I still love you, Eddie.”

His blue eyes popped open, wide with shock. I nodded at him.

“I do. I never stopped, even after all that stuff happened.” I stroked his jaw. He moved forward until we were mere inches apart, and my hand fell from his jaw to land on the center of his chest. I played with the buttons that ran up the middle of his shirt.  Both of us had started breathing heavier. 

“You do?” He moved so that his mouth was pressed against my forehead, and I closed my eyes in contentment.

“God help me, but yeah. Yeah, I do.” I turned my head, rubbing my forehead and nose and cheeks against his. I just wanted to feel him. He reached down and pulled my mouth up to his, his fingers at my chin as he tugged me upwards. 

“I love you, too,” he murmured against my lips. “More than you’ll ever know.”

He kissed me.

With one hand at my lower back to pull me to him, and the other, fingers splayed across my jaw for control, he kissed me.  It had been so long, _so damn long_. I moaned into his mouth as he drove me back towards the bed. I dropped the flowers, and the chocolates soon followed as my need to touch him won out. My hands found their way to his hair, pulling at him as he continued kissing me. Eddie reached down and tugged at my shirt, attempting to pull it up over my head. It was only when the back of my knees hit the bed, that I hesitated. Reality crashed back down around me.

“Eddie,” I pulled my mouth away from his and turned my head to the side. He continued kissing me, his lips moving along my jaw line and up to my neck. I pushed at his shoulders. “Eddie, stop please.”

With a sigh, Eddie pulled back. I could see in his eyes the turmoil that was going on inside him, and for a moment, I wavered. I knew that I wanted him, knew that he wanted me…but I also knew that we still hadn’t worked through anything. _Making love now would just clutter it all up._

“What do you want me to do, Sammie?” Eddie rested his hands at my hips.  His jaw tensely flexed as he waited for my answer. 

“I’m just not ready. I mean, I am — _I want you_ — but I’m afraid, Eddie.” I turned my head to the side to hide the tears that were building in the corners of my eyes. “You hurt me really bad, you know?” It came out as a timid whisper.  I didn't want to bring it up, didn't want to go through it again, but it was always there. Always waiting to rear it's ugly head. 

Eddie pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me as he kissed me on my forehead.

“I know, sweetheart. And I’ll never forgive myself.” He kissed me again before he leaned back to stare down at me. “Do you want me to leave?”

I shook my head, unable to find words.  Eddie reached up and wiped a tear off my cheek with his thumb.

"I hate myself for making you cry."  His voice was gruff as he wiped away another tear.  "I fucking hate it."  

"If I asked you to just stay with me, would you?"  I blinked back more tears.  

"I'd be the happiest man in the world if you let me stay with you." Eddie rubbed the pad of his thumb over my lower lip.  "I'll do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to get you to love me again."  

Just like the night before, we slept together.  Only this time, Eddie was completely sober, and I wasn't as aggravated.  He held me to him, my head resting against his chest as he played with my hair, and I finally fell asleep to the sound of his steadily beating heart under my ear.  

 


	30. Chapter 30

The next day, I rolled over...and Eddie was once again gone.  I should be used to it by now, but it still kinda stung. I rubbed the spot where he laid last night, feeling the coolness;  he must have been gone for a while. I sat up, stretching as I remembered it was Thanksgiving Day, and I needed to get the turkey in the oven. I quickly dressed and made my way down the hall to the kitchen.

The smell hit me before I rounded the corner, and saw them. I stopped dead in my tracks to watch.

Eddie and Stone were trying to get the turkey in the oven, but it was obviously — **_as I told Stone yesterday!!_ ** — too big for the damn oven! So, Eddie was holding the big ass turkey in a big ass aluminum foil pan in his hands, while Stone was trying to rearrange the grates. I covered my mouth to stifle my giggle. _What a sight they were!_   Eddie - the gorgeous asshole - was shirtless, and Stone actually had a damn apron wrapped around his waist.

“You gotta fucking hurry up, man! This shit’s heavy!” Eddie shifted the pan with the huge-ass turkey in his arms, using his knee to balance it.  

“Maybe we should have done this before you picked up the damn turkey!” Stone grouched as he reached for the grate. ** _“Goddamnit!”_** He dropped the grate, and immediately stuck his fingers in his mouth to cool the burn.

I couldn’t hold my laughter in, and both men turned to look at me.  Eddie smiled at me, Stone did not. I laughed harder.

“I don’t know, maybe you could come help, instead of standing there laughing?” Stone walked over to the sink and put his hand under the cold water.

“Or maybe you could wait till I got up to start? I told you I was cooking.” I grabbed a potholder and rearranged the grates, making just enough room to put the turkey in. Eddie slid it in, and closed the oven door.

“We wanted to let you sleep.” Eddie gave me a lopsided smile. I started blushing. It was all so different in the bright light of the kitchen, and I found it hard to maintain eye contact with him. I turned to Stone.

“What time is Ava getting in?” I needed to take my focus off of Eddie. He was too distracting, especially with his shirt off.

“In about half an hour, I’m gonna take off.” Stone looked at his watch. “Jeff and his new girlfriend will be here around 3. Don’t know about Mike and Matt.”

“Cool,” I murmured as I moved past Eddie. I pulled out the stuff to make the pies and set it out on the contertop. I nearly bumped into Eddie as he moved to stand next to me. It was disconcerting, to say the least.

“What can I do?” Eddie asked from his position at my right.

“You can start by putting a shirt on.” I thought that I meant it as a joke — ** _I mean, I wanted it to be a joke!_ ** — but it came out more as an angry demand, and I immediately felt guilty for being so harsh. I turned to Eddie to apologize, but he just smiled and waved me off.

“Gotcha,” he winked as he pulled his shirt back on. “I got hot. Sorry.”

“So….” Stone called from his position at the sink. We both turned to look at him, and I felt my cheeks heat again with embarrassment. I’d obviously forgotten he was standing there, watching the interaction between Eddie and me.

“I’m gonna go go ahead and head out. It’s looking pretty bad out. I know it’s gonna take me at least an hour to get there, and who knows if the flight will be on time with this weather.” Stone tossed another oven mitt on the countertop. “For real though - are you guys gonna kill each other while I’m gone, or do I need to take somebody with me?”

I snorted with laugher; Eddie glared at Stone.

 _“Bye, Stone_.” Eddie grabbed a bottle of water and took a drink, ignoring Stone. 

“Yeah, I think we’re good. We won’t burn your house down.” I smiled at him, doing my best to hide my nervousness at being left alone with Eddie for at least two hours, but maybe more.  My palms were sweaty, and it had nothing to do with the heat in the kitchen. Flustered, I busied myself with arranging the pies.

“Alright, we’ll be back soon.” Stone grabbed his keys off the counter and headed for the door. The sound of the door clicking shut was loud, even all the way over here in the kitchen.

 _Me dropping a plate of cut apples was even louder._ **I was so damn nervous!**

I quickly knelt down and started scooping up the apples. My damn hands were shaking as I did so.

“Please calm down, okay?” Eddie’s hands covered mine, holding them still. I felt this overwhelming urge to cry, and I had no idea why. With one hand, Eddie’s fingers rubbed against mine, while the other he used to pick up the apples.

“Do you want me to go somewhere till they get back?” He stood up, pulling me with him, but he didn’t release my hand. He set the plate of apples on the countertop. “I will, if that’s what you want.”

I stared at his chest; I still couldn’t meet his eyes.

“No. I’m being stupid, I know.” 

“You’re not stupid, Sammie.” Eddie reached out and pushed some hair back behind my ear. “It’s weird, and it’s awkward, and I get it.”

I looked up at him, and he nodded in reassurance.

“I’m not stupid, babe. I get it, okay?” Eddie squeezed my hand before releasing it. He turned back to the apples and sighed, his hands on his hips. “So, I have no idea how to make a fuckin’ pie. I’m just letting you know that now before we get too deep into this.” He turned back to me, one eyebrow arched.  He was completely serious. 

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. I laughed, and Eddie laughed with me.

Then, we made a damn pie.

_And, we didn't burn the house down._

**It was a start.**

 


	31. Chapter 31

“So, basically you just pour it in, and bake it.  No biggie.” I poured the pumpkin pie mixture into the pie crust.

“That looks fuckin’ amazing, babe,” Eddie smiled as he watched from the other side of the small island. “I bet it tastes good, too.”

“We’ll see,” I murmured as I placed the pie in the oven. The turkey was still cooking, but it shouldn’t be much longer.  Stone had called earlier, saying that Ava's flight was a little delayed, so he had no idea what time they would be home.  Most everything was cooked, save for the turkey, and this last pie.  Eddie and I had been getting on good for the most part; no heavy discussions, and we'd actually laughed quite a few times. It had been a good day so far.

I wiped at my nose with the back of my hand, and pushed some hair off my face as I stood up. When I looked over at Eddie, he was grinning back at me.

“What?” I cocked my head to the side. He walked around the island, closing the gap between us.

“You got flour all over your nose,” Eddie chuckled as he reached up and used his fingers to wipe at my nose.  “And your cheek.”

My eyes met his as his fingers stilled on my cheek. I couldn’t help myself, and I stepped forward, leaning into his palm.  My eyes closed in contentment at the feeling of his fingers lightly rubbing against my skin. I stopped breathing when his lips met mine, and the next thing I knew, I was in his arms.

Eddie had my cheeks cupped with his hands, his lips moving over mine. I opened to him, giving him access, and I nearly died right then and there when his tongue slipped inside my mouth. I couldn’t control the groan that escaped - it had been so long that I’d been properly kissed.  Eddie growled back, and I pulled at his shoulders, urging him on as my need flared red-hot. Eddie roughly grabbed me by my hips and turned me around; we walked back towards the island, never breaking contact as we continued kissing. Eddie hastily shoved the aluminum foil off the countertop, along with a stack of paper plates and some cups, clearing it completely. Neither of us cared that the paper towels fell off and unraveled as it rolled across the floor. All that mattered was our touches, the contact of his skin with mine, his lips with mine.  Eddie lifted me, his hands gripping me behind my knees as he pulled me up the cabinets and set me on the countertop. My legs automatically spread, and he stepped in between them. 

“God, I fuckin’ want you so damn bad,” he kissed along my exposed neck, his lips traveling up to my jaw, and then my ear. _“Fuck!”_ I could feel the hardness pressed between my legs as Eddie rolled his hips into me, and I squeezed my thighs harder against his waist.  His hands traveled to my lower back as he pressed me backwards, leaning me over the small island. 

 

My hands gripped his arms, his shoulders, pulling him to me as much as I could. I just wanted to be closer to him. _I needed to be closer to him._ I whimpered when I felt Eddie’s hand slip under my tee-shirt and begin to travel up my ribcage, tickling me and driving me wild. I giggled, and Eddie chuckled against my neck.

“Still ticklish, huh?” His fingers continued their steady trek up my side, finally stopping when they met the underside of my breast. I held my breath, biting my lip as I prayed that he would touch me. I squirmed under him, trying to move so that my breast was more available.

“Do you want me to touch you, Sammie?” Eddie lightly traced the underside of my breast with the rough pad of his thumb. My skin broke out in goosebumps, and I couldn’t control the shiver that coursed over my body.

_Did I want him to touch me? **Was he fucking crazy?!**_   I whimpered, biting my lip, as I rolled my hips again, trying desperately to get Eddie to do what I so desperately wanted him to do. I needed him inside me. _Right now._

“Sammie?” Eddie’s lips found my ear as his thumb so higher on my heaving breast. I squirmed again...another inch and he’d be right where I wanted him…his hand closed around my breast, his thumb just brushing over my nipple, and—

In my fog of confusion, I just barely heard the jingle of keys.  Then the front door flew open, and it was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on me. I scrambled to get off the countertop, pushing and shoving at Eddie to get him away from me. I would be bruised on my hip from where the countertop edge jammed into me.

“We’re ba-” Stone’s words died on his lips as he and Ava came into the kitchen.  Judging by Stone’s wide eyes -- _and Ava’s throaty giggle_ \--it was obvious what was going on between Eddie and I; I nearly died of embarrassment as I tried to right my clothing. I prayed that I could just disappear altogether.

“Yay. _I’m so fuckin’ excited_.” Eddie muttered, his tone sour as he grabbed his beer off the counter and took a sip.

“You guys were really gonna do it on my countertop?” Stone asked incredulously, his eyes narrowed as he stared at the both of us. Ava covered her mouth with her hand, most likely to hide her laughter. Eddie stood there, cock-blocked and pissed off.   I really just wanted to die of embarrassment.  

“Well, I’m just gonna go die in my room, okay?” I skirted past Eddie, and Stone, and practically ran down the hallway.  Once inside, I crawled onto my bed and pulled a pillow over my head.  I didn't hear the door open, but I felt the bed dip. I already knew who it was without looking.

“I’m sorry, Sammie.” Eddie’s voice was deep with regret…as usual. I peeked out from under my pillow to stare up at him.

“It’s okay. It’s not you.”

“I’m always apologizing and it’s not making a difference. I don’t know what to do, Sammie.” Eddie shrugged his shoulders. He turned from me, his elbows resting on his knees, and chin in the palm of one hand. “Maybe this is just how it is? Maybe it’s been too long for us?” His jaw ticked, and I could see the emotions passing over his face as the thoughts ran through his head. I sat up, my heart pounding in my chest at his words.

“What are you saying?” It came out as a whisper. I didn’t want to give it a voice. I couldn’t. _Whatever it was, I didn’t want to speak it into existence. **I couldn’t.**_

“I’m saying that maybe it’s too late for us?” Eddie turned to look at me, and my heart dropped down to my stomach. _He said it._   After all this time, and feeling like there might be a chance, he voiced it out loud - _my greatest fear._   I swallowed hard as I waited for what came next.  My stubbornness never got me anywhere I wanted to be, and I started to immediately regret being so dismissive of him. Yes, he had royally fucked up... _but he had also been trying to fix it._ Not to mention my cousin's interference.  I never even gave him a chance to even try to make it right, yet I still expected it to somehow just work itself out like some damn romance novel.   My heart broke when I saw that his eyes were glossy with what I assumed were unshed tears.  

“Five minutes ago, you were kissing me.  This morning, you were pissed at me. Last night you wanted me to sleep with you. The night before that, I got wasted and threw up everywhere.” He ran a hand through his hair; I could see his hand was shaking.  "I just don't know what you want from me.  I really don't. And I'm beginning to think I'll never know, that it's too late for me to try to figure it out."  

“Eddie, I don’t know what to say. I mean, I don’t know what you want me to say?” I tried desperately to keep the sadness out of my voice, but it was no use.  I wanted to scream at him, to tell him I still loved him and that I wanted to try, but was he right?   _Had it been too long?_   _Were we past the point of no return?_ I had no idea. 

“And now you’re crying again. I’m sick and fucking tired of making you cry, Sammie. It hurts me when I hurt you.” Eddie looked at me again. His lips were taut as he struggled with his own emotions.

“I don’t know if I can do this” - he gestured between the two of us - “without losing my mind. I feel like I’m barely hanging on as it is.  Too much shit going on up here.”  He angrily pointed at his temple with his finger.   He bowed his head and covered his eyes with his hand. He was definitely crying now. “The festival. I keep seeing it in my head.  I try to not think about it, but all I can think is that if we had been paying more attention, or something, I don’t know. We had no idea. We just kept playing, we had no idea.” Eddie’s shoulders shook with emotion, and I had no choice but to scoot forward and wrap my arms around him.

“I hate this life, Sammie. **_I hate it._ ** Everybody’s watching me. I can’t be normal. People died because of _this_ life.” Eddie’s voice was full of self-loathing. I hated hearing him talk like this. I couldn't imagine what he had gone through.  What he was going through. I couldn't imagine the guilt he felt...

“Eddie, baby, it’s not your fault. None of it is.” I pressed my lips to his shoulder.

“How can it not be our fault? _Not my fault?_   We play these fucking shows. People come to these fucking shows. People are drunk, I’m drunk half the time.  Hell, most of the time. It's how I deal with all this shit.   Nobody knows what the fuck is going on half the time.” He wiped at his nose. “I just never thought it would be like this. I never wanted this… _this life._ I never did. And now I’m here, and I can’t get out of it. It's like I'm trapped, and all for what? _A fucking paycheck that I don't want?”_

“You can do whatever you wanna do, Eddie. Nobody’s forcing you, okay? If you feel like you can’t do it, then don’t.” I kissed his shoulder again, trying to reassure him. Eddie sucked in a deep breath and let it out. I hoped that was some of the tension, some of the worry, leaving him.  I didn't know how to help him. 

“You remember when we first met, Sammie? All those years ago?” Eddie chuckled.

“I do.” I scooted back on the bed, patting my legs as I offered a spot for him to lay on. Eddie obliged, and crawled over to me. He rested his head on my lap, while his arms wrapped around my hips. I lightly ran my fingers over his scalp. He sighed with content, and I smiled a little when I realized his hair was starting to come back in a bit. I missed those curls of his. 

“I wanted to get up off that stool and run away with you. I had this vision of us, living on a beach somewhere, just me and you and no worries.” Eddie smiled against my thigh. “That week we spent together was the best week of my life.”

“Mine too.” I wiped a tear off my cheek as the memories flooded my brain. So much had happened since then.

“I’m sorry I lied to you about Beth.”

I stiffened at the mention of _her_ name.

“She and I had been together for a long damn time. It was more habit than anything.” Eddie continued on, and even though I wanted to stop him, I couldn’t. I had to know, no matter how much it hurt. “She got me, Sammie. She understands how…insane — _I guess?_ — how insane I could be. I go on these binges where I lock myself up in my room, or wherever, and I’m an asshole.  I know I'm an asshole.   _I know this._   I drink too much.  I smoke too much weed. I stay up all night. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I just write and play music until I’m almost insane. I get these weird fucking ideas in my head, and I can’t escape them. I’m angry. I’m depressed. I’m throwing shit. I’m fucking raging. Beth understood that.  Or she didn’t care, I don’t know, but she never pressured me to be any other way. Maybe she was as sick as I was, I don’t know.” Eddie tightened his hands around my hips and snuggled in a little deeper.  He was holding me as if he thought I might disappear, and even though I was sad for myself, I found this action even sadder.

I sniffled, but said nothing. I couldn’t find the words, and even if I could, I wasn’t sure I could give them a voice. My throat was so tight with pain.  We were such a damn mess. 

“I never wanted you to see that, Sammie. I was different with you. I was happy. I didn’t feel like I needed to be so angry. It scared me. I had always been angry, I was used to it, but I didn’t want it anymore. With you, I just wanted to make you smile. That was my goal, to make you smile.  But I was scared.  It's like you were too good to be true. Sounds stupid, but it's true.”

“You did make me smile.” _I managed to speak after all._ Even if it was a hoarse whisper, muddled with tears and sadness. Eddie looked up at me, that spot between his brows creasing as he saw my face.

“And now I’m making you cry, again. I'm sick of this fucking shit.” Eddie started to pull back, to remove himself from my lap, but I shook my head. I wasn’t going to lose him again, not like this.  Not when there was a chance that I could take.   _That we could take..._

“Please don’t go. Don’t leave. I’m not that little kid anymore, Eddie.” I tugged him up, forcing him closer. “I can handle this now. Please let me try. We have to try.” I reached out and pressed my lips to his. Eddie pulled back, his eyes wide, and I nodded my head, answering his unspoken question. 

_It was now or never..._


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW. NFSW. Not FUCKING suitable for work. Or anywhere else for that matter. You've been warned.
> 
> I am so depraved. I'll be hiding in my corner after this. I hope Eddie knows I have nothing but respect for him. It's not my fault that he inspires all this dirty shit... (RESPONSIBILITY SUITABLY SHIRKED)

**My visual inspiration for this part ;-)**

  

* * *

 

 

Without a word, he hopped off the bed and practically ran to the door and locked it. He started yanking off his clothes on the way back. I bit my lip, nervously giggling as I took in the sight of his bare chest. He had most definitely filled out in the past ten years; no longer did he have the lean, boyish figure that I remembered. He was more muscular now, his more-defined chest covered with dark, curly chest hair that I wanted to run my fingers through. I swallowed hard at the sight of that line of hair he revealed as he unbuttoned his jeans, running from his navel to below his boxers. ** _Fuck..._**

“Unless you want me to rip that shirt off, I suggest you take it off.” Eddie crawled back on the bed and started pulling off my socks. I removed my tee-shirt, blushing furiously as he openly stared at my bra-covered breasts.

“God damn, sweetie.” He leaned over me, hands braced on either side, as he placed his open mouth over one nipple.  His hot breath covered me, wetting me and driving me wild. 

 _“Oh my god!”_ I gasped as his tongue swirled around my aching nipple. His hand found my other breast, and he tugged at my bra, pulling the cup down so that my nipple popped free. He quickly released the one breast in favor of the other, and the feeling of his lips wrapped around my bare nipple had me biting my fist to keep from screaming.  He laved me over and over, his tongue swirling about as he tugged and bit with his teeth. I felt the wetness explode between my legs, and I squirmed against him.

 _“Please…please…”_ I scratched at his bare back, begging him to help me. With one last hard suck at my nipple, he released me and sat up. His face was flushed, his chest just as blotchy under his tanned skin, as he grabbed my sweats and pulled them and my panties off.  His jeans and boxers quickly followed. His blue eyes were stormy, dark as sin, and he looked like he was going to devour me in every way possible. His stubbled jaw was tense, set with a purpose.  It was almost frightening the intensity I saw in the set of his jaw, the need I saw in his eyes.  

Eddie pulled me down the bed, dragging me by my ankles until my legs were spread out next to his thighs. He crawled over me, nestling himself in between my thighs as he lay down on top of me. I let out a sigh of contentment as Eddie nuzzled my nose with his.

“I missed you.” He kissed my forehead, my cheeks, my nose.  My mouth.  His stubble scraped along my lips, chafing them in the most delicious way. I felt his hand grab at the underside of my thigh, opening me further to him. I could feel the thick hardness of his cock as it rubbed at me, the coarseness of his pubic hair as it rubbed against my clit. I was so wet, I could feel it dripping down the back of my thigh, and I wantonly rubbed myself against him. Eddie hissed through his teeth, and I felt him move himself closer to my entrance.  

“I love you.” It came out as a grunt, but it made my heart soar nonetheless.  He kissed my lips as he entered me.  The feeling of him sliding in, filing me so fully, had me gasping for air. He was so damn hard, so big. I turned my head to the side as Eddie pressed his lips against my cheek, then at my neck as he grunted over and over,   _“Fuck. Ah…fuck…_ ” 

He pressed into me, his body rigid and tense as he completely bottomed out. I barely felt his fingers biting into the skin of my thigh as he held me still, but I couldn’t wait. I felt like I was about to cum, but I was just on this side of it; I needed to be pushed over the edge, and I needed it to happen right now! I started rolling my hips, forcing him to move inside me. Eddie groaned into my neck as he started rocking his hips back and forth.

“I need you to do it hard, Eddie.” I bit at his ear, nipping his earlobe. He started going faster, his hips slamming into me as he thrust.

“Like this?” He grabbed my thigh and wrapped it around his waist, bringing us that much closer as he shoved his hips into mine. 

“Really _fucking_ hard.” I gripped at his ass, pulling him deeper into me each time he thrust.

He gripped my thigh that much tighter for leverage, while his other hand found the base of my throat and he gripped me there, just barely cutting off my air supply as he slammed into to me, over and over again.

“Hard…harder…” I breathed out. My hands found his chest, and I scraped my nails over his nipples, rubbing circles around them as I tried to desperately get him to cum. I was getting hysterical with need, moving frantically as I tried to rub myself against him. Finally, I felt the wave start to break over me. Felt the pleasure start rolling over my body in waves. I felt it start, the tingling that began as my entire body tensed. My head dropped back on the bed, my eyes closed as I let it overtake me. I no longer had control of my hands, I barely felt my nails biting into Eddie’s chest as my body exploded around him. He covered my mouth with his hand to stifle my scream. I went rigid under him, my thighs tightening around him as he slammed into me over and over again.

 _ **“Fuck!”** _ Eddie breathed into my ear as he finally came, his body jerking inside me as I clenched around him.  I knew the moment his orgasm hit him; I could fel him twitching inside me, his cock contracting deep within me.  

 **“ _Fuck...fuck...fuck...fuck,_ ”** he murmured over and over again as he thrust into me. With one last hard thrust, he stilled, completely spilling himself inside me, his body spent as I took every last drop he had to offer. He collapsed on me, his breathing ragged as was mine.

“Fuck.” His heart pounded against my chest, mine pounding much the same. Unable to help myself, I tightened around him again. Eddie hissed, his body tensing again at the sensation. 

“Sorry,” I giggled as I moved my hands from under his chest and brought them around to his back. I traced up and down, reacquainting myself with the old and new. He’d definitely filled out, and I loved every inch of him.

“It’s good…just too much right now.” He flinched again, his whole body shivering, and again I giggled.

“Mr. Sensitive, huh?” I teased as I ran my fingers up and down his back.

“That’s what happens when you make me wait for so long.” He kissed my neck and then leaned up. I could see the smile all the way up into his eyes. _He was so happy, and that made me happy_. “I love you, Sammie. So damn much.”

“I love you, too.” I leaned up and kissed him again. “We gotta get up, though. That turkey will be done soon.” I lay back down, trying to get my legs to start working again.  I was so damn exhausted, and it felt absolutely wonderful.  I wiggled, trying to get Eddie to let me up.   He was looking at me strangely.  

"What?"  I asked as I brought a hand up to trace over his jaw.  His beard was growing really fast. 

"Please don't leave me again."  His blue eyes were wary, and I felt my heart clench.  I pressed my hand against his jaw, and then moved it so that it was behind his neck.  I pulled him down to me for another kiss.  

"I'm not going anywhere.  Neither are you, okay?"  I murmured against his lips.  "We'll figure it out."

"Yeah?"  Eddie asked, still unsure.  

" _Yes._  Now let me get up before the turkey burns."  I playfully shoved at his chest.  Eddie finally relented, even offered a small half-smile as he rolled off of me, but I could tell he was still over-analyzing things in that crazy head of his.  

We both cleaned up as much as possible, and got dressed.  Eddie left before I did, so as not to seem so awkward, but it was totally awkward when I finally made my way into the kitchen.  Stone was leaned up against the counter, a beer in hand, as he regarded me with a smirk. 

"Better now?" he asked, one brow arch.  Still smirking.   _The asshole._ I huffed out a deep breath and pretended like I didn't hear him. I walked over to the stove and pulled the door open to inspect the turkey.  I was just going to pretend like nothing had happened. _Not a damn thing._   I poked at the foil, checking both the turkey and the pie. 

"You're a dick!" Eddie called from the table where he was sitting with Ava.  

"Just calling it like I see it," Stone remarked as he made his way over to the table.  "Now that Ed's blue balls are cured, and Sammie's not so pissed, maybe we can have a good holiday after all." Stone sat down at the table with a self-satisfied grin.  

"That reminds me.  Ava, did you ever tell Eddie that Stone had proposed to you?"  I popped the top off my own beer, walked over to Eddie, and sat in his lap.  He wrapped his arms around me, grinning against my back, as Stone glowered at me.  I hid my own smirk behind my beer as Ava cut her eyes at her not-quite fiancé.  

It was still a sore subject, apparently. 

 


	33. Chapter 33

**Eddie's journal, Thanksgiving Day, 2000**

 

I’m sitting here, staring at her while she sleeps. She’s so beautiful. I wish we could stay here forever. We’re still waiting on Chris and Dave to get here. Jeff isn’t gonna make it, and I don’t think Mike is coming either. It’s storming pretty bad, and it’s gotten icy, so who knows. Weird fucking weather.

I’m still pissed at Chris and Dave, so I’ve got to watch myself tonight. I don’t wanna let anything get outta control. It’s all over now, and Sammie is with me. I think.  I still don't think I deserve her, but maybe I can be better for her. 

Either way, I got to make a pie with Sammie. I’ve never made a pie before. And then Stone came home, and it got weird. Then Sammie and I made love. It felt like the first time. I love her so much. It’s like it all came back to me, times one million. I don’t know if she feels the same, I hope she does.

I know she’s mad at me cause I ruined the turkey, but I did go get Chinese food, so there’s that. How was I supposed to know that there was a bag of stuff inside the damn turkey? I’ve never cooked one before. I probably would have eaten it and not cared. I think it was the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had in my whole life, even without the turkey. I don’t even like turkey that much. Especially now that I know there's a bag of bones inside the damn thing.  Pretty damn gross. 

Anyways, I talked to her about the festival. I’m not using it as an excuse, but I feel like maybe I need to chill out with all my drinking. I need to deal with my shit. I can’t keep pretending like it doesn’t bother me. It does. I can’t be angry with her. I have to chill out. Sammie will never put up with my shit the way Beth did. I know that. I just wish I had never fucked up so bad. I’ve spent so much time going over what I should have done, what I could have done.  And it doesn't matter anymore, cause Sammie's with me now. I can't fuck it up again. 

**_~~I spend my time alone with my past regrets~~ _ **  
**_You can spend your time alone_ **  
**_Gotta live in the present_ **

**_It make more sense to live in the present_ **

**_Present tense, past regrets_ **

**_We gotta live in the present tense_ **

 


	34. Chapter 34

I woke up, and this time, Eddie was still there. He was leaned up against the headboard, that black composition notebook across his lap as he wrote inside it.

“What are you doing?” I yawned up at him.

“Writing songs about the woman I love,” he smiled as he closed the notebook. He set it on the dresser, and turned back to me. I moved over and lay my cheek against his chest.

“What kinda songs?” I ran my fingers through his chest hair. “I’ve always wondered what you were writing in that book of yours.”

“I have so many books, Sammie. It’s crazy.” Eddie kissed my head. “And so much of you is in them.”

“Really?” I always wondered about the songs, but never did I think he was writing about me like that. 

“Really.”

“I love you, Eddie. I’m sorry about everything.” I hugged him tighter.

“Why are you apologizing to me, Sammie?” Eddie scooted down, rolling me so that I was forced to look at him. “You never did anything wrong. It was all me.”

“I know, but I just feel like I could have maybe let you explain yourself. Maybe I could have answered a letter, or called you back.” I stared at the base of his neck, watching his skin jump with every heartbeat. “I was just so mad at you.”

“I was stupid, Sammie. I was scared, and stupid, and then it just kinda spiraled, and the time was off, and I could go on and on, but the bottom line is it was all my fault.” Eddie ran a finger down my jaw. “And I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I swear.”

“So are you still drinking and getting mad all the time?” I asked him, smiling, even though I was serious. I needed to know what I was getting myself into with him; we’d both changed so much over the years, and we had so much to learn about each other. _Again._ Deep down, I knew I was still pissed about the whole Beth thing, but that was something I was going to have to deal with if I ever wanted Eddie and I to be together. _What’s done is done; gotta live in the present, you know?_

“I do drink, and I smoke weed sometimes, and I do get pissed, but not like before.  At least I don't think so, anyways. I think age has chilled me out, but I won't lie, I have some dark shit still there."   Eddie leaned over and kissed me on my forehead.  "I'll do whatever you need me to do to fix things. I've told you that a hundred times before, and I'll keep telling you that." 

I ran a finger down the center of his chest, trying to force the anger and insecurity from my mind. I wanted answers; I had questions, and I wanted answers, but at the same time, I didn't want to ruin what we had going at the moment.  I just wanted to be be happy with him.  I ran my finger down his stomach, just barely grazing the skin below his navel. I giggled when he flinched at my touch. 

"Careful, woman," Eddie growled in my ear as he pulled me close.    His large hand roamed over my ass, pulling me flush against him.  

"Or what?"  I slid my fingers past the waist of his boxers.  Eddie grabbed my hand and rolled me over, pinning me underneath him.  He playfully nuzzled my nose with his.  

"Or I'm gonna do bad things to you," Eddie murmured as he spread my legs and settled between them.  

"Like what you did to the turkey?"  I laughed at Eddie's sour expression, but my humor was quickly replaced with desire as I felt him grinding his hips against mine.   His hand came down and quickly pulled my panties to the side, and then he was in me, taking my breath away as he always did.  I moaned against his shoulder, doing my best to be quiet.   Eddie pulled out, and held himself just at my entrance, and it was all I could do to not whine with desperation.   He propped himself up on his hands and stared down at me, one brow arched.   _He knew exactly he was doing to me, the big jerk!_

"Take it back."  One side of his mouth quirked up as I lifted  my hips in an effort to capture him; he moved out of the way.  "Take it back, Sammie." 

"I love your turkey, Eddie."  I frantically grabbed at his hips. _"I fucking love it."_  

"Goddamn, I love it when you talk like that," Eddie's deep voice rumbled at my lips.  He swirled his hips, rubbing himself against me, teasing me with each swipe.  "Say something else..."

"I want you to fuck me, Eddie.  Fuck me hard."  I pulled myself up, trying to bite his lips with mine.   _"Please."_

Without warning, Eddie slammed into me, driving me back into the mattress.  I locked my legs around his waist, ensuring that he wasn't going anywhere this time.  He started rocking against me, each stroke taking me higher and higher...

 

 

 

* * *

 

  
A knock at the door had me sitting up.

“Eddie! Eddie! Wake up!” I shoved his shoulder. He only groaned in response, and rolled over on his belly. _Damnit._

I crawled off the bed, and quickly dressed before making my way to the door. I opened it just a crack, expecting to see Stone or Ava.

“Dave?!” I squealed with delight, and without thinking, threw the door open so that I could hug him. He wrapped me up in a hug, lifting me off the ground.

“Hey, beautiful!” Dave laughed as I giggled. We hugged for a few moments, before we were interrupted with some loud-throat clearing. 

“Don’t mind me, or nothing,” Eddie loudly grumbled from behind us. With a long, drawn-out breath, Dave set me down, and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Vedder. What’s up, man?” Dave offered, seemingly unwillingly. I stared back and forth between the two men, wondering what the hell was going on. Eddie’s blue eyes were hard, trained on Dave, and Dave stared back just as seriously. _Weren't they friends??_

“Not a fuckin’ thing. Mind giving me a minute so I can get dressed?” Eddie forced a smile;  I could see that he was not happy to see Dave.

“We’ll be right out, okay?” I smiled at Dave as he stepped back out into the hallway. Dave nodded at me, briefly looked over my shoulder at Eddie, and took his leave. _Without another word to me, he just left.  What the fuck was going on with these two?_

“What was that all about?” I turned back to Eddie. He was pulling his jeans up over his hips, and I could tell he was angry by his jerky movements. He pulled his tee-shirt on over his head and shoved his arms though the sleeves.

“Nothing.” His tone was curt, short and clearly indicative that something more than _“nothing”_ was bothering him.

_“Nothing?_ It didn’t look like nothing to me.” I walked over to him, and slid my arms through his. He leaned back, seeming to pull out of my embrace; his hands were still shoved in his pockets, when he normally would have put them on me. I frowned up at him.

“Did I do something wrong?” I was confused by his behavior; it was like a switch had been flipped.  

“No, Sammie.” Eddie glanced down at me before looking away. “I just need to get something to eat, okay?”  He gave me a smile that I knew wasn’t genuine. Confused - _and very much on edge_ _now_ \- I stepped out of Eddie’s arms.

“Okay, go ahead.  I’ll be out in a few.  Just wanna clean up.” I gave Eddie a tremulous smile. I knew something was wrong, and although I had no fucking idea what it was, I knew it wasn’t good.

Eddie hesitated at the door, his hand on the doorknob as he turned back around to face me.  His face looked pained, as if he was deeply conflicted. I had no idea what to make of it. 

“I love you, Sammie.”

“Love you, too.” My smile wavered, although I did my best to keep it as convincing as possible. Once Eddie closed the door, I sat down on the bed, attempting to swallow the lump in my throat. That was the first time I’d really seen Eddie shift so quickly from one mood to the next, and it scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what I’d done wrong,  or what I’d done to deserve his distance.


	35. Chapter 35

I made my way down the hallway, still unsure of what was going on. Eddie was acting so weird. I turned the corner, into the kitchen, and see Dave, Ava, and Stone, all sitting at the table.

_Eddie is nowhere to be found._

“Did he leave?” I bluntly asked.  All three at the table turned to look at me.

“Uh...yeah...said he needed to go take care of some things.” Stone rubbed the back of his neck. The tension was palpable.

I didn’t give a fuck right now.  It was Thanksgiving Day, and after all that time spent together last night and the day before, Eddie had left.  Without telling me a fucking thing, he'd left. _Un-fucking-believable._

“Typical.” I muttered as I made my way over to the table. I sat next to Dave. “How are you, Dave?”

Dave smiled at me as he sipped on a beer. “I’m fucking great. How are you?” His eyes raked over me from head to toe. “You look good.”

“You look good, too!” I reached over and grabbed his chin with my fingers. He had a bit of scruff growing there that I could appreciate. “I see you’ve grown into your teeth!”

I laughed at Dave’s expression, but then he started laughing as well.  Stone and Ava also laughed, lightening the mood. This was what I loved about Dave — _his ability to laugh with me and to make me laugh._ Eddie was all serious, and quiet, whereas Dave was loud and funny and in your face.  

“I resent that, okay? My teeth are fucking great!” Dave grinned at me, all teeth on display.  

 

 

I burst out laughing again. I’d totally forgotten how cute Dave was, and how easy it was to laugh with him. It was easy to just be with him…

“Your teeth _are really fucking great_ , I never said that.” I pulled his beer from him and took a giant gulp. “I just think that now your face has caught up to them.”

Dave’s lips flattened over his teeth in mock indignation. 

“You wound me. You really fucking wound me, Samantha.”

I did my best not to start laughing again, but it was so damn hard.  My lips quirked up around the corners at his pained expression.  He shook his head at me, and I burst out laughing, unable to help myself.  

“So, since you’ve all eaten, what are we doing toady?” Dave looked around the room, then back at me.  

“Isn’t Chris coming?” I looked over at Stone.

“Don’t know yet. He’s delayed, I think.” Stone answered.

“We could go to the movies?” Ava offered.  She was usually pretty quiet. “There’s some scary movie playing, that Blair Witch thing, I think.”

“I am still not recovered from the first witch movie!” I mock-shivered, wrapping my arms around myself. “I’ll never sleep again.”

“Well, lucky fucking you, I’m here to keep you safe.” Dave winked at me as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. He pulled me against him and planted a sloppy kiss on my temple. Uncomfortable, I pushed at Dave to get him to release me. Stone and Ava watched on in a silence that spoke volumes. I was feeling very weird right now, very uncomfortable. Eddie wasn’t here, and Dave had always had this thing for me - ** _there was no denying that._** I had always been attracted to Dave, not like I was Eddie, but attracted nonetheless.  I knew this was a slippery slope that I was skirting.  Stone cleared his throat.

“I’m down with going to the movies. We haven’t had a break in a long while.” He looked at Ava. “Sure you wanna see that movie? We’ll be leaving in less than a week, and you’re gonna be alone.”

“Wait, what?” I looked over at Dave in confusion. _“Who’s leaving?”_

“We’re touring, going to Mexico and I think California. We’ll be back right before Christmas.” Stone’s brows drew together as he looked at me. “Didn’t Eddie tell you?”

I sat back in my chair, defeated. “No. He didn’t tell me a damn thing.”   _He never fucking told me anything._

“Sammie, look, I’m—”

“Forget it, Stone. It’s Eddie’s typical bullshit that he does.” I stood up, and shoved my chair under the table. I looked down at Dave. “I’m gonna take a shower, and then we go, okay? I need to get out of this fucking house.”

“Whatever you wanna do, babe.” Dave nodded up at me, grinning again as he drank from his beer.  

"I guess we'll go get dressed too, then."  Stone and Ava stood up and followed me.  Ava went into their room, but Stone followed me to mine. He grabbed my arm, halting me before I turned into the guest room.  I glared up at him;  I totally didn't want his advice or recommendations now. _Not at all._

"What?"  

"Are you sure you wanna do this?  You don't wanna wait for Eddie to get back?"  Stone's voice was quiet, serious with meaning.  I jerked my arm out of his hand. 

"I'm fine, Stone. It's just a bunch of friends going to the movies, no big deal."  

"Eddie won't see it that way. You know he won't. Especially not with Dave, of all people." Stone crossed his arms over his chest. 

"Well, I really don't care how Eddie will see it. He's not here, is he?  He left me, as usual. Doesn't tell me a fucking thing."  I opened the door to my room.  "And whatever this thing with him and Dave is, it's not my problem. _It's his._ Theirs."    I laughed humorlessly.  "Another fucking thing that I have no idea about." 

"You are aware that Dave has always wanted to be with you, right?  I mean, come on, Sammie!"  Stone followed me into my room.  "You know Eddie is gonna flip his shit over this."  

I stopped, taking in a deep breath. I'd had enough.  I'd had enough of Stone's advice, I'd had enough of Eddie's flakiness and insecurity and evasiveness.  Whatever it was, I'd had enough.   

"Why does everyone care what Eddie will think?  He doesn't care what I think, or what you think! If he did, he'd be here right now, not running off to," **\-- I put my fingers in the air for emphasis** \-- " _take care of business!_   Knowing that you're all leaving in a week, you'd think he'd be here with me, but of fucking course not!  He's running off, doing that shit he does.  He's such a fucking coward."  I grabbed my towel off the end of the bed.  

"I just think this might not be such a good idea, is all I'm saying."  Stone continued quietly.  

"Well, thanks for your input, but I really don't care.  Now, I need to get a shower, okay?"  I walked into the bathroom and closed the door, not waiting to see if Stone had anything left to say.  

I'd said and heard enough.  

 

 

 


	36. Chapter 36

 

 

It was almost midnight when Dave and I made it back home. Stone and Ava had left after the movie, but at the time, I was still pissed and didn’t want to be home just yet, so Dave had taken me to a local bar. I was very much buzzed, and I could not stop laughing and giggling.  That joint that Dave and I shared in the car was still making my head fuzzy, but it felt oh so great to not feel anything for a while.  

“We’re gonna freeze our asses off!” Dave pulled me through the rain and up onto the porch. It was coming down hard, great walls of rain that were quickly filling up the ditches and making it hard to see.  It was coming in sideways, and we got drenched as we ran up the steps.  Once there, we stopped before the door, and Dave ran his hands up and down my arms to warm me up. My teeth were chattering loudly in my mouth, and I still couldn’t stop laughing.

“What is so funny?” Dave asked with a grin that had his eyes crinkled up in the corners. 

“I don’t know, I just can’t stop laughing!” My teeth chattered again, and I burst out laughing at the absurd noise I made. This time, Dave started laughing as well. We stood there, like two idiots, laughing on the porch, when Dave suddenly leaned down and kissed me. I stood still, in shock, as his lips pressed against mine. It took a few moments before I realized what was happening, and I pushed at Dave to get him off me.

“Dave, stop, please.” I stepped back from him, my back pressed against the door.  Dave followed, and stood before me.

“Why won’t you ever give us a chance?”

“You know why.” I hugged myself, tightly wrapping my arms around me almost as if I were protecting myself.

“ _Eddie?_ **_Really?”_** Dave snorted. “Look, I love the dude as much as the next, but he’s not good for you, Sammie.” Dave looked around the porch, his hands thrown up for emphasis. “Where’s he now? _On Thanksgiving?_ Out running the road, doing his own thing.”

“He had stuff to do, Dave.” I countered, though I had no idea why I was protecting Eddie.  I was very much pissed at him; hell, it seemed like I stayed pissed at him for one reason or another.

“Of course he did. His shit, his little meltdowns, his little breakdowns and hissy fits will always be more important than anything else, right?” Dave moved closer, his boots touching mine.  “You’ll never be first for him, Sammie. Can’t you see that?”

I shook my head, no longer laughing, but now crying. Dave frowned at this, and reached up and wiped a tear off my cheek.  

“I have been here this whole time, just waiting. Why won’t you give me a chance?”

“Because I love him,” I whispered the words like a mantra. “I love him. I love Eddie.”

Dave moved closer, and leaned his head down. His lips were right against mine as he spoke.  “But does he love you the same way, Sammie?”

I could feel the tickle of his stubble against my cheek, the warmth of his lips, could smell the beer from earlier. I found myself leaning into Dave, and again, Dave was kissing me. He was gentle, his lips warm as they moved over mine. _I didn’t fight back, damn me._ I didn’t fight back, and instead, I opened to him, allowing him access to my mouth as my arms twined around his neck.  It would be so easy to just get lost in the feel of him pressed against me, his warmth, his gentleness...his desire for me.   Dave wanted me, had always wanted me.  I pulled him tighter to me, pulling him down closer so that I could taste him better.  

“God, Samantha…” Dave groaned as he pushed me back into the door.  It was that, his calling me by my full name, that jolted me back into reality. _What the fuck was I doing?!_ I pushed against Dave's chest, forcing him to stumble back and away from me.

“Don’t do that again.” I shook my head at him as he stepped forward, one finger held up in warning. _“Don’t.”_

“He’s only gonna hurt you, Sammie. It’s what he does. It’s what he’s always done. Look at Beth.”

“Fuck you, Dave,” I hissed, more than pissed off that he would bring that up. All the embarrassment came right back, flooding my mind with unwanted thoughts, and flushing my cheeks with shame.   "Fuck you for that."  

Dave just shrugged it off.  “You know I’m telling the truth.”

“I don’t care. It’s over. It was a mistake, and really none of your business.” I pulled my keys out of my purse and tried to find the right one. It was hard, since my fingers were shaking so bad from the cold and my nerves.

“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?” Dave had moved closer.  I turned around, mere inches from him.

“If you wanna remain my friend, I suggest you leave.” My tone left no room for negotiation, and Dave clearly understood that. He stepped back, hands in his pockets.

“Tell Stone I’ll talk with him later, okay?” He pulled his keys out of his pocket.

“Yep.” I turned the key and opened the door.

“Sammie, I care about you. A lot. More than I should, I know. If you ever need me, just call okay? I don’t care where I am, I’ll come.”

“Bye, Dave.” It came out as a muffled whisper, and I just barely made it to my room before I burst out in a flood of tears.


	37. Chapter 37

 

 

**Eddie's Journal - November 26th, 2000**

Rehearsals.  Except I'm the only one here.  I needed to get away, clear my head.  I couldn't go back to Stone's, not after what I saw that night. 

She doesn’t know I saw her on the porch with Dave. Everything in me was screaming to go to her, to knock the shit out of Dave, but I couldn’t move. It’s like I was stuck inside the damn car, unable to move as I watched them. I felt like such a loser watching them, but what could I do? Dave has always been better for her, I should have known this would happen.

Maybe I should just leave her alone, let her decide what she wants to do.  I haven't talked to her since Thanksgiving day.  I haven't talked to anyone.  I do what I always do, I run off and isolate. I wish I knew how to not do that. I wish it wasn't the first thing I did when shit went down.  I just don't know what else to do.  I bet she doesn't want to talk to me anyways. 

I fucking hate Dave. I wanna fucking knock the shit out of him, but I think Sammie would only be more mad at me. I’m so fucking jealous I can’t even stand myself. As soon as he showed up, I knew I overreacted. **I fucking hate him.** I hate that he makes her laugh in ways that I can’t. I hate that she smiles more with him than she does with me. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate myself.

She kissed him. I saw it. She kissed him two times. She hugged him. Did she forget that we were just together the night before? And that morning. Fuck. I feel like my heart was ripped out and trampled on the porch under their boots. Is that what she felt like when she found out about Beth? I never knew it could hurt that bad. 

  
_**If I keep holding out, will the light shine through.** _   
_**Under this broken roof, its only rain that I feel.** _

_**Please come back.** _   
_**I wish that you would come back…** _


	38. Chapter 38

I rode with Stone to Eddie’s house.  

It was two days before they were leaving to go on tour, and I'd still not heard from Eddie.  After the weird thing with Dave - and me kicking Dave out for making it even weirder - I was sure Eddie would have come back by now.  The days passed and he didn't, and I started worrying.  Stone reluctantly offered to take me to Eddie's house.  I was shocked, because I honestly never knew where Eddie stayed.  We never really talked about it, which in hindsight, is very strange.  Whatever. 

I had to know what was going on with him. I felt childish and stupid and almost like a desperate girlfriend, but I had to know what was going on with him. _With us._ I couldnt’ go another 10 years - _or day_ \- for that matter, without hearing it from him. I think he at least owed me that, if nothing else.

“So, this is Ed’s place,” Stone stated bluntly. We had pulled up in front of what looked to be some kind of little cabin, set back against the trees, and bordering on a little creek. I looked over at Stone, eyes wide. The  list of things I didn't know about Eddie continued to grow...

“It’s why he came to Chris’ place, or mine, to practice.” Stone unbuckled. “It’s literally a damn cabin. I don’t know why he won’t buy something better, God knows he’s got the money now.”

“How long has he lived here?” I unbuckled as well. We both got out of the car.

“Since he came to Seattle, I think.” Stone pointed to the creek behind the house. “That’s Thornton Creek, there.”

In silence, we made our way to the front door. Stone stopped, and turned to look at me.

“Are you sure you wanna do this? I mean, with me here?”

I lifted my chin, a show of courage I did not have. If Stone wasn’t here, I never would have come.  Besides, I don’t know Seattle that well, and Eddie’s “house” was far enough out that I would get lost trying to find my way back.

“It’s fine. I just need to talk to him, see where we stand. Then we can leave.” My tone was so nonchalant - _so uncaring_ \- that even I might have believed myself on a different day.

Stone looked at me — _studying me, maybe?_ —before he finally turned and knocked on the door. A few moments later Eddie peeked out from behind it, his blue eyes squinting in the light.

“Stone?” Eddie mumbled.

“And me.” I spoke up as I stepped from behind Stone.

Eddie faltered, his hand sliding down the door as his eyes met mine.  For just the briefest moment, a second maybe, I watched as his eyes seemed to brighten, his shoulders relaxed,  and one side of his mouth almost curled up in a smile; it went away as quickly as it appeared.  I could see the moment that mask slipped back over his handsome face, that moment the distrust came back. Unease furled in my belly at his behavior.  _What the hell was going on with him?_ I stepped forward, bridging the gap between us yet again. Again, I felt like l loved him and hated him - all that the same damn time.  Why was everything so damn difficult with him??

“What are you doing here?”  His knuckles turned white as he gripped the edge of the door.  

“I want to talk to you before you leave. Before you go on tour.” I clenched my teeth as I tried to control my anger. _“The tour that you didn’t tell me about, remember?”_

Eddie ran a hand through his hair, forcing it back off his head and away from his eyes. His icy blue eyes went back to Stone, his anger evident.  “Why did you bring her here?”

“Hello? I’m right fucking here, Eddie!” I stepped closer. “Don’t talk about me like I’m not.”  

“Who’s at the do-” The woman’s tone fell off as she peered over Eddie’s shoulders. Her deep brown eyes locked on mine, and I felt that “ _kicked in the gut_ ” feeling all over again. I stepped backwards, stumbling over some invisible thing that my feet were trying to trip over. Stone caught me, his arms wrapping around me and literally holding me upright. Cursing, Eddie stepped out of the house, closing the door behind him.

“Sammie, look. I can explain. It’s not what you think, okay?” Eddie pulled his hands together almost as if he were praying.  "Please, let me talk to you, please? Please, baby." 

I remember wondering why Eddie’s hands were shaking…and why mine weren’t.  Why his voice was pleading, almost begging, and I didn't care.  I felt some kind of nameless emotion come over me, it felt almost like I was numb; I wasn’t hurting, I didn’t want to cry, I wasn’t angry.  I was just... _nothing._ I felt nothing.  So rocked to my core, and in shock, that I literally felt nothing.

“I wanna go, Stone.” My tone was flat, devoid of any emotion. Eddie dropped his hands and bowed his head at his chest.  I stared at his head, at those dark curls that were coming back, and wondered how I could be so stupid.  I was shocked that I was so stupid.  He did it again.   
  
_I couldn’t believe he did it again._

_That thing that he did to me before, he did again. Only this time it was much, much worse. **How could he do it again?**_

My world spinning, I blinked a few times before stepping out of Stone’s arms and heading to the car. I crawled inside, and muscle memory took over as I buckled up. It was so quiet in the car, so eerily silent that I could hear my heart beating in my ears. It was so quiet, the silence so loud,  that I could barely hear the argument that Stone and Eddie were having not two feet in front of the hood. Though my peripheral vision, I saw Stone point a angry finger in Eddie’s face;  Eddie slapped it away.  Stone threw his hands up and yelled something before heading to the car. Eddie yelled something back,  walked over to his house and kicked a trash can, spilling the contents all over the ground.  With wide, disbelieving eyes, I watched him disappear back into his house. _With her._   He went back to her; didn't even try to come talk to me.  I swallowed the bile that was rising in my throat.  I vaguely wondered if that was the taste of a broken heart? I couldn't remember from the last time, but that was 10 years ago.  I should have known better, right?  He drew me back into his arms, I let him back into my heart, and here we were again. He had this hold on  me that I couldn't shake, no matter how bad it was for me.  Deep down, in the crevices of my heart and brain, I knew he was no good. I knew it was too good to be true, but still...It was like a chain was strung between the two of us, forever holding me to him, and allowing him to jerk me back whenever he felt like it;  it was obvious that absolutely nothing's changed at all.  I swallowed again, more painfully this time. 

I didn’t speak when Stone got back in the car and buckled.

“I’m sorry.” He turned the car on, and I was thankful that music filled the empty spaces. “Are you okay?” He turned to me. That’s when I started shaking. Maybe when I started breathing, I don't know. 

“That was her, wasn’t it? _That was Beth.”_ I said her name almost reverently, the woman who I was never able to compete with.  She had Eddie, more than I ever did.  Always would, it seemed. 

“Yeah, that was her. It’s not what you think, though.” Stone reached over and placed a hand one my shoulder.  I flinched at his touch, and he moved his hand back to the steering wheel. “Eddie’s heart is in the right place, even if his brain isn’t.” Stone sighed wearily.  

_I didn’t care. I didn’t want to know. I just wanted to go._

“I just want to go home, okay?” I whispered. My eyes were filling with tears, my chin trembling as I fought back against my emotions. All I could think about was getting back into my bed, pulling the covers over my head, and never coming back out.


	39. Chapter 39

**Eddie's Journal - December 4th, 2000 - Boise, Idaho**

Sammie came to the cabin a few days ago. I could kick Stone’s ass for that. I know it was my own fault though. No matter how hard I try, I keep fucking up. I’m trying to help Beth out. I’m trying to fix things with Sammie. But then she kisses Dave. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I was gonna go talk to her, to try to explain, and try to get explanations, but I guess I waited too long as usual. Stone brought her here, and she saw Beth, and god only fucking knows what she thinks is going on.

I can’t believe that she cares for Dave. Not like she cares for me. I won’t believe that. **I FUCKING WON'T.**  She loves me and I love her, and somehow I’m gonna fix all this shit.

**Fuck! FUCK FUCK FUCK**

I gotta go on tour. I didn't want to fucking go. I don’t. I wanted to stay there, fix shit with Sammie. I feel like I’m spinning out of control, and that scares the shit out of me. I don’t wanna go back to doing what I was doing. Sammie would never be okay with that. I just don’t know how I’m gonna get through this week without her. Without knowing if she’s gonna be here when I get back.  I don't know how I made it 10 years without her. Why is everything so fucked up? 

I feel like my head is gonna explode. 

If I were Sammie, I tried to think if I were Sammie, what would I be feeling? She inspires me so much.  All these fucked up lyrics and half-assed attempts at writing and I got shit to show for it. 

_**Don’t even think about reaching me. I won’t be home.** _

_**Don’t even think about stopping by, don’t think of me at all.** _

_**I did what I had to do, if there was a reason, it was you.** _

I fucked everything up with her. I know it.

_**I got scratches all over my arms, one for each day, since I fell apart.** _

God that fucking kills me. I did this to her. I took that light from her eyes. She used to laugh and I took that from her. She can continue to blame me, I accept that.

I gotta go play now.  Fuck I'm tired.  I just wanna be done with all this shit. I don't even know what I want anymore. 

EV.....

 

 


	40. Chapter 40

I pulled the covers off my head, and rolled over. It was 9:09PM.  Stone and the rest of the band had been gone for three days now, and I was still laying in bed. Just as pathetic and pitiful as ever.  Empty bags of chips littered the bed, half-drunk bottles of water and beer lined the nightstand as they stood silent watch.  I was a fucking mess.  I yawned loudly, and thought back to 3 days ago, right before Stone had left to go pick up Eddie...

* * *

 

_**3 days ago...** _

_After we’d left Eddie’s place, I had told Stone I was gonna stay under my covers, and that’s exactly what I did.  Even when he was trying to talk to me, trying to get me to see reason...trying to get me to understand Eddie right up until the minute they left.  I buried myself, a weak attempt at avoidance.  Stone had tried to talk to me about Eddie, to help me understand what was going on with Eddie and Beth.  Fuck.  That turned my stomach sour every time I thought about her. She was in his house. She was probably in his bed.  Fucking fuck._

_“You can’t stay like this, Sammie.” He had dropped down on the bed beside me. I scooted away from him._

_“Sammie. Sam-mie…” Stone pulled the covers off my face, forcing me to squint with aggravation. Stone stared back at me._

_“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I jerked the edge of the blanket, but Stone pulled it farther out of my grasp._

_“This isn’t healthy, Sammie. You know that.”_

_“I’ll be fine. Just go do your thing.” I rolled over, turning away from him._

_“Eddie wasn’t doing anything, Sammie.” Stone’s remark grated on my nerves, and I clutched the pillow tighter against my head. “He’s a jackass, but he had good intentions. Maybe you should go talk to him?”_

_“The time for talking was years ago. He’s never been honest about a damn thing, and I’m tired of being the one.” I swallowed hard, willing my resolve to stay in place. “I’m done playing his games. Once you’re gone, I’m leaving.”_

_“Where are you going?” I remember thinking how resigned Stone's voice was, how final it was.  It was almost like he didn't care...or maybe he was tired of it all, too._

_“I don’t know. Away from Seattle. Away from this country. Anywhere but here, I’m going.”_

_“And just leave it all unsettled for another 10 years?”_

_I jerked my head to glare at him angrily. “No. I’m done playing games with him. I’ve wasted enough time on him. He can go fuck himself for all I care.” I slammed the pillow down on my head, trying to drown Stone out. “Please just go away and leave me alone.”_

_The door to my room closed, and I looked up from under the pillow. I was a little shocked that Stone had actually gone. For three days now, he’d been trying to get me to see Eddie. To talk to Eddie. To listen to Eddie. For three days, I’d resisted. The fact that Stone had also seemed to give up made it a little harder._

_I don’t know why, but it did._

* * *

 

My clock read 9:18pm. I pulled the pillow back over my head for the eight-hundredth time and prayed that sleep would take me.  I was so damn exhausted. So tired, all the way into my bones. I knew I couldn't keep doing what I was doing -- _which was nothing, by the way_ \-- but I had no idea what I should be doing instead.  I knew in about 3 or 4 days, Eddie and Stone and the rest of the guys would be back.  If I was gonna leave, I needed to arrange it before they got back. I absolutely did not want to be here when they returned.  


	41. Chapter 41

“Hi.”

I blinked back at her.

At her...

_At Beth..._

**_That Beth._ **

I’d been awoken at almost 10:00Pm with a soft knock on the front door. I had just fallen asleep, and the knock jarred me back awake.  The insanely irrational part of me first thought that it might be Eddie, that he might have forewent the tour and thrown it all away to come beg my forgiveness.  Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and see his ex-wife standing there. I blinked back at her, my mouth not working just as much as my brain wasn’t.  

“I’m sorry to bother you, I just wanted to come talk to you before I left.” Beth wrung her hands nervously. “About the other day, at the cabin. I wanted to explain.”

I continued staring at her, completely at a loss for words. She smiled at me, and I was taken aback. She was still very, very pretty. _And why was she smiling at me?_

“I know it’s totally weird, and I get it, but I feel like I needed to explain. For everyone’s sake, okay?” She nodded at the door. “Can I come in? It’s cold out here.”

“Uh…uhm..yeah, sure,” I mumbled as I opened the door wider.  Beth walked in and I closed the door behind her.  She turned to me, smile still in place.  I stared back at her like an idiot. 

“Wanna sit down?” She nodded over at the couch. Still mute, I shrugged my shoulders, but followed her. When we were both sitting - her on the couch, and me on a recliner across from her- she began to talk.

“So, I’m Beth, but you probably know that already, right?” Beth’s voice was slightly high-pitched, and I was sure it was from nervousness.  I was just as nervous, if not more. 

“I do.” Mine was quiet, almost a hushed whisper. I stared at the ground in front of her feet. I couldn’t meet her eyes.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed, or ashamed, or feel guilty or whatever.”

My head snapped up at that, and for the first time, my own brown eyes met hers. Her smile faltered when she saw the heat in my eyes. 

“I _don’t_ feel guilty. Eddie did this, _not me._ ”

I watched as she - _as Beth_ \- folded her hands in her lap and settled back on the couch. She was smiling again, and not for the first time did I wonder what she was so happy about. I certainly didn’t feel like smiling. I actually felt like throwing up.  And I was even more pissed at Eddie for dragging me into this bullshit. _When would it end??_

“I take it you had no idea about me…and Eddie…about us?”

“I already said that, didn’t I?” I glared at her, aggravated and confused. _What kind of game was she playing?_ **_And why was she here, of all places??_** I didn’t want to talk to her, and I had no idea why she wanted to talk to me.

“Okay, Sammie, right? Look, I don’t wanna be rude, and I’m not here to cause problems. I’m here because I care about Eddie” — _she held up a finger to stop whatever was going to come out of my mouth—_ “but not like that. Not anymore.”

Even more aggravated and confused, I swallowed the nasty remark I was about to blurt out in regards to Eddie, and said nothing. I sat with the blanket wrapped around my body almost protectively, and waited for her to continue.

“So, I’ll just fast-forward to the other day. When you came over, and I was there, and it was all weird. I’ve been staying at Eddie’s for a while now - _his house, I mean_ \- not with him.” Beth pulled her leg up under her as she settled back on the couch. I felt myself relax a little at her words.  Just a little, but not enough.  Not yet.

“We did break up and divorce a while back, but we had been separated long before that.” Beth chuckled to herself as she plucked some lint off her jeans. “Honestly, we should have never gotten married. I know that now. Eddie knows that.  Hell, we knew it then, but we did it anyway. It was a habit, you know? I followed him from Chicago, and we just kinda went along with the tide. Big-ass mistake.”

“What do you mean?” I finally found my voice.

“I mean we shouldn’t have gotten married. We weren’t very good for each other. Both of us had fucked up childhoods, and I think we fed off each other. Maybe we tried to fix each other, I have no idea.” Beth looked up at me, her smile gentle. “Eddie told me about you, you know? He couldn’t live with it, he said. The lie, the lying to me. What’s funny is that him telling me that helped me be honest with him. I was also doing stuff I shouldn’t have been doing, behind his back. Especially not if you're married, you know?  It was a relief to be able to be honest with him.”

“When did he tell you this?” My heart was thumping loudly in my chest, skipping around erratically as my breath became shallow. 

“It’s been a few years, actually. I can’t remember the exact date, but it was long before we divorced. Why we hung on for so long, I have no idea. I didn’t want to be with him, and he wanted to be with you.” Beth gave an easy shrug. “I told him to go after you. I told him not to wait so long, but you know Eddie. Always trying to clean up other people’s messes. He’s always been that way. He carries people’s shit with him, as if he were the one to make all the messes.”

“I obviously don’t know Eddie that good, then,” I muttered as I pulled the blanket around my shoulders. Beth’s eyes met mine, her brows drawn together in disbelief.  

“I think you know him better than you think you do.”

“You’d be surprised how little I know about him.” My voice had taken on a hard edge as I thought about the truth in my statement.  The list was never-ending it seemed, and growing longer by the minute...

“Eddie is a hard man to know, Sammie. Even harder to love.  He’s ridiculously deep, and he keeps to himself. I would bet that you know as much about him as I do, and I’ve known him for a very long time. That’s saying a lot, don’t you think?”

“Why were you at his house?” My question was blunt, straight to the point. Enough of the filler - _I needed answers._

“I just got out of rehab and needed somewhere to stay. Eddie, of course, believes that he’s the one to blame for my addiction. I’ve told him repeatedly that it has nothing to do with him, and to be honest, it’s kinda aggravating that he’s so hell-bent on thinking it does.  My addiction was my problem, and he did nothing to make it worse, or create it, or whatever his silly ass thinks.  Likewise, my recovery is mine, not his.” Beth pulled her leg out from under her, and reached in her purse. She tossed a scrap of paper on the coffee table, and nodded down at it.

“What's that?” I eyed the scrap of paper warily, and though my desire to see what it was was overwhelming, I made no move to get it.

“My discharge papers from rehab. I was there for almost 6 months. Over in Silverdale. I’m moving back to Chicago, and needed somewhere to stay until my apartment was ready. Eddie offered, and I originally declined but then it came to a point where I had nowhere to go, so there I was. Eddie stayed at some hotel as far as I know.  He never really told me, and I never really asked.” Beth leaned forward, her dark eyes intent as she gazed at me. “We haven’t been together in years, Sammie. Even before we divorced, it had been years before that, and I was already seeing someone else. He’s waiting for me in Chicago.” Beth’s voice took on a wistful tone that had me looking at her curiously. Could she be telling the truth?

_It was so damn hard to know!_

My emotions started to get the better of me, and my goddamned lower lip started doing that thing it does when I was getting ready to cry, and I quickly looked away to hide it. Out the window, doing my best to not break down in front of this woman; I stared as hard as I could, focusing on anything but her.

“Why are you here?” I couldn’t keep the sadness — _the bitterness_ — out of my voice. I had been jealous of this woman for so damn long, so fucking long. And here she was, trying to explain it all away. _How was I supposed to feel?_

“Because I will always love Eddie, just not in the way that you love him. He’s like a brother to me. I’ll always want the best for him, no matter what it is. And I think you’re it, Sammie.”

I wiped at my eyes, dashing away the tears as they started pooling in my lids.

“Eddie loves you Sammie. He might be stupid in how he goes about things, but it’s always been you. It’ll always be you for him. He’s one of those guys that falls hard and falls deep, and that’s where he’ll stay. He won’t move on, and if he ever did, it wouldn’t be with his whole heart. That’s who Eddie is. You have to know that.”

“Why wouldn’t he tell me all of this?” I used the blanket to wipe my face. Tears were rolling freely down my cheeks and I no longer cared.  I was a sad, pathetic mess, and I didn't care. 

“Would you have listened?”

I looked back at Beth, and again she was smiling. This time, I felt the corners of my mouth lift in a regret-filled smile of my own.  I knew she was right. 

“Probably not. We don’t really talk, it seems.”

Beth laughed, a genuine belly laugh, and I will admit that I laughed a bit as well. A nervous, uncomfortable laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

“That’s Eddie for you, Sammie. I mean, have you ever listened to his music? There is so much of you in the lyrics, how could you not know how he feels about you?” Beth stood and walked over to the coffee table.  She sat down on it, a mere few feet in front of me. “Eddie might not speak directly, but if you listen close enough, you’ll hear him talking. Through his music, through his actions, all of it. _That’s who he is, Sammie_.”

“I don’t even know what to say right now,” I wiped at my nose again. I really didn’t.   _What does one say to all of this?_

“Say that you’re gonna go talk to him, and you two will live happily ever after!”

I looked up, and Beth gave me an impish grin.  I couldn't contain the giggle-snort that escaped; her humor was infectious. 

“I don’t know about that happily ever after bit, but I might go talk to him.” I grinned back. I could feel the sadness leaving my body, the rage at his perceived wrongdoing starting to dissipate with the truth. I didn’t know where Eddie and I stood, but if I were to believe Beth, Eddie had not been playing me all along. Maybe he was just going about things the wrong way? _Maybe he didn’t know another way?_

“Do you mind if I give you a hug?” Beth stood and cautiously approached me. I shook my head, and stood, awkwardly holding the blanket around my shoulders.  
  
“I feel like I know you, he talks so much about you.  Eddie was right, you are beautiful.” Beth remarked as we wrapped our arms around each other. “I just want you both to be happy, okay?” She kissed me on my temple, and I, for whatever reason, didn’t want to let her go.  Two women - _who, by all logic and reasoning_ \- should probably hate each other, were bonding over a man. 

**_What the hell was wrong with me?_ **

The older woman leaned back and stared down at me. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine.” I stepped out of her embrace, sniffling as I wiped my nose again. Beth walked over to the couch and grabbed her purse; the keys jingled as she pulled them out.

“I’m gonna go, then. I feel like I’ve said enough. If you have any more questions, you can always give me a ring. Stone has my phone number.” Beth walked over to the front door and stood before it. “I’ll be out of Eddie’s house tomorrow. I'm gonna give you the keys, okay?” She pulled a few keys off the keychain and handed one to me. “It’s the spare. I have one, but I’ll leave it under the doormat when I go tomorrow.”

I followed her to the porch, and the two of us stood under the dim porch light. Rain was falling down, and the temperature was dropping as Seattle started to ice over. I wrapped the blanket around my shoulders to ward off the chill.

“So, until next time, good luck, I guess?” Beth zipped up her jacket and pulled her beanie down over her dark hair.

“I’m sorry for everything, Beth. I really am.” I was crying again, a mixture of relief, regret…and happiness. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would go down like this. _Never._

“You have nothing to apologize for. Stop saying you're sorry, and go get what you want.” Beth walked back over to me and hugged me again. “It’s life, and life is shitty sometimes. Happens to the best of us.” She rubbed her hands up and down my arms. “Just don’t waste what’s left of it, okay?”

I nodded in agreement. “I won’t. Thank you again.”

With one last final hug, Beth made her way down the steps and into her car. I watched until her taillights had disappeared before I went back in the house.  I walked back over to the new couch and fell down in an exhausted heap.  I turned the key over and over in my palm, wondering what the hell I was gonna do now? 

_Do I leave, like I planned on?_

_Or do I stay, and try to make it work with Eddie?_

Either way, I was risking my heart being broken again, and to be honest, I didn't know if I could handle it.


	42. Chapter 42

**My journal...December 8th, 2000, Houston, TX**

I didn’t get the chance to decide on whether to stay or go. The very next day, a little after 5 in the morning, I got a call from my mother, and the bottom fell out.

_He was sick_ , she said. It was cancer, and it had spread quick, and now he was in hospice. I started crying before I even hung up the phone. I was so damn pissed. Why now? _Of all the fucking time in the world, why would he get sick now??_

I landed in Houston late the following evening. Three days later, my dad was dead. Done. It was over. I still cringe when I think about how cowardly I was. I spoke to him by phone before I left Seattle. He said he was hurting, but that he felt like he was doing better. I told him that I would come see him.  He sounded happy when I told him that I was on my way. 

_I lied._

Oh, let me clarify, I went to see him in the nursing home where he was on hospice; it was the first thing I did once I left the airport. I even went inside and spoke to his nurse. She told me he was awake and able to see visitors. After hearing that, I remember feeling like the room was spinning, and I couldn’t breathe. I made up some half-assed excuse about forgetting something in my car, and ran outside. My face was strained with emotion that I could barely contain. Once outside, I hid myself on a bench tucked away in a corner, almost completely enveloped by bushes and shrubs. I sat there like a fucking coward. I sat there, knowing my dad was in there, and that this would probably be the last fucking time I ever saw him. And I just sat there, while he slowly died inside.

He passed away 3 days later.

That was it. Any hopes I had of reconciling with him were gone.  Just like that, it was over. I would never have to wonder if he might send a card, or if I might get a letter in the mail. I would never wonder if I would run into him in some random place. I would never wonder about the next fight, or the next time we might make up and try again. _That was it._ I was so fucking pissed. How fucking dare he wait so long? How fucking dare he get sick?

_How fucking dare he die?_

That was the first time I ever thought about killing myself. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t care if I lived, either. That night after leaving the nursing home, I drank myself into oblivion, and took sleeping pills. I didn’t care if I ever woke up. I sat alone on the floor of my kitchen, my legs crossed underneath me, and drank, and drank, and drank.  Somehow I survived that night.  The next time I attempted was the day I found out he'd passed away.  I don't even remember what I took that time, but I know it involved a bottle of Jack Daniels.  Apparently my mother found me on one of these occasions, and that got me a trip to the emergency room. They pumped my stomach, gave me the charcoal stuff. I got a catheter shoved down my throat. It was so damn embarrassing.  I was told that I was simultaneously throwing up, and shitting myself.  Glamorous, right?  I was a failure at everything. _Who fails at suicide?_   Apparently, I did. I wasn’t good enough to be his daughter, I wasn’t smart enough to kill myself…I couldn’t fix shit with Eddie.

For many days thereafter, both in the hospital and back at my apartment, tears leaked out and rolled down my cheeks; it joined the others in a wet spot that was steadily growing larger on my pillowcase. My heart was broken and I felt completely alone.  I needed Eddie so badly. He had been through this, he could help me. I needed him, but I was too afraid to call him. I’d left, and he’d not called me, so that was pretty telling as far as where we stood with each other.  He probably assumed I'd abandoned it all, abandoned us. I didn’t know if he’d talked to Beth.  I hadn’t heard from Stone. I was in my own little miserable world, and I was aware enough to realize I’d created most of it with my stubbornness and pride. Always waiting on someone else to make the first move, when had I given just a little indication of willingness, things might have been different. To this day, I don't know what the fuck I was waiting on.. _.or when I would have waited enough_.  Life was passing me back, year after year, and you always think you have more time, but in the end you just don't.  If I'd just made a decision - _any decision_ -things might have been different.  If I'd just tried, things might have been different. 

_Might have been different with my dad._

_Might have been different with Eddie._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering, this was an incredibly hard chapter to write, but I knew I needed to do it to get through it. Thanks to Sammie for shouldering the load...


	43. Chapter 43

**It was day 7 of hell.**

I’d not attended my father’s funeral - not because I didn't want to - but because he didn’t have one.  He had no money, so I, as his only child, had to sign papers allowing the funeral home to cremate him. I didn’t want to do that, I didn't want to be bothered; I didn’t want to face the facts.  I'd heard that one of my estranged aunts would pick up his ashes. It was all so damn surreal.  I couldn't handle it.  I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening. I wanted to pretend that none of it had ever happened. I just wanted to escape. I shoved my clothes into my suitcase, forcing them inside even as the zipper screamed in protest.  My one-way ticket was waiting at the airport; I just needed to get my ass there. 

**The doorbell rang.**

I thought about ignoring it, I did. But then I was worried that it might be my mother, and then she would call the cops if I didn’t answer. The cops would show, and it would be horrible and awkward.  I was still pissed at her. My dad dying the way he did was partially her fault, but I couldn’t deal with that yet. There were only so many crises that I could deal with at any given moment, and to be honest, I was trying not to deal with any of them.  I just wanted to leave.  

**_But now someone was ringing the fucking doorbell..._ **

I sighed as I made my to the front door, and without looking, I opened it.  Chris stared back at me, a sad smile on his face.

I immediately burst into tears, and he caught me just before I crumpled to the ground….

* * *

 

“How are you feeling?” Chris pushed some hair off my forehead.

“I don’t feel anything.” It was true, I was completely numb inside. I felt like I had been carved, like someone had cut me open and taken everything in me, had just removed it all, and now I was a shell.  A living, breathing shell that was just floating through life, living from one second to the next.

“Want me to get you something to eat?” Chris sat back in the chair he’d dragged over to my bed. I shook my head in disagreement.

“Not hungry.”

“You gotta eat, Sam,” Chris gently chided me. “You’ll feel better once you eat.”

“No, Chris, I won’t feel better when I eat. I won’t feel better if I sleep. I won’t feel better if I take a fucking shower. I’m not going to feel better, don’t you get that?” My eyes were gritty with dried tears, stinging and burning and bloodshot.  I didn't know if I could cry any more.  I felt dehydrated, and dry, and cracked, and spent.  

“Well, you don’t get to just give up, Sam.” Chris stood up and walked to the bed. “Scoot.” He nudged my shoulder, and I did as he asked. He crawled in beside me and pulled me against his chest. I blinked a few times, trying to get my eyes to water; they were so raw. 

“I know that it’s hard right now. I do. But you can’t just give up.” Chris ran a hand up and down my arm before hugging me tight. “Too many people care about you, Sammie. Too many people love you.”

“It hurts so bad,” I whispered as my eyes filled with tears again.  Chris hugged me tighter.

“I know it does. And it probably will for a while, but this is not the end, okay? I care about you, and your mom cares about you, and Stone, and Ava, and Jeff, and Mike…and Eddie. Eddie loves you Sammie, he really does.”

I stiffened against him.

“I’m sorry about what I did, Sammie. I should have never done that, and I know it was so stupid. You can’t help who you love, and I should have never interfered. I’ve talked to Eddie, and I’ve apologized to him.” Chris chuckled, the vibration rumbling through his chest. “We almost got in a fight.  Can you believe that? That fucker.”

Despite my sadness, I cracked a smile at the thought of Eddie and Chris fighting.

“I had to hold myself back, didn’t wanna bust up his pretty face, you know.”

“Eddie would have won.” I giggled. Chris lifted his head to stare down at me, and I had to stifle my laughter at his disgusted look. 

“I would have beat his ass, Sammie.  Sorry to break your heart, but that’s how it would have gone down.” Chris sighed, but lay back down.  I continued to giggle; wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. “By the way, what the hell happened with Grohl?”

“What?” I lifted my head this time to look up at my cousin. “What are you talking about?”  Unease started rising deep in my belly, and my heart began pounding against my ribs as I jumped to a million different conclusions. 

“When we talked, Ed was going on about some nonsense with you and Grohl. I told him to come down here and visit you, and he said that he thought you might be with Grohl, and that he didn’t wanna bother you. Not with your dad and all.”  Chris ran a hand over his face.  “I told him he was fucking crazy, but he was pretty damn sure that something was going on with you and Grohl. Ever since that fight that Dave and Ed got in over you, Ed’s always thought you had something for Dave. Dave never helped matters, either. That fuckin’ mouth of his, always taunting Ed and cracking jokes.”  Chris chuckled again, and shook his head as he recalled the tension between Eddie and Dave. 

“Oh god.” I sat up, feeling nauseous again. _“Oh god.”_ Unless Dave had told Eddie, how would he know about the kiss?  A horrible realization hit me: what if Eddie had seen us on the porch? **_Oh god._**

Chris sat up as well. “What? What’s wrong?”

“Dave kissed me on the porch on Thanksgiving. We went out to the movies, Dave and me, and Stone and Ava, and afterward Dave kissed me on the porch. Twice. I mean, I kissed him back, but I didn’t mean anything. _Oh god._ ” I crawled off the bed, nearly tripping in the sheets as I scrambled to the phone. I quickly dialed Stone’s number. No answer.

"You kissed Dave?"  Chris's voice was heavy with disbelief.  "Like for real, for real?"  

“Where the fuck are they?” Ignoring his question, I turned to Chris. I was frantic. “God, Chris! Where are they?”

“They’re playing a few shows in and around Washington. Last minute thing. Why?” Chris was pulling his boots back on. “If you tell me what’s going on, I can help, maybe.  Why the hell did you kiss Dave?”

“Oh my god!! Does it matter why?  It was a mistake, but I think Dave told Eddie, or Eddie saw us kissing on the porch. Or something!” I sat down on the floor in front of my dresser, my phone clutched against my chest. “God. He probably thinks…I don’t even know what he thinks. _Oh my god._ That's probably why he didn't come after... _oh my fucking god!”_

Chris walked over to me and sat down beside me on the floor. I looked over at him, my eyes wide with panic.

“Tell me what to do, Chris. _What do I do?_ What am I supposed to do?”

“Get your ass on a plane, and go to Seattle.”  He rubbed his chin thoughtfully as he cut his eyes at me.  "And don't kiss Grohl ever again. Never, ever." 

“I can’t do that, just get on a plane,” I mumbled as I stared down at my lap. _God…_

“Why? You were about to get your ass on a plane and fly off to God knows where. Why not go to Seattle, wait for Eddie, and see what happens?”

“He’s probably so sick of me, oh my god.” Why was everything so fucked up? _Why was I so fucked up?_ "And I did kiss Dave, and I think Eddie knows or he saw or something." 

“He’s definitely not sick of you, I know that.” Chris bumped my shoulder with his. “Just go, Sammie. I wasn’t down with you two in the beginning, but I can admit when I was wrong. You make him happy. I think he makes you happy. You’re both just too stupid to realize that.  Or hard-headed, I don’t know.” Chris’s voice lowered. “Besides, you need Eddie right now. He needs you. You can get through all this shit together.”

"But I kissed Dave."  I closed my eyes and dropped my head back against the dresser.  

"So?   _Eddie got fuckin' married._  And divorced.  You both fucked up. A lot."  Chris smirked at me, and I wanted to punch him in his handsome face.  

"You know, I'm still mad at you. And I'm gonna be mad at you for a long time."  I stood up and started rummaging for clothes.   Beside me, Chris laughed out loud as he stood.  

"I'm your favorite cousin, and I talked to Eddie, and so now I think we're even."   His blue eyes were dancing with humor, and my glare faltered as I looked over at him.  He was another that I could never stay mad at, damn him.  I snorted as I grabbed some things and threw them in my now empty suitcase.  I would have to pack very different clothing if I was going back to Seattle.  

"We can fly back together, huh?"  Chris shoved his hands in his pockets.  "I gotta get back up there anyway. What do I need to do?"  He looked around, surveying the mess that was my room. 

I stopped what I was doing and turned to Chris.  "I owe you, for real.  I have been really, really depressed, and I did some stupid stuff in the past few days, and I might have done something else that was stupid if you hadn't come."   

"Don't get all sappy on me, Sammie."  Chris walked over and pulled me into a hug. "Pack your shit, we got a plane to catch." 

  


	44. Chapter 44

**December 16th, 2000 - Seattle**

I stared into the small bathroom mirror and poked at my face, wondering what more I could do to make myself look presentable. There wasn’t much. I felt nauseous, and couldn’t eat anything but crackers. I’d taken a few drinks of Pepto, but even that didn’t really help. I just felt gross, and bloated, and disgusted.  The only thing that helped was laying down. Using my fingertips,  I pulled the skin down by my eyes, grimacing at my reflection staring back at me.  I looked as bad as I felt, and I was still very, very sad and depressed. I grabbed a bottle of water and made my way back to the small bed.

_Eddie’s bed._

Blushing from head to toe, I climbed in and lay down. I don’t know why I was still embarrassed; this was the second night I’d slept in _his_ bed, wrapped in _his_ blankets and sheets. His pillow smelled like him, the blankets smelled like him. The whole damn place smelled like him, and that at least brought me some comfort. I snuggled into the bed, and hooked a pillow under my leg. The rain continued to fall outside, pelting the windows, a mixture of slushy ice that was coating the ground and trees. It was definitely winter in Seattle. And I definitely had the flu or something.  It was just my luck, too...

I’d only been back in Seattle for two days now, and I’d convinced Chris to take me to Eddie’s place so that I could wait for him there. I also had Chris take me to buy groceries before arriving, and after restocking the small fridge with things I thought Eddie liked to eat, I’d spent the entire day cleaning the mess that was Eddie’s house. _And a mess it was._ It looked like he’d emptied out all the drawers and thrown things on the floor before packing, leaving mounds and mounds of stuff everywhere.  I'd gone through and cleaned it all up, putting stuff away where I thought it might go.  Piles of clothes were shoved in the hamper; balled up pieces of paper that I couldn’t bring myself to open - _or throw away_ \- were now safely tucked into a drawer on his small desk. His meager dishes had been washed, and a few towels had been folded. I’d really just kinda rearranged the mess, rather than cleaned it. I didn’t want to just get rid of stuff before he had a chance to go through it, and I certainly didn’t want to snoop through his things.

Now that it was all clean for the most part, and everything put away, I could feel the depression and unease creeping in. I wondered if I’d done the right thing, and I couldn’t lie - part of me wanted to call Chris and have him come get me, and take me back to his place. I could just play it safe with Eddie that way. But I’d not called yet. In fact, I’d gone one step further in my insane plan and slipped into one of Eddie’s dirty tee-shirts. One of his old Nirvana tees had been laying in a discarded pile next to his bed, and it smelled like him, and damn if I couldn’t resist putting it on. _It was the second night that I was sleeping in that dirty Nirvana tee-shirt._

It had made me feel both wonderfully content and maddeningly anxious - all at the same time. I had to force images of him and Beth out of my mind repeatedly. I didn’t know if she was telling me the truth. **I didn’t.** I had her side of the story, and Chris and Stone seemed to back it up, but still. I had to hear it from Eddie, and even then, I had to decide to trust him or not. I felt like I was constantly going out on a limb for him, constantly baring my heart to him, and he’d repeatedly shit on it. Did I trust Eddie? _Nope_. Did I love him? **_Absolutely._   **With every bit of my jealous, anxious, pissed-off little heart, I loved him.

**And therein lay the problem.**

I didn't know if loving him was worth it anymore. I couldn't live with all this drama, and fighting, and unease.  I didn't even know if Eddie knew about Dave, or what he knew about Dave, or what he thought he saw that night, if he saw anything that night! Fuck! It was so much to untangle, and now it was even worse. We were no longer that naive little couple 10 years ago; the band had grown, I had grown, Eddie had grown.  He'd been married. I had a seriously-fucked up relationship with James.  My dad died.  Eddie got divorced. It was all so fucked up. _And did I mention how big Pearl Jam was now?_

With as popular as Pearl Jam was now, I knew it was only gonna get worse.  Especially when the fans found out about me.  Chris had warned me about that.  He'd told me how clingy the female fans were, how harsh they could be.  How they picked-apart Beth, and any other girl they thought Eddie might be with. _Was I ready for that_ , he'd asked.   **God.**  My stomach roiled again in protest at my thoughts, and I groaned out loud. _How does one get ready for that? **Was that worth it??**_

"Fuck," I moaned as I rolled over on my side in an attempt to to soothe my queasy stomach.   _What the fuck was wrong with me???_

Confused, and nervous, and stressed the fuck out, I lay there, staring at the red lights of the alarm clock as they blinked back at me.  Over in the corner, the small television was playing softly in the dark room, giving me just enough noise to not go insane.  I closed my eyes and prayed that sleep would take me.  I couldn't live like this, being this stressed out and worried all the time. _I couldn't do it.  I wouldn't do it._   Laying there in that dim room, that eerily quiet room, I made the decision.  I knew what I was going to do:

_Eddie was gonna have to be straight up with me, or that was gonna be it.  Even if my heart was ripped out, and it nearly killed me, that was gonna be it.  I couldn't keep doing this any longer._

_I refused._


	45. Chapter 45

I sat up, my heart pounding against my ribs as I heard the front door open and then close. _I swear I just fell asleep not five minutes ago!_  I looked over, and saw that it was after 3am. The sound of the lock being locked echoed loudly in the small cabin.  A grumbled **"fuck"** came after a loud crash into what I assumed was that awkward coffee table set in the middle of the tiny living room. I pulled the blanket up around my neck as I started to shake, the sound of heavy footsteps across the wooden floors getting closer and closer. Finally the door to the bedroom opened.  The light flicked on, and I blinked up as the harshness assaulted my eyes. Not a hundred percent, but feeling a little better;  I still felt nauseous, but I forced the nasty taste back down as I swallowed hard. 

_He was home._

__

_“What the…”_ Eddie’s words died off as he took in the sight before him, his mouth falling open in shock. He smiled for a just a moment; it disappeared as quickly as it came.  His face was bearded, his hair tucked up in some kind of plaid, beanie-hat thing.  He looked like a damn angel, and I almost smiled back.  I wanted to, but I couldn't get my face to work.  I couldn't do much but stare at him like an idiot. 

“Hi,” I finally managed to mumble. I self-consciously pulled the blanket up around my chest, and even though I was covered to my neck, I felt completely bare as Eddie stared at me. His big blue eyes were wide, and wary; he was clearly at a loss for words at finding me in his bed.

“Sammie.” He dropped his bags on the floor next to his feet and pulled his hat off.  A mess of almost-shoulder length hair tumbled out, still wet from the rain. “Is everything okay?”

Still watching me carefully, he leaned against the wall, his hands shoved down deep in his pockets.  I was waiting for him to cross his arms over his chest, or something; he looked so uncomfortable.  He was maybe 10 feet away but it felt like miles stretched between us. Ughhh...My head was throbbing even harder, my stomach turning angrily. I reached over and grabbed the water bottle and took a sip, my hands shaking all the while as my brain scrambled to catch up. 

“I dunno.” I set the bottle back down, and began nervously twisting the blanket with my fingers. This had sounded like such a good idea, but now it felt impossible. I had no idea what to say to him, or where to start. _And I still felt like shit._

“I’m sorry about your dad.” Eddie’s voice was filled with regret. “I would have come if I thought you wanted me there.” _And sadness._ Regret and sadness thickened his voice, and I felt my throat painfully constrict at his words.

“I did want you there.” It was barely above a whisper. “I did, but I was too afraid to call you.” I looked up at him, and saw that his eyebrows were drawn together, that ever-present crease in place. Eddie pushed off the wall, walked over, and sat down at the end of the bed.  

 _Still miles away._  
  
“I’m still sorry, I should have been there.” He wasn’t looking at me; it felt like he wasn’t talking to me. I still felt like we were so, so far apart, and I wanted to touch him, I really did, but I just couldn’t do it.

“What did you see that night?” My voice was shaky. _I was shaky._ I dug my nails into the blanket as I waited for his answer.

“What night?” Eddie rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. I knew he was still very much uncomfortable, but I also knew we both needed answers. That had to be taken care of before anything else.

“That night. Thanksgiving. I talked to Chris, he said you saw…that you saw…me and—”

“That I saw you and Dave kissing on Stone’s porch? Yeah I saw that.” Eddie interrupted me, his jaw ticking jaw as he brought his hands down and gripped the edge of the bed. I could see his knuckles turning white, and I knew he was getting mad.  “I sat in my car like a jackass and watched you kiss him. _Yeah, I fuckin' saw that._ ” His foot started tapping angrily.

“I know _'I’m sorry'_ doesn’t cut it, but I am. It just kinda happened, and I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did, and I’m sorry. I was mad at you for acting weird, and I was stupid.” I reached out to touch his shoulder, but Eddie flinched away from me.  Feeling completely rejected, I retreated back to my spot.  

“You know, I shouldn’t even be mad, all things considered.” Eddie stood up and walked over to the window. His back was tensed, his hands shoved angrily in his pockets. “Hell, I should probably thank Grohl.”

“What does that mean?”  My eyes narrowed at his back.  

“It means he’s better for you. He’s always been better for you. I knew that from the beginning. It’s why I couldn’t fucking stand him.” Eddie let out a harsh chuckle. “Fuck, anyone would be better than me.”

“Can you just stop, already?”  I couldn't hide the frustration in my voice.  My stomach did another flip-flop, and I fought back the urge to vomit.  

“Stop what?” Eddie whirled around, and I cringed.  He was angrier than I’d seen him in a long time. _Maybe ever._ It scared me, yet made me mad — all at the same time. Made me want to fight. Made me want to fight with him.   _How fucking dare he?_  I lifted my chin, my lips curled in a smirk.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Stop pretending like you’re so bad, so wrong for me, like you’re such a horrible person.   _Just. Stop. Already._   Nobody believes your bullshit but you.” One side of my mouth curved up in a mocking smile. “Hell, I don’t even think you believe the shit that comes out of your own mouth.”

Eddie’s eyes narrowed, and I knew he was trying to figure out what the hell was going on.  Emboldened by his response - _or lack thereof_ \- I continued on. 

“You keep fucking up, doing stupid shit, yet here we all are, right? _We all come back._ Doesn’t that fucking tell you something? None of us have deserted you yet!”

“You don’t know what it’s like to be in my head, Sammie. You really don’t.” Eddie dropped his head and looked down at his feet. He sounded resigned to his fate, defeated almost; I could see him sinking back into that well of self-pity and hatred that he was so fond of. _Not this time,_ I thought to myself. **_Not this time._**

“No, I don’t know what goes on in your head. I wish I fucking knew, ‘cause then I could help you! But you won’t talk to me! You won’t let me in, Eddie!”

 _“In my head?”_ Eddie’s head jerked up as he leveled his icy blue eyes on me. “What a fuckin’ joke. You don’t know what it’s like to be me, or the shit that goes on up here!"  He jammed a finger at his temple.  "None of you know, none of you wanna know…”  Eddie shook his head dismissively and turned around again to face the window, his shoulders slumped. I felt my cheeks redden with anger.

_He was im-fucking-possible. Fucking infuriating man!!_

'Impossible' wasn’t even an adequate description of him! Hell, he was almost convincing _me_ that I needed to pack my bags and leave. **_God!_ ** I was beyond sick of this shit with him! Short of slapping him upside the head, I had no idea what I had to do to get through to him, and it was getting tiresome. I was so damn frustrated, and all I wanted to do was give up!! I wanted to grab my shit and march my ass right out that damn door...

 _But…I loved him._  

I stared at his back, at the slumped shoulders and defeated posture, and realized that truth was more true than it ever had been.  I loved him. 

_All of him._

All the stolen pieces and missing parts, all of it; I loved it all.

I loved him.

I never realized how much until I saw him now, at this very moment,  not as the singer, and not as the world famous voice, but as the man. The broken man, the selfishly selfless man - _who by his own doing to some huge extent_ \- insisted on carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and on his shoulders alone. Why couldn’t he see his worth, why couldn’t he see what the rest of us saw in him? _Why was he so damn frustrating and hard-headed and stubborn?_ I wanted to walk over to him and slap him, and kiss him, and everything in-between.  I forced myself to speak softly, to speak gently.  With love, I forced myself to try again. 

“Look, Eddie, I don’t know what it’s like to be you. I get that."  

Eddie snorted, which only served to piss me off.  I felt my heart speed up as a burst of anger coursed through my veins. 

"Just like you don’t know what it’s like to be me! But there’s one thing you need to get through your thick skull: you don’t have a specific set of problems that are unique to only you, just because you’re some fucking singer in some fucking band! Everyone has problems, we all have problems. But I love you - _all of you_ \- even the fucked up parts. I have loved you for way too long, probably longer than you deserve. And that’s what we’re here for. That’s why I’m here again. That’s why I came back. That’s why the guys haven’t left the band yet. But you don’t get it, or you don't want to get it, I don’t fucking know! So just feel sorry for yourself, and be pathetic, but do it somewhere else! Why don’t you just take your pitiful ass back to the the couch! **_Fuck!”_**   Knowing that I’d escalated it to a crazy level due to Eddie’s stonewalling, I threw my hands up in frustration, crawled off the bed,  and marched towards the small TV stand to grab my things.

 _If he wouldn’t leave, then I would._  

And that's what I was gonna do - _leave_ \- but because I couldn't do anything gracefully in my highly agitated state, I tripped over the edge of the blanket; my yelp of fear was loud as I almost fell down. The blanket, now ripped from my body, pooled at my feet. Feeling his gaze on me, I looked up and saw Eddie’s eyes darken as he took in the sight of me standing there, wearing nothing but his old Nirvana tee-shirt. He took a step forward, and I took a step back;  I clumsily tripped over the blanket **_a-fucking-gain_**. He stalked towards me, as if I were some prey that he was toying with;  I felt my breath quicken as my heart started pounding with adrenaline. 

“Some fuckin' singer, huh?” Eddie’s voice was thick and gravelly as he approached. I stopped when the back of my knees hit the bed.

“Yeah,” I whispered, trying desperately to keep the tremor out of my voice. “Just a fuckin’ singer, in a fuckin’ band, with the same fuckin’ problems that everyone else fuckin’ has.” I swallowed hard when Eddie stopped, his chest mere inches from mine. His hand came up, and he gripped my chin with his fingers, possessively tilting my head back, forcing my mouth up toward him. 

“Don’t you remember what happens when you talk like that?” His thumb passed over my lower lip, causing my mouth to fall open. I couldn’t control the shiver that rolled over my body, nor could I quiet the small whimper that escaped;  Eddie’s blue eye’s darkened at the sound. “Or when you make little noises like that.”

Eddie’s hand slid down my jaw and to my neck, and I felt my stomach drop when he wrapped his fingers around the base of my throat and again tilted my head back, this time with his thumbs at my jaw. I closed my eyes as his lips came to rest against that spot where my heart was beating erratically under my skin.  Amazingly, my nausea was gone, replaced with an altogether welcome feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. 

“It drives me fuckin’ insane when you talk like that,” his words were a warm hum against my skin. Feeling my heart sing with happiness, I clutched at his shoulders, desperately holding him so that I wouldn’t fall… _and maybe so he wouldn’t disappear._   His mouth, wet and hot, traveled down my collarbone as he grabbed a handful of my shirt.  “I like this shirt, too, by the way.” His free hand traveled around to my waist and tugged at the hem.

“I had nothing to wear, I’m sorry,” I groaned as he reached up under my shirt and ran his thumb along the underside of my breast. The cool air caused goosebumps to break out all over my skin.

“ _Nothing_ is a good fuckin’ look on you, babe.” Eddie pulled the tee-shirt up and over my head, and tossed it on the floor.

His eyes never leaving mine, his hands traveled over my ribs, and around to my back where he easily unhooked my bra. He pulled it off, and pushed it down my arms;  I self-consciously crossed my arms over my chest, and I could feel the blush spreading across my upper body.  Eddie pushed my hands down to my sides, and then cupped my cheeks with his warm hands and pulled me up as he kissed me, claiming me as his, before releasing me and taking a step back. I watched, eyes heavy with lust, as I waited to see what came next.  I covered my breasts with my hands, the earlier argument forgotten, as I watched him kick off his boots, and step out of his socks. He pulled his belt from his jeans and tossed it on the floor.   I nibbled on my lower lip as I watched him pop the button on his jeans. 

"Eyes up here, woman," Eddie grinned.  I dragged my eyes up his body, blushing from head to toe yet again.  Still grinning, Eddie pulled his shirt over his head, and I gazed at his chest as moved towards me.  He was thinner than last I remembered, and this made me sad. It had only been weeks since we’d seen each other _. Why was he so thin?_ At my expression, he cocked his head to the side, and gave me a lopsided grin.

“What’s wrong?” He stood before me, naked from the waist down, and placed his hands on my upper arms. Still clutching my breasts with one hand, I ran a finger down the center of his chest, tracing patterns in the dark hair that dusted his skin. I stopped right at the waistband of his unbuttoned pants.  

“You’re so skinny.” I flipped my hand over and ran it back up his stomach and chest. His muscles bunched and jerked as I touched him.

“I need you around to fatten me up,” Eddie murmured as he leaned down and planted a sweet kiss at my neck. I shivered, my skin breaking out in goosebumps at that simple touch. I tried to wrap my arms around his neck, but Eddie pushed them back down to my sides, forcing my breasts to jut out and just barely touch the bare skin of his chest.  

“All this needs to go.” He hooked a finger in the waistband of my panties and pushed them down my thighs.

He knelt before me and almost reverently ran his hands down my legs as he dragged my panties off. I stepped out of them, watching the top of his dark, curly head, and I swear I almost died when he planted a kiss right below my navel, and wrapped his arms around my body as he hugged me tight. Before I had time to think - or do anything else - he’d stood back up and pulled me flush against his chest, and was hugging my tightly again. My nipples hardened almost painfully as my breasts flattened against him.  I wrapped my arms around his neck, and I almost started crying. _I was so damn relieved to be back in his arms!_

“I love you,” I mumbled against his neck as I held him to me. I felt him smile against my cheek, and my heart smiled again.

“I love you, too, babe.” He pushed me down on the bed and crawled over me. “I’m sorry, Sammie. I know I’m pathetic, and I’m needy, and whiny, and…and I’m just sorry.”

“You are pathetic, and whiny, and very needy, but I love you. All of you.” I leaned up and kissed him on his chin. “And I need you, more than you know.”

"What do you need, sweetie?"  Eddie nuzzled my neck, dragging his bearded chin all over my sensitive skin. I could feel the delicious burn as he chafed me, and I squirmed underneath him.  I pushed at his shoulders, trying to force him where I wanted him as I rolled my hips suggestively.  

"Eddie, please," I whined. _Who was the pathetic, needy one now?_ I wrapped my legs around him, trapping him as I undulated my crotch against the rough fabric of his jeans.  Eddie chuckled as he untangled my legs from about his waist.  I lay there, panting, biting my lip and twisting my fingers in the blanket, as Eddie took his jeans and boxers off.  I opened my legs wider, inviting him in, but Eddie had other plans.  

“Come here, you,” Eddie growled as he pulled me up with him. He maneuvered us so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed and he pulled me down to straddle his bare thighs.  I could feel his hard cock pressed against that aching spot between my legs, and I did my best to try to get him where I needed him, but Eddie held me back with a hand at my hip.

“Oh god!” I gasped as he leaned me back and placed his hot, wet mouth at my nipple. He suckled me, tugging and licking, biting and soothing, back and forth between each breast, until I was nearly out of my mind with need. I squirmed on his lap, unable to prevent myself from rolling my hips against him. I could feel his erection, could feel the hot heat pressed against my soaking, wet core. I clawed at his back, scratching him with my short nails.

“So you did miss me, huh?” Eddie released my breast in favor of kissing a line from my sternum to my neck. “Was wonderin’ if you did.”

“Eddie! I swear to god!! Please stop talking!” I whined as I grabbed the back of his head. I stared into his eyes;  blue eyes, hazy with lust and quite a bit of humor, stared back at me. “I need you.”  I leaned forward and tried to capture his mouth with mine, but Eddie - _damn him!_ \- pulled back again. 

“Well, you're gonna have to wait, sweetie,” Eddie chuckled as he turned us so that he could put me back on the bed.  He crawled over me, dragging his lips down my body. He stopped at my breasts again, roughly licking my nipples a few more times before he continued. When his tongue swirled into my navel, I arched my back, unable to help myself.  Eddie pushed me back down with a hand at my chest.

“Be still.” The order was quiet, forceful, and sexy as all fucking hell.  I lay back, trying desperately to calm myself down. To be still...

 _“Fuck!"_  I arched up off the bed again when I felt Eddie run a finger down the inside of my thigh.  He came dangerously close to _touching me there,_ his fingers just barely skimming the outer edges of my labia. I lifted my head to glare down at him.  He arched an eyebrow, his blue eyes darker than I’d ever seen them, and stared back up at me from his spot between my legs.  I don't think I'd ever seen anything more erotic in my entire life. 

“Want me to stop?” He ran a single finger down the length of my pussy, dragging the wetness with his rough finger.  I could feel it seeping out, could feel it dribbling down the back of my thighs with each throb.  

"Please don't stop," I breathlessly begged him.  Please...just... _AH GOD!"_ I bowed up off the bed as he placed his mouth over me, and began sucking.  I felt like he was trying to lick me clean, and all I could do was roll my hips in an effort to get closer.  With one long lick from my top to bottom, he released me, and I sagged against the mattress in a short-lived reprieve.  I grunted when he shoved two thick fingers inside me, and I nearly sobbed when I felt his mouth descend on my clit, his tongue flicking at that tiny nub of pleasure.  

"God!" I cried as I convulsed around his fingers, my pussy contracting over and over again.  Eddie continued, drawing out each shudder, each jerk of my hips, each last bit of pleasure that he could.  When I could take no more, I reached down and grabbed a fistful of his hair.   

" _Ple...please!!_ " I shuddered again as he licked me once more.  He slowly withdrew his fingers, and made his way back up my body.   He nestled himself between my legs, gently rolling his hips against my still-throbbing groin as he nuzzled my neck.  

"My turn," Eddie huskily whispered.

He reached down and grabbed his cock, rolling just the head against my clit as he teased me again and again. I could feel myself winding up, could feel my body preparing for him again.  I whimpered and clutched at his shoulders, and when Eddie finally pushed himself inside me, I nearly screamed with relief. He was hot, and hard - silken steel - and I felt like he had filled me up completely.  My pussy was throbbing around his cock, each involuntary clench drawing him in deeper and deeper, and I knew I was just barely holding back another toe-curling orgasm. He slid all the way in, before pulling out again, leaving just the tip inside my entrance. My thighs trembled on either side of him, as he slowly slid in once more. Each slow, tortuous thrust was winding me up, higher and higher as I fought my next release.  I was so exhausted, I didn't think I could take it, but Eddie was in charge;  he owned me, body and soul, and he was running this show.  I had no choice but to surrender to him again, and I let my legs fall open in invitation.   

“Eddie,” I gasped at his ear. My eyes were closed, I was frantic, I was delirious with need as I writhed underneath him. “I’m not gonna make it… _please_ … _Oh god!”_ I screamed as he pulled out of me again, leaving me feeling agonizingly empty. I could feel my pussy contracting at the loss of him; it was almost painful how bad I needed him!  Eddie roughly pushed my legs apart, opening me wider as he pulled me to him, his fingers biting into the skin of my thighs. He’d situated himself so that he was sitting on his knees, and he pulled me up, positioning me so that I was wide open to him.  My ass was lifted, resting on his thighs, and I shivered again as he used his thumbs to rub lazy circles around the junction of my thighs.

“You are so fuckin’ hot, Sammie. _God damn_.”

My hips lifted involuntarily as he drew closer to my pussy, each tickle of his fingertips bringing him closer and closer. My breathing was labored, ragged with desire. When Eddie finally pressed the tip of his thumb against my clitoris, I felt a new wave of liquid pour out of me, the warmth seeping down the back of my thighs again and soaking the bed.

“You are so fuckin’ wet. _God fucking damn it_.” Eddie’s voice was husky, low and almost a growl as he rolled his thumb around my clit again. Slow circles, the rough pad of his thumb stretched me tighter and tighter as he played my body like one of his instruments.  

“I’m gonna cum, Eddie,” I panted breathlessly. My eyes were clenched shut, my hips jerking wildly as I tried to find some relief. “I’m gonna… _oh fuck!”_

Eddie shoved two thick fingers inside me, all the while his thumb continued rolling my already-sensitive nub. His fingers inside me, his almost-painful ministrations against my clit, the fact that I was bare before him, the fact that he could so quickly get me to this point again — _it was all too much._

“Come on, baby,” he encouraged as he continued fingering me, forcing another orgasm from my body. “I wanna feel you cum on my fingers again. Come on, Sammie.” He crooked his fingers, beckoning them towards him as he rubbed against that spot deep inside me. My legs clenched against him as I started to cum, my vision going blurry as he continued his relentless onslaught. I swear to god I didn't know if I could take another one, I really didn't.   _He was gonna kill me..._

“That’s it, Sammie, just let go,” Eddie flicked at my clit again, forcing me into a screaming orgasm that I was not even remotely close to being ready for.

Over and over again, her circled my clit with his thumb, all the while his thick fingers were still deep inside, tugging at me, tapping on that spot that drove me wild as he drove me higher and higher.   With a strangled groan, I came hard, my pussy clamping down on Eddie’s fingers as my second orgasm ripped through me like a furious wave. My fingers twisted in the sheets as I bowed up off the bed, pushing myself against his fingers as I tried to take everything he was giving me. Eddie hummed low in his throat as I coated his fingers and thighs with wetness.  “ _Fucking yeah…fuck…fuck, holy fucking shit, Sammie!_ ”

Eddie barely gave me time to come down from my climax before he was pulling me to him.  My body was limp, spent and exhausted, as Eddie pulled me up into his lap, and helped me lower myself down onto his still rock-hard cock. I slid down on him, enveloping him,  my thighs trembling as he filled me again completely. Eddie wrapped his arms around me and started lifting me, helping me slide up and down.  He had to - there was no way I could do it - I was completely fucking exhausted.  

 _“Ah…god…fuck,_ ” Eddie groaned as he lifted me and slid me down his hard length;  each time he thrusted into me, each snap of his hips harder than the one before, stroked the fire that should have been extinguished now.

I dropped my head against his shoulder, my arms loosely draped around his sweaty shoulders, and my lips parted as I struggled to catch my breath. He was relentless, his cock persistent and determined as he pounded into me, over and over again.   Hard thrust in... long, achingly slow, dragging thrust out. Over, and over again, until I was nearly crying, begging for mercy and release.  I had never felt anything like this, had never been pushed this far, and all I could think was I was going to die.  I was going to die.  Eddie was literally going to fuck me to death, and I was gonna die, right here...right now...I was gonna die of pleasure overload.

"Ahhh!" I dropped my head back, my eyes closed and mouth opened, as Eddie shoved a hand between us and began fondling my clitoris again. _It was impossible._  There was no fucking way I could do it again...

"Sammie," Eddie grunted as he snapped his hip up into me, driving his cock further and further.  "Give it to me again."  He rolled his thumb against me, circling me as he did the impossible and drove me towards another orgasm.   _I was gonna die..._

"I'm not gonna stop until you cum again."  Eddie slammed into me, grunting with effort as he thrust upward.  "Cum for me, babe."   He rolled his thumb around my clit, pulling and tugging roughly.  

"Eddie!" I cried, my eyes filing with tears of frustration as my body succumbed to him again. _It was impossible._  I shattered against him, around him. _It was impossible._  My thighs clenched tightly around his, my pussy contracting again as I came.   _It was fucking impossible._  My body tensed, my nails dug into his shoulders as I struggled against him.  I wanted to get closer...and escape, all at once! 

"Ah fuck... _ah god... **fuck..**_." Eddie grunted against my chest as his cock twitched deep within me.  He stopped moving, his body becoming so still that I could feel the spurts of hot cum coating my walls as he filled me deep inside.  His fingers bruised my hips as he held me tight, his cock continuing to jerk and shudder as I milked him for every last drop.  

We collapsed on the bed, Eddie still buried deep inside me as he rested between my legs.  After a few moments, he wearily pushed himself up on his forearms, and stared down at me.  

"You okay?"  He leaned down and kissed me on the tip of my nose.  

"No. You almost killed me."  I couldn't even open my eyes to look at him as I mumbled those words. 

"I'll be sure to try to kill you again in a few hours," Eddie chuckled as he pulled out of me.   I didn't even bother to move, my legs still wide open as I dozed in and out of consciousness.

I thought I heard Eddie in the small bathroom, but I couldn't lift my head to see where he'd gone.  A few moments later, my eyes fluttered open when I felt Eddie clean me with a warm, wet rag, but before he was done, my eyes had closed again.  I couldn't keep them open now matter how hard I tried.  I vaguely felt the bed dip as he crawled back in beside me.  His kiss was just as whisper against my forehead as he pulled me to his chest, wrapped his arms around me, and covered us with the warm blanket.  The rain continued to fall outside the window, and I succumbed to an exhausted slumber, safely tucked against him.  

 

 


	46. Chapter 46

  
I pulled my knees up under my chin and continued watching him sleep. He was snoring softly, and I couldn’t help but smile at him. He was laying flat on his stomach, one arm clutching his pillow, and one spread across my side of the bed, almost as if he were reaching for me in his sleep. I smiled again at the silver lining that was Eddie...

I had been sitting in this chair for almost an hour now; it was the only place I found that offered some measure of relief for my stomach. I had no idea what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t shake the nausea that had reappeared earlier. It was that in-between feeling of wanting to throw up and not — all at the same time. I just felt gross.

“I’m cold without you,” Eddie’s muffled voice filled the silence. “Come back to bed.”

With a sigh, I crawled off the chair and made my way back over to the bed and slid in beside him. He wrapped an arm across my chest and pulled me closer.

“Why you dressed?” He kissed my neck, and I grimaced. I could smell his breath and it was doing nothing to help my stomach.

“I don’t feel good.” I turned, doing my best to take deep breaths and calm down.  Eddie, bless his heart, pulled me closer and did his best to snuggle in my neck. I tensed, and pulled out of his grasp. If I smelled his breath one more time, I was gonna throw up; I was about 100% sure of that.

“Are you okay?” Eddie asked, finally realizing I wasn’t playing around. I miserably shook my head. Now I felt like I wanted to cry.

“Sammie?” Eddie’s voice was tinged with concern as he peered over my shoulder. _“Are you okay?”_

Without answering him, I rolled out of the bed and ran to the bathroom just in time to throw up. I lost all dignity on that one, and didn’t even care. I coughed, and sputtered, and cried through my vomiting. After a few moments, I was finally able to catch my breath, and I sank down the side of the toilet with a groan. My eyes were still closed when I felt Eddie press a cold, wet rag to the back of my neck.

“What should I do?” Eddie moved the rag to my forehead and cheeks to cool my already-clammy skin. I started shivering, my teeth chattering loudly in the quiet of the small bathroom.

“I wanna go lay down again,” I pathetically whispered.

“Okay, babe,” Eddie reached around me, scooped me up in his arms, and carried me back to the bed. He gently lay me down and covered me with the blanket before he cautiously lay back down on his side of the bed. “Maybe you need to go to the doctor?”

Feeling completely drained, I watched as the light spread across the wooden floor boards with the rising of the sun. A quick glance at the small digital clock showed it was nearly 7:00am. I knew it was only 5 days until Christmas, and I internally groaned at the thought of all I needed to do. I pulled the covers up under my chin and snuggled in.

“Yeah, maybe, but I dunno know when I could get in unless I go to the ER.” I closed my eyes to ward off another bout of nausea. Eddie gently lay a hand on my shoulder.

“Are you gonna be here for Christmas? Or go home?”

“I think I’ll stay here with you guys, unless you have plans or something…” My voice trailed off with uncertainty. Even after last night, I still had no real idea where Eddie and I stood.

Eddie kissed the back of my head and lay back down on his pillow.

“I’m home until February. I think we should try to work things out between us, but I uh…I wanna know what you think?”

I rolled over, squinting at Eddie. “What are you talking about, what I think?” _Why did he sound so unsure again?_

Eddie glanced over at me, then quickly looked away. He was worrying his lower lip with his fingers, and I could tell he was nervous.

“Eddie?” I placed a hand on his bare chest, and I indeed felt his heart pounding against my palm. _So insecure..._

“Like…I dunno… _shit._ Are you sure you still wanna be with me?” He released his lips and ran that same hand up and over his face. “I’m still in the band, and we gotta tour, and I just don’t want you to… _you know_ …have to deal with all that shit.”

I scooted closer and pressed my nose against his neck as I wrapped my arm over his chest. I smiled when he brought his arm down and pulled me closer. _He was so damn adorable, trying or not._

“Did you miss it when I told you earlier that I loved you? _That I loved all of you?”_ I kissed his throat. “Even the whiny, pathetic parts of you? I love that, too.”

"I know you said that, but how do I know what's gonna happen when I go out on tour?"  Eddie's voice was a deep rumble under my cheek.  

"I have to trust you, and you have to trust me, and that's how we're gonna do it."  I nuzzled his chest affectionately.  

"That easy, huh?"  Eddie chuckled, but I could still hear the uncertainty in his baritone voice.  I pushed myself up so that I could stare down at him.  He stared back, his vividly blue eyes bright in the sunny room.  I nodded. 

"That easy." I agreed as I crawled over him, thankful and surprised that my earlier nausea seemed to be gone.  I could feel how tense Eddie's body was as I straddled him. I placed my palms against his bare chest and wiggled my hips a bit when my crotch came into contact with his.  

"You not feelin' bad anymore?"  Eddie peered up at me, one brow arched in question as his hand traveled up my bare thigh.  I grinned, my lower lip caught between my teeth as his fingers slipped under my shorts, the rough pads of his fingertips dancing across my already-sensitive skin.  I felt the prickle of goosebumps, and I shivered in need.   

"I'm healed, I think."  My voice was breathy, a mere whisper, as I rolled my hips against his groin, delighting in the feeling of him already hard, pressed right against where I wanted him. Eddie reached up and pulled my hands from where they were till pressed against his chest, his fingers interlacing with mine as he held me to him.  My mouth feel open in a soft "O" as he began rolling his hips against mine, and I dropped my head back, eyes closed as I savored the hot hardness he was pressing between my legs. 

 

"Come 'ere, you," Eddie gruffly ordered as he pulled me to him. He quickly rolled us over, and I was right back where I wanted to be: _prone, flat on my back, with him between my legs._  I whimpered as he started kissing my neck.  He quickly made his way up and pressed his lips against mine....

 

 

 


	47. Chapter 47

The day before Christmas, Eddie and I joined the others at Stone’s house. It was kinda awkward for a while, considering that we were now "officially a couple" in everyone’s eyes. It was only me, Eddie, Mike, Jeff, Stone and Ava; Matt had left a while earlier. Chris was on tour somewhere, and wouldn’t be back until after the New Year. The only person missing now was Dave.  He’d declined Stone’s invite, from what I’d heard. I didn’t try to call him, either. I didn’t know if I was ready to deal with that just yet.  Or if he was ready to deal with Eddie and I. Either way, he didn’t show, and I was glad for the relative peace. I still didn’t know how Eddie really felt about me kissing Dave, and I’d not had enough courage to bring it up again since the cabin. Best to let sleeping dogs lie…

It was late afternoon, the sun just beginning to set on Christmas Eve, and we were all gathered in the living room, playing a game of spades. Due to not knowing what I was doing, I was getting my ass handed to me on a silver platter, much to the delight of Jeff and Mike. I narrowed my eyes at them.

“I never claimed to know what I was doing,” I muttered as I dropped another losing hand on the table. Eddie shook his head, chuckling as he, too, dropped his hand on the table.

“I still love you, even if you do suck at cards!” He reached over and playfully kissed me on the cheek as I tried to swat him away. Mike and Jeff, gloating with victory, tossed their hands down.

“Look, I just gotta say I, for one, am super damn happy that all that shit is behind us,” Jeff wiggled his fingers towards Eddie and me, still grinning as he plopped down on the couch next to Ava. “That shit was driving us all up the wall!”

All of us laughed.

Well, everyone but Stone. He wordlessly stood up, pushed Ava’s hand off his thigh, and headed out back. I jumped when the back door shut a little too hard. Wide eyed, I looked over at Ava, who only shrugged her shoulders.

“Is he okay?” I quietly asked no one in particular. When _no one in particular_ answered, I went to stand up, but Eddie pulled me back down. I frowned at him. “I’m just gonna go check on him.”

Eddie shook his head as he stood. “I should go. It’s me he’s pissed at anyways.”

My brows drew together in confusion as I stared up at him. “He’s mad at you? Why?”

“Babe…just let me go handle it, okay?” Eddie leaned down and kissed me on the cheek, before grabbing two beers and also heading out back. I looked over at Jeff and Mike, wondering what the hell was going on, but they were no use either. They also stood, and without answering, headed out back.

Only Ava and I were left inside the now too-quiet house.

“Do you know what’s going on?” I asked her, only to get another shrug in response. “Seriously? You have no idea?”

“Stone has been worried about not only Eddie, but the band for some time, so maybe that’s it? I really don't know,” Ava shook her head again. “I think I’m gonna go clean, take my mind off whatever is going on.”

Even though every part of me wanted to run out there and check on Stone, I knew I needed to let Eddie and the others deal with this in their own way. They had each other long before they had me. And if I went away again, they’d still have each other. I was about one-hundred percent sure of that. I took a deep breath and stood.

“You’re right. I’ll help.” With final look towards the back door, I followed Ava into the kitchen.

* * *

  
“Stoney? Dude? You alright?” Mike asked, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled over the four men. They’d been sitting out there for at least five minutes, and not a one had said anything until Mike decided he couldn’t take it any longer.

“I’m good,” came Stone’s clipped response.

“You don’t sound good,” Eddie offered up from his spot in the shadow.

“Well, I’m really fucking good. If I say I’m good, I’m fucking good.”

“Well fuck you too, then!” Eddie shot back with an irritated huff.

“Seriously, what’s going on here? Whatever it is, it needs to be squashed before we go on tour. We can’t be having this shit happen out on the road.” Jeff kicked at the ground as he spoke. “We’ve had a rough enough year as it is, we don’t need to repeat that shit.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem with our fearless leader here,” Stone flung his hand in Eddie’s direction. “Who knows when he’s gonna lose his shit again?”

“You know, guys, this isn't how we—” Mike raised his hands to try to diffuse the situation that was quickly escalating, but Eddie cut him off.

“Really dude? Is that what this is? _You worried about me?_ ” Eddie stood, his fist clenched angrily at his sides.  Undaunted, Stone stood up, his own fists balled at his sides much the same.

“Yeah, that’s exactly what it is! A fight with Sammie, a bad day, who fucking knows when you’ll flip again, and leave us to clean up the mess!”

“You know what, fuck you!” Eddie stepped forward, one finger angrily pointing at Stone, his jaw flexing in fury.  Seeing what was about to go down, Jeff stepped in and pulled Eddie back. Likewise, Mike placed a hand on Stone’s shoulder, doing his best to calm him down. Both Eddie and Stone continued to glare at each other, chests heaving, each waiting for the other to back down.

“Stone, dude, calm down, okay?” Mike spoke softly. Stone was still bristling, his back ram-rod straight, but he did go back to his chair and set down. He grabbed his beer and took a long sip as he stared out over the back yard and into the darkness. The other three also went back to their respective chairs, and silence settled over them again.

“Welp, I had to throw Eddie’s phone in the lake once.” Jeff offered up, very matter-of-factly. 

Mike spit out the Coke he’d just taken a sip of, his face going red with laughter. “What the hell?”

“Yeah,” Eddie rubbed the back of his neck with embarrassment. “It was that time I wanted to call Sammie again, right? Right before a show, and it was one of those times she wouldn’t answer, and I got fucking pissed. God, what a douche!”

“Douche is an understatement!” Jeff snorted with amusement.

“How come I never heard that story?” Mike asked, still laughing. He sat back in his chair. “Ed and I almost came to blows. Remember?” He looked over at Eddie.

Again, Eddie nodded as the memories came back. “Well, in my fucking defense, you were drunk that day, too! And, if memory serves me correctly, I am not the only fuckin' one here with women problems."  He arched an eyebrow, giving Mike a pointed look full of meaning. _Mike's woes were as bad as Eddie's sometimes!_

“Still”—Mike shrugged and took another sip —“you were a damn handful, man.”

“I know, I know,” Eddie agreed. God how he knew…

“Well, I lost a damn couch to it,” Stone grumbled, causing another round of nervous laughter. “And we nearly busted up the band over it.” That last sentence came out in a hushed tone, almost as if Stone didn’t want to say it out loud, but couldn’t hold it in any longer. Eddie sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. He’d figured this might be eating at Stone, and he knew it was just a matter of time before they had to hash it out.

“Look, guys, I’m sorry about all that. I really am.” He turned to face Stone, and then glanced over at Mike and Jeff. “I was dealing with too much shit, and I took it out on you guys, and…yeah…I just…I’m sorry.”

“We understand.” Mike clapped Eddie on the shoulder in solidarity. He stood, crumpling his Coke can in his hand.

“Shit happens, right? It’s over and done now,” Jeff smiled as he, too, stood and patted Eddie on the back. “Let’s go inside, dude,” Jeff nodded at Mike. They disappeared into the house, leaving a deafening silence on the back porch. Stone still hadn’t spoken after his initial comment. It was obvious by the way the other two had left, that they knew this needed to be hashed out alone, between the two of them.

“Look, Stone, I know what I did, and all I can do is say I’m sorry.” Eddie dropped down into a chair next to Stone.

“I don’t wanna sound weak, and all that shit, but we’re like brothers, you know?” Stone’s voice was strained as he stared off in the distance. “You scared me, dude. Thought we were gonna lose you a few times there.” Stone swallowed hard. 

Both Eddie and Stone knew to what he was referring to, and it wasn’t Eddie taking a vacation. Those were bad, dark days, and even Eddie felt uneasy thinking about it. He’d come close to making a bad damn decision far too many times. He didn't know if it was God, or luck, or whoever, but somebody had been looking out for him.  Somebody or something had kept him alive, when all he'd been trying to do was kill himself.  A lot of that credit had to go to the man before him.  Eddie knew this.  He knew how fortunate he was to have not only Stone, but the rest of the guys.  Other musicians weren't so lucky...

“Just don’t do it again, okay?” Stone’s voice had grown gruffer with emotion, and Eddie could feel his eyes watering with his own tightly-held emotion. _How had he ever gotten so lucky to have this group of guys call him friend and brother?_                                                         

“This is awkward as hell now, isn’t it?” Stone nervously laughed as he stood. He still wouldn’t meet Eddie’s eyes, continued looking at the ground. Eddie stood, still wrestling with himself, and pulled Stone into a tight man-hug.

“You’re my brother, and I love you, Stone. Thanks for being there for me.” Eddie’s deep voice was also gruff. Stone hugged him back in agreement.

“We’ll always be here for you, brother. All of us.” One more squeeze, and the two men released each other. Both looked at each other, and both started laughing as they saw that each were misty-eyed.

“We are a bunch of fuckin’ losers, aren’t we? Hugging like the girls out here on the porch!” Embarrassed, Eddie chuckled as he smoothed his hair. “We should write a love song about us!”

“Yeah, no.” Unamused, Stone huffed as he opened the screen door. “Let’s get back to it, shall we? I got something I need to do.”

* * *

 

**My inspiration for this chapter...**

                                                                          

 


	48. Chapter 48

Later that evening, after we’d all gone to bed, I was still awake. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going on with Eddie. He’d been super quiet once he’d come back in, and I could see that Stone looked just as wary.  And it was telling that Mike and Jeff left right after the _secret meeting_ on the porch. They’d be back tomorrow to celebrate Christmas, but it was like a sober cloud had settled over the house, and everyone kinda retreated back to their rooms.

“Eddie?”

“Yeah?” He tightened his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer.  We were facing each other, with my face up in that spot under his chin.  

“I know I’ve asked you, but are you alright? Like really alright? I saw you and Stone...and Jeff and Mike were acting weird.” I hugged him tighter, nuzzling my nose down against his bare chest.

“Sammie, I’m good okay? I promise.” He kissed the top of my head again. “How’s your stomach feeling?”

“I can see you’re trying to change the subject,” I muttered against him. “I still feel nauseous, but it seems to come and go. I don’t know. I think after Christmas I need to go get checked out. Maybe it’s this stupid birth control thing making me sick, I dunno.” I’d never used this IUD thing before, and after I got it removed, I would never use it again. I’d not had a regular period since I’d had it placed! But, I needed something, since Eddie and I didn’t use protection, and we weren’t even close to talking about babies at the moment, I had to have something.  Condoms were out of the question, since I couldn't trust either of us to be responsible.  Pills made me sick -- when I remembered to take them.  Ultimately, this new IUD won out, since it was basically put it in and forget about it for up to five years.  Maybe one day, Eddie and I could talk about babies, but it definitely wasn't now.  

“Has it made you sick before?”

“No, but I don’t think it’s good for me. Weird girly stuff that I’m sure you don’t wanna hear about.” I grinned as he groaned under me.

“Yes, please. I’d rather not.”  I knew he was making a face...

I leaned up to stare down at him, and shook my head at his sour look. “So, if I need you to go by tampons, you're saying you won’t do it?” I grinned impishly, knowing I was making him uncomfortable.

“Babe, I can’t go buy myself shit as it is.” He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. This time, I snorted.

“Oh, so now you’re too famous to buy feminine hygiene products?”

Eddie rolled me over, pinning me underneath him. “What do I gotta do to get you to shut up, woman?” He playfully grinned down at me.

“Haven’t you learned anything? I don’t shut up. Ever.” I tapped the tip of his nose with my fingertip. “Actually, you know what? Tell me what happened with Stone and the guys and I might go to sleep.” I stared up at him, waiting for his response. Finally, he sighed and rolled off me and back onto his back.  We were both aware of how stubborn I could be when I wanted to be. 

“We almost got in a fight.”

_“A what?!”_ I leaned up to stare down at him in confusion.

“But we didn’t. It’s all settled now. Just a misunderstanding.” Eddie draped an arm over his eyes, but continued speaking. “He was upset about last year, and I guess wondering if this good stuff was gonna last,”— _he waved a hand at me_ —“this stuff between us. I don’t know.”

I lay back down and pulled the covers up my chest as I mulled over Eddie’s words. It only made sense that Stone — _and the others_ — would be concerned about the future. Especially given the past. Eddie and I were good right now — _I think??_ — but who knows what the future holds? _Who knows if it would stick this time, when it had never stuck before?_

“See, that’s why, right there.” Eddie muttered as he peeked at me from under his forearm. “Now you’re sitting over there, overthinking everything, and that’s gonna cause me to overthink, and we'll both be overthinking,  then it’ll all get fucked up again.”

I rolled my head over and stared at him in disbelief. “Are you serious right now?”

“Tell me you’re not doing exactly what I said,” Eddie countered, that one blue eye wide and wary as he continued to peek out from under his arm.

“Of course I am. And of course you are. Why wouldn’t we? We have such a dysfunctional past, who would’t be scared?” I continued staring at him until he finally looked away.  I couldn't help but roll my eyes at him. 

“Fuck man. I can’t do this. I can’t do this….” Eddie mumbled as he rolled over and away from me. I had the urge to smack him upside his beautiful head, but I refrained, and instead pressed myself against his back and wrapped an arm around his waist. Even though he stiffened at my touch, I pressed my hand into the area between his pectoral muscles, and held him tight. I kissed his bare back, once, twice.

“Eddie, just because someone questions something, it doesn’t mean they’re not all in.” He stiffened further; I hugged him tighter. “Don’t you understand that? It’s called faith. And hope. And believing that the person you love will do what’s right, even if it hasn’t always been that easy.” I rubbed my nose against his back and snuggled in. _“And lord knows, it’s not been easy for us!”_  I blanched when I my joke clearly fell flat; Eddie was not amused with my attempt at levity.  I quickly sobered.  

“But I believe you’re a good man, Eddie.  And I believe that you love me. And I believe that our love is strong enough to withstand whatever comes. Even people that play this game of life and lose in love, they still play, you know? Even if they never win, they still want to find love.” I hugged him again for emphasis. “I mean, look at us. Against all odds, and all kinda stuff, here we are, in bed together. And I swear, Eddie, I can see our future. I can see you and me, and I can see us being happy together. I can see you being happy, and me being happy, and I can see us together.” I scrunched my lips together as my chin started trembling. Eddie still hadn’t said anything in response, and I felt my insecurity start creeping back in, the wondering, the second-guessing. I fought against tears that had appeared out of nowhere, and did my best to not get them on his back.

“But I need to know that you see that too, Eddie. I need you to do this with me. I need you to trust me, to trust yourself. To trust us. I can’t do this alone, and I can’t do it for both of us.” My voice was barely above a whisper, my heart breaking again at his silence. Defeated, my hand started to slide down from where it rested on his chest, but then his hand caught mine. He pulled it up and pressed his lips against it, and I let out a tremulous sigh. He wasn’t completely gone. Yet. 

“I love you, Sammie. So much it scares me. So much that I do stupid things—that I did stupid things.” Eddie sniffled quietly. “Stone was pissed cause he was worried about us, and I can’t blame him for that. At least two times that I remember, I thought about ending it all.”

Now it was my turn to go rigid. He gripped my hand tighter.

“Stone…Mike…Jeff…the guys, they saved me, Sammie. Literally. Saved me from myself. So, yes, it scares the fucking shit out of me. How much I need you. It scares me.” He sucked in a deep, shaky breath. “And sometimes, I’m scared to try again. Sometimes I worry that I might deliberately fuck things up because I am scared shitless of losing you again. So if I fuck it up on my own, then I don’t have to wonder why you didn’t want me. ‘Cause then I know it was me all along.”

I lay there, staring at the back of his head, feeling a million different emotions running through my body. I wanted to cry. I wanted to be angry. I was beyond pissed that he thought of hurting himself — over me, of all things!! _Was he insane??_ I could feel my heart thumping in my chest; my hand trembled against his chest. I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, or if I should say anything.

I couldn’t control the hiccup that escaped, couldn’t hide the trembling as I lay against him. I tugged at him, doing my best to get him to see that I loved him, even if I couldn’t say it just now. I tugged harder, and finally he rolled over. Without a word, he scooted down and buried his face against the crook of my neck, and wrapped his arms around me. I could feel how tense he was, how rigid he was as he pressed himself against me.

Eddie never said another word.

For the rest of the night, neither of us said anything. I myself was too afraid to say anything, so I settled for holding him, grateful that he was holding me. Only when I felt him relax against me did I finally let out the breath I’d been holding. Only then did I stop shaking — _well, my body at least_ — but I couldn’t quiet my mind. It was such a roller coaster of emotions with this man, and I had no idea how I was supposed to continue riding it. I felt nauseous, but couldn’t be sure if it was from the stomach virus I might have, or if it was because my guts were continuously twisted in knots. I was completely exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I kept wondering what I’d done wrong, and where I should have said something different.

I couldn’t tell where Eddie was concerned. He just confused the hell out of me.  I didn't know how to make him happy, or if I even could. 

One minute he was telling me he loved me, making love to me in the sweetest way possible, and then in the very next he was doubting it all. Doubting me. _Doubting us._ Tomorrow, I was fairly certain he’d be back to loving me, and being the sweet Eddie that I loved back. And I’d be waiting for the bottom to fall out, as it seemed to always do.  I never felt settled with him, never felt safe.  I loved him more than life itself, but I couldn't live like this, this uncertainty always looming.  I couldn't.  I knew myself too well to say that I could. 

I swallowed the painful lump in my throat, and as careful as possible, untangled myself from him. He was still sleeping, his soft snores filling the quiet room as I slipped my feet into my slippers and left the room. I gently closed the door behind me and made my way down the hall and to the kitchen. I needed to find something to drink, or maybe some crackers to settle my stomach. I just wasn’t feeling good, at all.  

“Can’t sleep?” Stone called softly as I passed by the living room. Foregoing the kitchen, I walked over and plopped down on the couch at the opposite end. Stone tossed me a pillow and lifted the blanket so that I could share with him, and I gratefully snuggled in.

“My stomach is bothering me.”

“Still? You need to go and see someone.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll probably try tomorrow. I’m sure some of these urgent care places are open. I just need some heavy duty Pepto or something.” I pushed my feet up under Stone’s thigh. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Thinking about life. You know, same shit, different day.” Stone chuckled humorlessly.

“What happened earlier? With you and Eddie? He said you guys got into it?” I had to know what else might have happened. If Eddie wouldn’t be completely straight with me, I hoped Stone would.

Stone reached up and ran a hand through his hair. “He’s acting weird again, isn’t he?”

“Same shit, different day,” I echoed, also without humor. “Did he really try to kill himself?”

Stone’s head jerked up, his eyes meeting mine, and I immediately I knew the answer.

“What the hell is wrong with me?” I scooted down into the couch, leaned my head back, and stared up at the ceiling. “Why can’t I make him happy? After all these years, we are finally back together, and it’s still just as chaotic as before. What the hell am I doing wrong? Can you tell me?” My stomach roiled again as my mind raced.

“It’s not you, Sammie. It’s Eddie. He’s just such a damn drama queen sometimes. I don’t even know how to explain it. You can tell him you love him, or you care about him, or whatever, and he’s going to find some reason why it’s not true. It’s what he does. He’s got this insane belief that he’s not a good person, that he’s not lovable. I don’t know if it’s childhood stuff, or the stuff with you guys, or what, but it’s like his default.” Stone shuffled on the couch and moved my feet so they weren’t digging into his ass. “You guys have been back together for how long now? About a month?”

“Yeah, since right before Thanksgiving…”—my words trailed off as it hit me.

It had been a little over a month since we’d been together together. A little over a month, actually since we’d made love in this very house.

_A little over a month and I hadn’t gotten a period._

I felt my stomach lurch again as my heart started pounding in my chest, my anxiety rising with each second.

“Sammie?” Stone asked, concerned.

“A month, Stone. It’s been a month. And I haven’t…my…I haven’t gotten… _oh my god.”_ I sat up, immediately regretting it, my stomach completely disagreeing again. I turned, and planted my feet on the floor, all the while my mind was spinning. _Could that be it??_

Stone sat up as well, his brows drawn together as he tried to figure out what was going on. He reached over and placed a hand on my shoulder, causing me to flinch.

“What is going on?”

I looked over at him, eyes wide,  my breathing shallow as my heart pounded in my ears.  

“I think I might be pregnant.”

 


	49. Chapter 49

I put the lid down on the toilet, and sat down, still in the bathroom at Walgreens. I bought the test, and knew I couldn't endure the fifteen minute drive back home, so I had to take it here. Right now.  I stared at the faint blue line that had appeared on the pregnancy test, wondering what in the hell I was gonna do. I was about ninety-nine percent sure that I saw a second blue line, and that would mean I was pregnant. What was I supposed to do??

_What we were gonna do._

A million thoughts continued to run through my head.

I had told Eddie I needed to run out to the pharmacy to get some meds, since everything would finally be open now that Christmas had passed. I didn’t tell him I was going to buy a pregnancy test. I had a birth control thing implanted up my fucking vagina and into my uterus. How the hell did I get pregnant?? _Wasn’t that the purpose of having the damn thing in the first place??_

And God!! Having a baby with Eddie was not on my list at the moment. He was still acting weird, and now I had to dump this on him?? I was almost certain he was going to run away again. He would freak out, and he would run, and I would get completely pissed.

Not to mention the fact that I had a job to go back to very fucking soon, and Eddie had to go on tour in a few weeks. Rehearsals would start even sooner, so we had literally no time together.   _None._

We didn’t have time to have a baby!

I sat there, twisting my lower lip between my fingers, as I mulled over my options. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him until I’d gone to the doctor and had it confirmed? That way if it was not true, then no harm, no foul, right? He’d never have to know, and we could go on and do what we were doing, whatever the hell that was.

But what if I was pregnant? What then? I would have to tell him. It was only fair. And given both of our similar histories, keeping something like this from him was not an option. I was not going to be repeating our stories. Even if Eddie and I didn’t make it as a couple, I would never keep a baby away from him. He didn’t deserve that, and neither did our baby.

“Oh god,” I whispered out loud.

_Our baby…_

_What the hell was I gonna do??_

A knock at the door jarred me back into reality.

“Just a minute!” I quickly wrapped up the test in toilet paper and shoved it in my purse. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t throw it away. I washed my hands, smoothed down my hair, and exited the bathroom. An older woman gave me a strange look as I passed her on the way out.  

Once outside, I sat in Stone’s car, still reeling from that little plastic stick in my purse. I couldn’t stay here forever, as much as I wanted to, though. I had to go back. I started up the car and headed back to Stone’s.

I had no idea what I was gonna do.

 

 

* * *

 

“So?” Stone asked as he cornered me in the laundry room. I continued shoving clothes into the washing machine, doing my best to focus on the task at hand. I had to get my shit together in preparation to go back home. Without warning, he reached over and closed the machine lid, forcing me to stop. Annoyed, I stared straight ahead, still trying to ignore him.

“Did you take the test?”

 _“Will you keep your voice down?!”_ I hissed at him as I ran over and closed the door. I leaned up against it as I glared at him. He glared right back.

“Yes or no? Come on, Sammie.” Stone crossed his arms over his chest, and stubbornly waited.

I dropped my shoulders in defeat, my chin falling to my chest. “I think it’s positive. I think I saw two lines.”

“Holy shit,” Stone whispered. "Wow. Holy shit."  My head snapped up, but I saw that he was grinning as he walked over to me. Without waiting, he pulled me in for a hug, and I let him.  God knows I needed some support. 

“You gonna tell him?”

“I don’t know.” I was mumbling against him. “I don’t know if it’s for sure for sure, so I was thinking I might just wait until I see a doctor?”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Sammie.” Stone pushed me off him by my shoulders and stared down at me. “Don’t you think he deserves to know, either way?”

I moved out of his embrace and walked back over to the washer and started pushing clothes back in. “I know he does, I just also know how he is.” I dropped the last bit in, tossed in some detergent, and turned it on. I turned back around to face Stone.

“He’s being very weird right now, and I’m worried this will make it worse. Besides, you guys are about to start rehearsals. And there’s the tour. And I have to leave and go back home. Classes are starting soon, and I gotta be there.” I picked at some imaginary lint on the edge of my tee-shirt. Stone was just about to say something when the door opened.

“There you are,” Eddie grinned. He looked over at Stone, one eyebrow quirked up playfully. “Hiding out in the laundry room with my girl, huh? Should I be jealous?”

I forced a grin on my face as I walked over to Eddie, and looped my arms through his. I pressed myself against his chest as I hugged him tight.

“Quit being so weird, Eddie!” I nuzzled his chest with my nose. “You know I gotta thing for the lead singer!”

“You hear this shit, Stoney? This is what I have to put up with!” Eddie’s laughter rumbled deep in his chest. I pulled back, kissed him on his chin, and turned around to face Stone. I swallowed at the look on Stone’s face, praying internally that he would just let it be. My eyes bored into his as I silently begged him to not say anything.

“Yeah, sucks don’t it?” Stone smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes. He snatched a shirt off the dryer and made for the door. “I’m gonna go find Ava.” And with that, he disappeared.

Eddie turned me around in his arms, and planted a kiss on my forehead. “Everything okay?”

“Just a little tired,” I lied straight to his face. I even smiled for emphasis. “Let’s go get something to eat?”

Eddie’s blue eyes searched my face for just a moment longer; I held my breath hoping he wouldn't see through my ruse. Finally, thankfully, he seemed satisfied, and hand and hand, we headed out to the kitchen.


	50. Chapter 50

**Eddie's journal - January 2nd, 2001**

Sammie left today. I just dropped her off at the airport. I didn’t want her to leave, but she had to get back to her job. I wish she would quit, but I know she’d never do that and just follow me around. It’s not who she is. I’ll have to get over my jealousy, cause I know she loves her job. I can’t ask her to give everything up just for me.

I fucking love her. We fought, we made up, and I fucking love her. More than I thought possible. I don’t know what she sees in me. All the things I’ve done to fuck us up, she just won’t give up. I’m gonna try my damnedest to make things work with her. Fuck this business, fuck the people that try to take me away from her. And fuck those people that try to take her away from me. I won’t let it happen.

  
**_You are_ **

_This broken wheel is coming undone, and the road explodes.._

_You’re keeping me strong…_

_Love is a tower, and you’re the key_   
_Leading me higher, when you let me in_

_You keep us close_

_You are a tower of strength to me,_   
_the darkening hour sees light again_

 

 


	51. Chapter 51

**January 9th, 2001**

The pain was unbearable, so much so that I couldn’t stand it any longer. It had gotten progressively worse over the past few days, and now I was out of options; I had to go to the emergency room. Something was definitely wrong. I quickly texted a friend from work, but she was not yet back in town. A few more calls to friends revealed much the same; seems like I was the only one that got back early.

“Fuck!” I groaned as I tried to find a comfortable position. It was seriously like someone was stabbing me in the back, the pain radiating all the way down my crotch and down my legs. I felt like I needed to throw up again, but I knew I had nothing left. All it would do was make it worse. I quickly dialed the only other person I could think of who was nearby.

“What’s up, stranger?” Dave’s voice came over the line. Dave had texted me earlier, letting me know he was in Dallas for some promotional thing, and wanted to know if we could hang out. At the time, I didn’t think that was a good idea. Now, I knew I was outta options, and I had no one else to turn to. Eddie would just have to understand.

“Can you come to my house please? Something…something is wrong, I think I need to go to the ER.” I gritted my teeth as a wave of pain washed over me. I could hear shuffling on the other line.

“Uh, yeah. Lemme get outta here, and I’ll come. What’s going on?” Dave asked. More shuffling, keys jangling.  A door closed.  

“I don’t know. Something in my stomach. I think I’m pregnant, and I think something’s wrong.” My voice broke as I started crying, from pain and fear. “Please hurry, Dave. Please!”

* * *

 

 Less than forty-five minutes later, Dave walked in my small apartment to find me curled up in a fetal position in the bathroom. His eyes widened with shock when he saw me. I couldn’t stop throwing up. I couldn’t stop shaking. Sweat had soaked through my shirt, dampening my hair, up and down my back. Wordlessly, he leaned down and scooped me up, and carried me out to his truck.

“Just hold on, Sammie. I’m gonna get you to the hospital, and everything will be okay.” He situated me in the back seat, helping me lay down, and buckled me in. “It’s gonna be fine, sweetie. I promise.”

The last thing I remembered was seeing a guitar laying across the floorboard in Dave's truck, and thinking how mad Eddie would be when he found out I was with Dave...

* * *

 

  

The next time I woke up, I immediately closed my eyes at the brightness of the lights. Cautiously opening them again, I realized that I must be in the hospital. I winced as I accidentally pulled the taped IV on top of my hand.

“Ah! Welcome back, babe!” Dave spoke softly as he came closer. He rested his hand on my free one. “How you feeling?”

“Dizzy. What happened?” I craned my neck to see what was making all the beeping noises. I saw the machine with the numbers that I knew were blood pressure, heart rate, and oxygen. I had two IV stands, each with a bag of some unknown liquid connected to the tubes, steadily pumping the fluids inside me. I looked back up at Dave, the question in my eyes. His lips turned down in displeasure as he began speaking.

“Sammie, they had to…they had to take you back into surgery. You had an ectopic pregnancy, and it ruptured. That’s why you were hurting so bad. They had to go in and…uhhh…and fix it and stop the bleeding.” Dave’s expression was soft as he delivered the news. He squeezed my hand reassuringly, but it couldn’t stop the wave of sadness that washed over me. I knew what an ectopic pregnancy was, and I knew what that meant. I’d been told the risks of having that IUD in place, and what could happen should I somehow get pregnant. Dave reached over and wiped a tear that had overflowed, catching it before it rolled down my cheek. Ashamed, I turned my head to the side, avoiding his gaze. I didn’t want his pity.

“I never told him,” I whispered sadly. “I never told him, and now it’s gone. Like it was never there.”

With a heavy sigh, Dave pushed some hair back off my forehead, and I flinched away even further. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I literally wanted to disappear. I just didn’t care right now. _I was so ashamed that I hadn’t told him_. I wanted to wait until I had seen the doctor; the appointment was less than 2 weeks away. I wanted to wait until it was certain, until it was for sure. After that, I was gonna tell Eddie. Now it was too late, and I knew he wouldn’t forgive me for keeping this from him. I knew him well enough to know that this was going to hurt him deeply. He wouldn’t forgive me. I sniffled, wiping my nose and face with my free hand.

“Can you just go please? I need some time alone,” I whispered through my tears.

“Sammie. Look—”

“Please, Dave, just go. I need to be alone. Please.” I pulled my hand from him and used it to pull the covers up around my neck, shutting him out. Silence ensued for a few moments, but finally he relented.

“Okay. I’ll give you some time, but I’ll be close by.” He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’m not leaving you here alone.”

As soon as I heard the door close, the silent tears began to fall…

* * *

There was ringing.

Something was ringing, the noise shrill and obnoxious. I just wanted to sleep. I rolled over, doing my best to shut it out, but then it started ringing again. I groggily opened my eyes, and looked around. I was still in the hospital, still hooked up to the machines. I looked for the source of the ringing, and saw the phone on my bedside table lighting up. Fighting a wave of dizziness, I reached over and picked it up.

“Hello?” My voice was raspy.

“Sammie? Oh my god, baby! Are you okay?” Eddie’s voice was full of fear, the pitch higher with his worry. 

“Eddie?” I whispered. I felt my eyes well with tears again, as my anger at Dave began rising. I knew it had to have been him that called. “How did you find out I was here?”

“Dave called Stone. What’s going on? Are you okay? What happened?” Eddie rushed out, not giving me any time to answer. “I knew I should have never left. I’m gonna get on a plane tomorrow and head back, we’ll just cancel the tour, okay? _Sammie?”_ Eddie breathed into the phone. “Are you crying? What’s wrong? Are you hurting?”

“Eddie, please stop, okay?” I continued crying. “I’m okay now. I just…Eddie…I didn’t tell you the truth before I left.” My voice hitched as I got closer to telling him.

“What? What does that mean? Do you need to call the doctor? Is Dave still there?” Eddie demanded, still not letting me speak.

“Eddie! _Fuck! Just stop for a minute!”_ I cried harder. “I have to tell you something! Can you please just stop?”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I’m just worried.  Just tell me what’s going on, okay? Sammie?” Eddie’s voice still had a frantic undertone, but he’d calmed down. I took a deep, steadying breath, steeling myself for what I was about to do. 

“Eddie, I…uh…I was pregnant. Well…not really. It was an ectopic pregnancy, meaning it never went to my uterus. It was in one of my fallopian tubes, and it ruptured, and that’s why I had to go to the ER. They had to do surgery, and fix it.” I lay there, trembling as I waited. My hands shook, my teeth were chattering. “Eddie? Please say something.”

“You were pregnant?” The words came out hoarsely, more that of a disbelieving whisper.

“I was, yes.” My hand shook as it held the phone to my ear. I could hear it in his voice, I could hear the disbelief. Could hear the hurt.   _Could hear how I'd hut him._

“Did you know?”

“Eddie—”

“Did you know, yes or no?” Eddie coolly bit out, his voice having taken on a hard edge to it. An unmistakable anger had appeared, causing me to shiver and tremble even more. 

“I did, yes. I wanted to wait until I had seen the doctor to tell you. I had an appointment in about two weeks, and I was gonna tell you then.”

“But you knew before? When?” Eddie demanded.

“I knew around Christmas. That’s when I realized I was late.”

“And you didn’t say anything to me then?” Eddie was furious; I could feel it. He chuckled, again in disbelief. “Oh fuck. _Wait a minute._ That’s what you and Stone were talking about so secretly, wasn’t it? _Fucking holy shit._ That day in the laundry room.”

“I swear to God, I was gonna tell you, Eddie. I just wanted to wait, and be sure. I wasn’t hiding it from you!” I pleaded with him to believe me, to know and understand my intentions were good, but I knew it was no use. It was almost like I could physically feel him pulling away from me.

“Okay, Sammie, I think I need to go, okay?” Eddie’s voice was steely, cold and aloof. I felt like he’d punched me in the stomach, like the air had been sucked out of the room and I was suffocating. “I can’t do this right now. I have this fuckin' show I gotta do, and I can’t do it if I’m worried about you. So I think I need to go before I say or do something I regret.”

“I’m so sorry, Eddie,” I mumbled through my tears. They were damn near blinding me now.

“Yeah, me too.”

The click and ensuing dial tone told me he’d hung up.


	52. Chapter 52

**My journal -- January 12, 2001, Dallas, TX**

Eddie finally called me 3 days later. _3 FUCKING DAYS LATER._ We argued. I screamed at him that I hated him. He screamed back at me that he hated me more. I hung up on him.

He called me back. I didn’t pick up, and so eventually Dave did. This caused even more problems, because of course Eddie was a stupid fucking jealous prick.  As usual.

Dave finally forced me to take his call. Eddie accused me of having feelings for Dave.

_What in the actual fuck is wrong with him?_

_Why did I ever think things could work between us?_

I hung up on Eddie. Of course he called right back.

And then he asked me to marry him. Of course I told him no. Actually my exact words were “no, fuck you.” Eddie hung up on me again. At this point I was in between tears and laughter. I was still doped up on some pretty strong pain meds, and I might have had a beer or two. What the fuck did I care anymore? Eddie and I were the stupidest people I knew **. Seriously.**

He called back three more times, and each time I let it go to the answering machine. It was after midnight, and after Dave had turned off the ringer, that the phone finally stopped ringing. I sat there, staring at the red blinking light indicating that I had messages. I scooted down in the bed and pulled the whole phone under the covers with me, and pressed the button to play the messages.

The first message was great. Really. 

**“What the fuck, Sammie? Pick up the fuckin’ phone. Pick up. Fuck! You are so fuckin’ childish, you know? FUCK!!”**

_The next message was even better…_

**“I fucking hate you, Sammie. Do you understand that? If you don’t pick up the phone I'm never gonna talk to you again, I swear to fuckin' God. Sammie!! Pick up the fucking phone! I’m gonna wait and give you like 2 minutes, but then I’m hanging up for good and I’m never gonna talk to you ever again, I fucking swear on my life, Sammie! If you don’t pick up or call me back, we're fuckin' done! I swear to fuckin' God, if you don’t pick up the fuckin' phone, I will never talk to you again. We’ll be done forever, and that’ll be it, and then you can…Is that what you want? Cause I think it is. I think you are just fuckin’ around, and you need to pick up the fuckin’ phone right now, cause I -”**

I was saved from the rest of the message when Eddie ran out of time. By this time I had tears in my eyes, threatening to overflow. I blinked as I tried to hold them back. I was tired of crying over him. I was tired of him. I couldn’t catch my breath. My heart was so broken. I didn’t know I could hurt this bad. I never knew it could hurt this bad. _I never knew words could sting so much…_

I was trembling as I pressed the button to play the last message. 

**“Sammie, I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean it. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. I’m a sorry piece of shit. You’re right, I’m a piece of shit, okay? I’m not okay. My head, like my brain, I’m not okay. Please pick up? _Sweetie, please?”_** —Eddie’s voice cracked here — **“Sammie, baby, I love you. I’m sorry for what I said. Please forgive me. Please? Oh god…”** —Eddie trailed off here, I could hear sniffling, and I knew he was crying—  
**“Okay, I’m gonna go. I’m sorry. I love you. I’ll always love you. I’m just so, so fuckin’ sorry.”**

I was wrong earlier.

I could hurt more.

I could hurt so much more. 


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me. I don't know what happened. I watched a movie today, and oops. He's back haha

**A week later….**

“Samantha?”

Hearing my full name, I turned, smiling at the older man before me. Dr. Gentry could always put a smile on my face, no matter my mood. And as of late, my mood had been horrible.

But for good reason.  I thoughts so, at least. 

I’d not spoken to Eddie since he called me and left me all those stupid messages.  Besides, that wasn’t a conversation, not really. I honestly felt like I’d not talked to him since the hospital. _That was the last time he talked to me as if he cared._ Well, he seemed to care at least until he found out about the pregnancy. Then everything went to shit. That day he’d left me in that cold room, alone, to deal with the loss of our child. _Alone._  And now? Now I was back in that place where I hated him as much as I loved him, the two sides locked in a battle that threatened to tear me apart if I dwelled on it too long. Maybe I hated him a little more right now, I didn't know. I was so confused. So, I did what I do best — ignore it. Ignore him. Ignore myself. Go to work.

_Eat._

_Sleep._

_Repeat._

I just stayed busy. Didn't give myself enough time to stop and breathe, let alone think about him. Ignore it all. He’d not called back, but even if he had, I wouldn’t answer. I had unplugged the phone until Dave had come back over after not being able to reach me, and insisted I plug it back up. I'd only agreed to plug the phone in after I kicked Dave out. I told him to tell everyone I was fine, but that I was done with all of them. I didn't need Eddie, and I didn't need Dave, and Chris, or anyone else. I had a career, and I needed to get on with my life. I was tired of crying. Tired of being tired. 

“Samantha? Are you okay?” Dr. Gentry’s bushy, white eyebrows turned downward disapprovingly. I forced the frown away as I dragged myself from my thoughts. The last thing I needed was him to also worry about me. I walked over to him, a hot, steaming cup of coffee in hand, and pushed it towards him.

“Burnt myself,” I muttered _. Kinda ironic how true that was on so many levels…_

The old professor took the mug from me with a grateful smile, but I could see the wheels turning. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” I forcefully smiled up at him before turning to look around at the stacks and stacks of papers, anything to take the attention of myself.  I was helping the professor with the study abroad program, and we had so much to get done in order to get the students - and ourselves - where we needed to be. And now that I was taking over for the professor due to his retirement, I had even more on my plate. I turned and smiled up at him again. “What do we need to get done?”

“Well, I wanted to talk to you about the upcoming trip,” the older man sat down at his desk. “Unfortunately you won’t need to go with the students the first time out.” He frowned as my face fell. “Samantha, this is hard for me to say, but the school — _and I_ — thought it best that you maybe sit this one out. Due to all of your recent health… _er_ …issues.” He nodded uncomfortably down at my waist area. I paled and blushed, all at the same time, my hands held up in protest. 

“But I’m fine. Really, there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m fine,” I countered weakly. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.

The professor gently shook his head in disagreement. He knew what I’d been through, and it was obvious that everyone could see how it had affected me.  

“But you’re not, Samantha.  Anyone can see it. You need to take some time for yourself, take a break, and pull yourself together.” He started shuffling some papers on his desk. I felt like he was dismissing me. I slumped down into the chair that sat before it, willing my voice to be as strong as I wanted to pretend I was.

“So what do I do now?” I whispered, very nearly on the verge of tears. The professor gave me a benevolent smile, much as a grandfather would a child. I felt nauseous.  I didn't want his pity. 

“The job will be here waiting. I’ve pushed my retirement back a few months to give you time, don’t worry about that. It’s just the overseas trip. You have to take some time, Samantha. You’ve not been yourself.”

"I don't even know who _myself_ is anymore," I whispered sadly.  I fidgeted with my hands, turning my ring around my finger.  "I need this job. I need to do something. I have nothing." I scrunched my lips up as one traitorous tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly brushed it away with the back of my hand.  

"Samantha, please.  Take some time. Everything is taken care of here. Go home, rest up a bit, and we'll be here when you get back. It's all cleared."  Dr. Gentry stood, and handed me a manilla folder.  "Everything I need to have done will be handled by Michael until you return."  I took the folder but didn't open it. I knew Michael, had known him for some time. I knew he was a great fit for our program. Didn't change the fact that I was upset about not being in charge.  Another thing Eddie had fucked up for me. 

"I'll have Michael call you sometime this week, okay?"  The professor kept talking as he moved more things about his desk.  "You two can decide how to go forward on this. But only when you're ready." 

I stood up, not knowing what else to say.  "That works. Thanks for understanding."  I smiled through gritted teeth.  "I won't need more than a few days, and then I'll be back, I swear."

"You have a week at least," Dr. Gentry looked up at me from under his bushy eyebrows. "And not a minute sooner, you hear? I've told Michael you'll be gone for at least that much time." 

"Okay," I mumbled petulantly. "I'm gonna go ahead and go now. Need to get some stuff from my office before I leave." Without another word, I headed towards the door. I had to get out of this room.  I was mad, frustrated, pissed off, and everything in between.  

"Make sure you answer the phone when he calls," Dr. Gentry called after me.  

* * *

 

"How are you?"  The deep voice called to me from the doorway. I pushed my hair out of my face as I stared up at Michael from the floor.  He offered a small smile as he leaned up against the doorjamb.  "Dr. Gentry said you'd returned, I wanted to see if I could help you with anything."  Michael's accent  - _wherever he was from_ \- was more pronounced than I remembered it being.  I crawled to my knees and stood, forcing a smile back at him as I stood upright. 

 

"I'm fine, thanks." I leaned down to grab a box that I'd packed full of books, but Michael quickly interceded and snatched the box up before I could. 

"I got it," he smiled as he held the box effortlessly up against his chest. "You need me to help you carry this stuff out?"  He looked around at the organized mess I'd created, boxes full of things and stacks of papers everywhere. 

Annoyed, I rolled my eyes at him. "Sure, let me help you pack my things up so you can take my job. _That's a great idea_." I slammed a stack of papers down on the center of my desk, not even trying to hide my irritation. 

"I'm not taking your job," Michael softly disagreed.  I glared down at my desk, wondering why he was still talking to me. _Could my day get any worse?_

"Really, I'm not trying to take your job, okay?" Michael continued as he came around to stand next to me. He set the box down on the desk, his head tilted down as he tried to meet my eyes.  "I just want to help, right?" 

"You know how you could help? Do you wanna know?" I turned my glare on him, head on.  He didn't falter, only nodded in encouragement.  "Okay, stop asking me how you can help. Stop feeling bad for me. I don't know what you heard, and I don't care, but I will be back, and this will be my job. So don't get any ideas, don't start thinking it's yours. Cause it's not." The last sentence came out just above a whisper, and I inwardly cursed Eddie again as I felt my throat constricting with those damn tears. I dropped my head to my chest and sucked in a deep breath, trying to steady myself. 

"Let me help you take these things out to your car, okay?" Michael's deep voice was gentle.  "Or leave them here, so that they're ready when you come back."  

I cautiously glanced up at him, relieved to see that he was smiling again.  

"When you come back," Michael reassured me again, with a wink added in for good measure. Reluctantly, I felt myself smiling back at him, felt my anger dissipate a bit.  At least the anger I had directed at him.  He didn't deserve it. 

"You're right," I nodded my head,  _"_ when I come back." 

* * *

An few hours later, the sun was setting, and Michael and I had just carried the last of the boxes up to my small apartment.  He insisted that he carry them, and for whatever reason, I felt comfortable enough letting him. I knew I wasn't supposed to be lifting things, anyways.  When the last box had been tucked away in my living room, I walked with Michael back out to the front.  

"So thanks for all your help. Sorry I was being such an ass earlier."  I quietly apologized as I kicked some invisible piece of dirt with my shoe.  

"Meh.. it was no big deal" Michael shrugged his broad shoulders.  "Just don't let it happen again."  

My eyes darted up to see that he was indeed teasing me again. For the second or third time that day, I felt myself smiling back at him.  He _was_ a nice guy.  

"So, call me if you need anything?" I needed to fill in the silence that had all of a sudden gotten weird.  "Or just call me, you know. I don't know."

"I'll call you," Michael grinned down at me, his blue eyes glinting with amusement.  "Don't worry about anything. But if something does happen, you'll definitely be the one I'm calling. You are the boss, you know."  Michael pretended to salute me. 

Despite myself, I laughed at him. He laughed with me. 

"Yeah, don't forget it, either!" I muttered in mock anger as I started closing the door. Michael stood outside it, digging for his keys in his pocket.   "Thanks again, Michael."

"Don't worry about it."  With a final nod of his head, and one last smile directed at me, he headed down to his car.  I closed the door behind me, locked it, and walked  back into my living room.  

I stared at the boxes tucked up against the wall, at the empty beer bottles I'd left sitting on the coffee table, and suddenly felt so alone.  It was overwhelming.  

The silence was deafening. 

Somewhere from deep inside, a tiny part of me wished Michael and his dancing eyes were still here with me.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. Like a year. Forgive me. I hope to finish this story before this year ends. I hope.

  
**"I was just wondering if you’d like to go out for a bite to eat? I have a few things to ask you about work, and I haven’t eaten, so I thought…yeah, just give me a ring back, okay?"**

Closing my voicemail, I lowered my phone, staring down at it as I worried my lower lip with indecision. It was Wednesday, abut halfway through my work-prison sentence imposed by the university and Professor Gentry, and I was going insane sitting at home. Michael had texted me occasionally, had called twice ( _not counting just now_ ), and we’d emailed a few times. i couldn’t deny that I wanted someone’s company. Even if it was Michael.

**"Sure”** I texted back, still worrying my lower lip between the tips of my fingers. Why did I feel guilty about agreeing to meet Michael? _Why should I feel guilty??_

**"Where would you like to go?",** Micheal texted back a few moments later. 

I just as quickly texted back, telling him he could pick. About an hour later, I was pulling into the driveway of a small hole-in-the-wall taco place that only us locals knew about. I made my way inside, and saw Michael tucked away in the back corner of the bar. He was leaned up against it, wearing what looked like a leather jacket.

 

_He was hot._

**_Like really, really fucking hot._ **

I finally admitted it to myself, my cheeks blooming with embarrassment for whatever reason.

“Hi,” he flashed his signature toothy grin at me. “Bar okay?”

“It’s great, actually,” I smiled back as I took a seat next to him.

“Beer?”

“Yep,” I nodded again. “Surprise me.”

“Two Guinness drafts, please,” Michael told the bartender before turning back to me. “So, how are you?”

“Ready to be back at work. You?” I dipped a chip in salsa, and popped it in my mouth. It was pretty empty, only us and two others at the bar.

Michael proceeded to tell me about some issues with getting passports for students, about having to navigate the hotel situation, and finding appropriate places to stay and eat. Professor Gentry —who Michael referred to as “ _the old man_ ” — was giving him a hard time about anything and everything, and more than once had uttered the words “ _Samantha would not be having this issue, so you shouldn’t either_ ”. This last part caused me to laugh out loud, much to Michael’s chagrin.

“Glad you find it so funny,” he groused, earning another giggle from me. I knew he was joking; his blue eyes were doing that dancing thing again. 

“I’m just feeling really secure in my job, is all,” I playfully bumped his shoulder with mine.

“Oh believe me, no one wants you back more than me!” Michael admitted quietly before ducking his head, and taking a drink. I started choking, and he started choking, and we both just kinda choked on our beers at the same time. Michael because he’d revealed what I kinda knew to be true in regards to his feelings about me, and me because he’d just admitted that he indeed had feelings for me. Fuck. 

“I just meant that… _well you know_ …I just…look—” Michael stuttered all over the place as I held up a hand to stop him.

“Please don’t, okay? Whatever it is, please don’t. I can’t do anything like that right now, and I don’t even know how to, and…I’m sorry, Michael. I am not a good person, and you are such a nice guy, you deserve someone so much better, okay?”

“Why don’t you let me decide who and what I want and deserve?” Michael reached over and gently placed his hand over mine. “I’ve tried to hide it as long as I could, and I really don’t see the point any longer.”

“Michael, please,” I begged him, needing him to stop. I just wasn’t ready for this. I jerked my hand back, maybe a little too coldly. I knew I was overreacting, but I needed him to stop. 

“Okay. Point taken.” Michael turned back in his stool, facing the bar as he lifted his beer. “Just know that I’m here if you need me.”

“Thanks, Michael.”

I grabbed my beer, drinking it as I pushed down these weird feelings that were swirling all around. 

* * *

 A few hours later — and way too many beers and too many shots of tequila — I was pretty much trashed. Like falling-down-couldn't-stop-laughing drunk. It was probably terrible, but I was having too much fun to realize that I was embarrassing myself.  Eventually Michael convinced me to let him drive me home, since he was barely even buzzed in comparison to me, and I happily agreed, and we left the bar, heading to my home. Michael would have to take me tomorrow to get my car. 20 minutes later, we arrived, and I fumbled with the keys, letting us both in to my apartment, a giggling, goofy mess of drunk people. 

Imagine my surprise to see Dave sitting on my couch, looking none too pleased at me and Michael. 

“Hello, Sammie.”

“Dave? What are you doing here?” I slurred out, giggling as I wobbled on my feet. Michael cleared his throat behind me. “Oh shit. This is Michael” —  _I gestured at the ginger-haired man beside me_ —“Michael, this is Dave”, I finished, gesturing at Dave.

“Michael, nice to meet you,” Dave stood up and pushed his hand forward.  Michael awkwardly took it, shaking it vigorously. 

“Pleasure’s all mine, I’m sure,” Michael growled.

I giggled again at the weirdness. Men were so weird, weren't they? 

"So, uhh, Sammie. I need to talk to you.” Dave pointedly glared at Michael. “Alone.”

“I can take a hint.” Michael turned to leave, and I followed him the door. “I’l call you later, yeah?” He leaned down and planted a sweet kiss on my forehead. I resisted the urge to push myself against him and smell his fantastic cologne a little bit better. 

“Bye Michael!” I couldn’t stop giggling. It was a consequence for being drunk — I was always happy when I was drunk.

Once michael left, I dropped down on the couch beside Dave.

“So how did you get inside?” 

“I have your key, you freakin' drunk.” Dave jerked his head at the door. “Who’s he?”

“He is just a friend. Why?”

“What are you doing, Sammie?” Dave turned to me. I could see the concern in his eyes and it bothered me. Sobered me up. Made me see reality, and I remembered that I was tired of everyone feeling sorry for me. I fucking hated it.

“Don’t, Dave. Don’t you fucking do it too!” My earlier humor was gone, the hot, angry tears biting at the back of my eye lids. I was so sick of crying, so sick of being sad.

“Fucking Eddie,” I mumbled as I swiped a hand across my face to hide my tears. _How I hated that man so much!_

“Funny you should mention him,” Dave muttered quietly. “We have to talk, Sammie. About him.”

“What now? Did he call you too? Cuss you out too?” I was hiccuping now, tears rolling down freely.

“No, but Stone did. Eddie is bad off. Like really bad off. Why can’t you just like, I don’t know, call him? Something?” Dave pulled one leg up and fiddled with the shoestring of his Converse. “You know when Eddie's being an ass, it affects everyone, right?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t really care!” I stood up, only to regret it as my knees buckled. I sank back down on the couch, holding my head as the room began spinning. I swallowed down the bile rising up in my throat, doing my best to not throw up.

“Yeah, well, after what happened, I think you need to talk to him. At least hear him out, okay? He’s such an idiot, but he’s your idiot.” Dave pushed his foot off and slouched down in the couch. “And you're his, whether you like it not.”

I closed my eyes, knowing it was true.

I was never going to be able to move forward with anything until that door with Eddie was closed.


End file.
